Vio Milanor

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  1. Cirt liked a post in a topic by Vio Milanor in Trying to get Active   
    I too have been inactive for a number of years, but have slowly been trying to get back into Hyrule.net. Nice to have you back and I'm hoping to see more of you around.
  2. Vio Milanor liked a post in a topic by _17chan in important update on my unimportant life (serious message)   

    hi all.
    i'm well aware that a lot of you probably have no idea who i am or have not spoken with me much. that's ok. my name is alex jamieson. i live in montreal, quebec. i'm 24 years old. i went to school for computer support & repair, and i loved it. i'm a musician on the side. i play guitar, bass, drums, i sing, and i'm a lyricist. i'm known to some people as 'sink', 'sinky', 'chan' and i've seen someone call me 'silky' before, but that may of been a typo. i'm writing this because it has a lot to do with what is going on in my life and what i feel, and it's very important that i'm blunt and open about it because being quiet about it has not helped at all, and i consider this to be my safe place / some of you to actually be good friends of mine regardless of how long i've been a member.

    i spent the past year living in an apartment with my best friend 'meagan'. i was running my own business in IT (started september 2014) and i enjoyed it severely. i made good money, and i was my own boss, made my own hours, and had my own responsibilities. it felt amazing. to make a long story short, business thinned out by april and that's when i also found out i was being chased by debt collectors for my credit card (which i just forgot about, to be honest. my fault. i know.) so, i decided to keep pushing and just make sure i paid my rent on time. i had some problems with money, and a lot of them were just due to the fact that i'm bad with money. i ended up saving my ass last minute a lot, though, which was kind of good. anyway. during this entire period (in fact, since july 2014), i was dating a girl named jordi. she was the apple of my eye and the love of my life. she bugged the hell out of me sometimes, but she was still perfect in every way possible. she helped me believe in myself in terms of my business and getting ahead in the world. she made me feel like i could do anything.
    i couldn't.

    as things got worse and worse and business got worse and worse, i just gained weight. i did manage to quit smoking cigarettes in july 2015, which was nice. but it didn't help, that's for sure. by the time august stretched around, i had to let go of my love. i was on the verge of dragging her down into my deep and dark world of debt and dismay, and i couldn't imagine doing that to who i knew in my heart was the brightest young english teacher that would enrich the lives of hundreds and hundreds of high school students, and also to who i thought of as the best author and story writer known to mankind as a whole. i told her it was over. she cried. so did i. we both knew it had to happen, and we went our separate ways. after that, things just fell apart faster and faster. rent couldn't be paid on time, roommate was leaving to go home, the apartment had issues from day one that were never repaired, it was all just one bleak mess. my roommate and i just left the place. i couldn't bring everything down myself, so i had to leave things behind. rent has not been paid. a court date has been scheduled. i'm due to owe the rent + an 80$ charge + they're charging me for not taking everything out of the apartment.

    i'm currently living on my friends couch with all of my stuff in boxes. i've tried looking for a normal job but to no avail. in fact, i even ended up getting one but it doesn't start until the 14th and, although this is picky, it's overnight. i'm a day person, but in this situation i can't be picky. no matter how much it upsets me. 

    this is where it gets really scary. i woke up this morning, and i rolled out of bed (or should i say 'couch') and found myself unable to do anything. i barely made it to the shower without collapsing. i forced myself through it, and then i started to get dressed and march out the door. i had a few appointments and important things to take care of and then i just decided to drop it all. i found a patch of grass outside and i started to think about how amazing it would feel to just lay there and sleep and never wake up and just never have to do anything again. i started thinking about how i wouldn't care if someone found me and took all of my stuff. i started to wonder if i would care if anyone came up to me and hurt me. that was when i realized that i wasn't feeling well and that i needed help. i started to think about all of the times someone told me to give up on what i was doing, and i figured maybe it was time to give up on life.
     
    i took my phone out and i dialed a number. i had nobody to speak to so i just looked online so i could just talk to anyone. i found the suicide action montreal hotline. i called them and spoke to them. she listened to me for over 30 minutes just going on and on about everything and how i was hurt and sad and depressed and just wanted it to be over. she reassured me that it's not the answer. that there's so much to live for even when things are at their absolute worst. i don't have to hurt forever and it started with me taking a step forward and talking to someone about it. i'm still sad. i still feel hopeless and lost. but i know that i'm not alone and that's all i wanted to know right now. i feel like i can still do anything i want to. before i called her, i felt like nobody cared and i just wanted to end everything. now i feel like this is the REAL beginning of my life and i decide what happens. i control my own destiny and that makes me so happy to know that it's still an option.


    i don't expect multiple replies. i don't expect 'likes' or whatever they are on here. i just expect you to read this and hear my story and remember the next time YOU feel lost and alone and sad and you feel like life isn't worth living; it is. and if ANY ONE OF YOU EVER want to talk to ANYONE because you feel like suicide is the only option, or drugs, or alcohol, or WHATEVER it may be.. i'm here for you, and i will drop everything i'm doing to talk to you because i know what it's like to feel alone; it's the worst. but you don't have to feel that way. none of you do. and i'm here for that.


    thank you.
  3. Tvvilight~Prince liked a post in a topic by Vio Milanor in Trying to get Active   

    Wow, My 2009 self... How cringe-worthy. I forgot I made a topic like that.
    But yeah that's a super neat feature, it allows for quoting to be a lot more pretty and organized too.

    For a while now, I couldn't see my topics -- I guess because they were all just too long ago. I'm glad I can see them all again and laugh at how much of a loser I was.
  4. Tvvilight~Prince liked a post in a topic by Vio Milanor in Trying to get Active   
    I too have been inactive for a number of years, but have slowly been trying to get back into Hyrule.net. Nice to have you back and I'm hoping to see more of you around.
  5. Teto liked a post in a topic by Vio Milanor in Trying to get Active   

    Wow, My 2009 self... How cringe-worthy. I forgot I made a topic like that.
    But yeah that's a super neat feature, it allows for quoting to be a lot more pretty and organized too.

    For a while now, I couldn't see my topics -- I guess because they were all just too long ago. I'm glad I can see them all again and laugh at how much of a loser I was.
  6. Michael liked a post in a topic by Vio Milanor in Trying to get Active   
    I too have been inactive for a number of years, but have slowly been trying to get back into Hyrule.net. Nice to have you back and I'm hoping to see more of you around.
  7. Teto liked a post in a topic by Vio Milanor in Trying to get Active   
    I too have been inactive for a number of years, but have slowly been trying to get back into Hyrule.net. Nice to have you back and I'm hoping to see more of you around.
  8. Vio Milanor liked a post in a topic by Luneth Uchiha in Clud's life in nutshell   

    Ever since I was a little kid I knew there was something different about me. I always seemed to perceive the world in a very different and unusual way compared to others. In preschool while other kids were playing tag, playing on the swings, or slide; I would climb underneath a bush and think about what would happen if there weren't enough boys to marry girls or vice versa.
    In elementary school it became very hard. Other kids were very aware that I was different and often teased me for it and shunned me. For the first few years I would just take it in and sulk. After a time I started to get angry. Why was I picked on? Why was I different? I got so angry and would lose my temper on a dime. My parents didn't know how to deal with me. My dad's first instinct was to buy me a Nintendo 64 to keep me preoccupied. Video games helped a great deal. In video games I could do whatever and escape to a world of imagination. No one tormented me. 
    When I was in fourth grade my parents decided to have me tested. I was diagnosed with high functioning autism. I hated that I was different, and felt very alone.
    In middle school, it got somewhat better. I wouldn't get angry as easily, but I still had a lot of frustration at the world. People continued to pick on me until I hit my growth spurt and hit 6'5. After that only the adamant ones continued to tease me. It was around this point in time I realized that over the course of years my social skills and capabilities were diminished. I am a very shy person by nature and have a very hard time speaking my mind. I slowly started to realize I didn't really fit in with any social groups and ended up taking up the internet as a way to pass the time. On the internet there were lots of people talking about things I knew. Video games, anime.
    High School. Sophomore year was a massive changing point for me. There was an incident halfway through the year that snapped me out of being highly autistic and realize the impact I have on people. I started to think about the people that I have hurt or been a burden on over the years and it destroyed me. To make that even harder; early in the year I knew someone that ended up comitting suicide. Deep down I wished that I would have been the one to do so instead of him. 
    I started to view myself as human garbage. I began to judge myself much harsher than any person should judge anything. If I did something I felt harmed another person in any way, even if it just inconvienenced them I would beat myself up physically. 
    I had a very hard time dealing with people. I am so shy and introverted that if I'm not used to someone, it's very hard to talk to them. As a result I only managed to make two real friends in highg school. A lot of the time though, they had their own lives and given my scope of not wanting to be a burden on others I just started to deal with my problems on my own. There was a few times I would try to strangle myself because I was so angry at how I had become.
    After graduation I was scared and frustrated. I didn't know what to do in life. I have some form of Attention Deficite Disorder and have a very hard time with school. No matter where I applied, I couldn't get a job. Eventually I found employment at a subway and was there until I would go on a mission. The January after I graduated I was in a horrible car accident that totaled my car. While I physically not recieved any damage at all, something triggered. I lost control of my senses, the world felt like it was all closing in on me, and I started to hyperventilate and go into a great panic. I would shake violently, and couldn't even hear anyone's voice. This was my first severe panic attack. 
    The panic attacks stopped after this one, so I just disregarded it as an extreme situation. Shortly after I was explained that because of my situation, I wasn't going to be allowed to have a normal LDS mission. I was going to be sent out to West Jordan, and would only serve 12 weeks overall.
    My mission was an interesting experience. Deep down I was very frustrated that I had to go. I always thought two years was such a long time and it scared me. I felt very controlled and felt like I had no freedom at all during my mission. It was very hard for me to talk to people because of my social anxiety. The things I would normally do to calm myself I was unable to do. The stress piled on and on. One day something snapped and while on splits, my body forced another panic attack like it had with the car accident. We wrote it off and just an episode, but they kept coming. It got to a point I would have 4 or 5 severe panic attacks a day that could last anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours. After debate I was sent home after six weeks.
    I fell into a great depression after my mission. I felt like a failure, and felt like I didn't really have much of a future at all beyond a mission to boot. I had no talents, and school was overwhelming to me. When I first got home I locked myself in my room for a few days and wouldn't leave.I even had people from both my homeward and my ysa ward tell me that I was a failure and wasn't worth anything. I managed to get myself onto the track of thought that my life had no meaning and that I was just a burden on my friends and family. Shortly after, I started to get so upset at myself I didn'tk now how to handle life. I broke a glass in a fit of rage and sliced up my arms. As the blood ran down my arms, it reminded me that I was alive and had a soul. The stress from my mission, as well as physical damage from the panic attacks gave me another gift. I became actually bipolar. In the down end of the spectrum it was often that I would find everything wrong with me and do great harm to myself. I still have several large scars on my arms, legs, and face from this.
    This would eventually lead to March of this year. At the time, I was at the pinacle of stress. Work was eating me alive in stress from in office politics, some of my best friends had started to let me know how much of a freak I am and how they didn't want anything to do with me, and to top it all off I could see how much stress my parents were under at the time iwth my dad's health and I couldn't help but feel like a great burden. One night the pain got to a point that I didn't know what to do. I just wanted the pain to go away. I started originally by getting some max strength nyquil and just chugged until I thought I would go numb. I drank the entire bottle, but still felt empty. As a result I grabbed some motrin, and took the equivelent of 4000 mg. Yes, this was an attempt at suicide by overdose. 
    I was hospitalized for a day as they stablized my condition, and then spent a week in a psychiatric ward. The psychiatric ward gave me a lot of time to think. It was either think, sleep, or be bored out of my skull. I would sleep about 17 hours a day, and then the rest of it I would just think about all the horrible things I had done. 
    I dropped off the face of the earth to a degree after that. I stopped going to church altogether to avoid people. I would only go to work, and then go home and play video games. I didn't want anything more to do with the world. I reached the conclusion that the more hope you have, the more despair you will feel when that hope is shattered.
    Recently I had to start going back into the world, forcing myself to even go to church because if I don't take action a friend will continue with a choice that can possibly ruin his life. Deep down I struggle though. I only really talk to two people outside of my family, and both of them will be going back to college soon. When I think about making friends, it honestly scares me and overwhelmes me. I try to make friends I can talk to, but often time I feel like I'm annoying them or that they don't care overall. 
  9. Vio Milanor liked a post in a topic by Teto in What's on your mind?   
    Some things I was thinking about, in regards to scenes in painting.
    Last year in my introduction art course, we did a 'contextual studies' module; aka art history. For it we would learn about a period of art history, and choose one painting from that period to write about that week. One week, I chose William Hogarth, because I was charmed by his Marriage a-la-mode series of paintings. Through him I learned about early examples of sequential art, of which this series was one. I liked how much character he could fit into a scene with minimal details. Just by the way the characters's designs and composition, you could extract a whole story out of a single painting. I'd never really encountered that, so it was fascinating. I'd never thought to consider the intentions of a painting so deeply before.
    And then, thinking about scenes, I can't help but think of Katamari Damacy's level designs. They're scenes in themselves, frozen in a time loop while character models move back and forth, or stay on the spot with some idle animation. It doesn't give much illusion of time passing. Everything in the level is as if it's happening in one prolonged moment, and you're allowed to move through it and explore all it's components. Like bears queueing up at a vending machine, a mother spinning his son around above her head, cats in scuba gear fishing underwater. Lots of nice details, just as subtle but in the open as the details of Hogarth's paintings.
    Scenes on television and in comics are developed in a similar way, with cutaways. I can imagine that, in an adaptation of the Hogarth painting I covered; the first of the Marriage a-la-mode series, the camera would cut mid-conversation to the rich man's gouty leg, or to the groom-to-be's distant indifferent glances away from the table, or the bride-to-be listening intently to a sly-looking man whispering in her ear. In that way, I guess you can consider the subtleties of a stationary scene to be like cutaway shots in television and film. They offer some detail which isn't entirely necessary to your understanding of the plot, but which offers depth which makes it all the more satisfying to pay close attention.
    Those cutaways are what I like in manga by Taiyo Matsumoto, and in shows by Masaaki Yuasa. I mention those two because those are the ones I was reading/watching when I started to notice cutaway shots. Cutaway shots and strong, consistent symbolism which doesn't force the viewer's involvement. Just things to add more depth to a scene. I'm going to continue finding more media that uses this. Graphics on news stories, setting build-up in novels, and of course in other comics, shows, and movies. I like that I feel like I'm finally getting an eye for detail, where before my viewing of things seemed shallower.
  10. Vio Milanor liked a post in a topic by pheonix561 in What's Your Favourite Fictional Hellscape?   
    For real though, Wayne Barlowe


  11. Vio Milanor liked a post in a topic by Necropolis in What's Your Favourite Fictional Hellscape?   

  12. Vio Milanor liked a post in a topic by LLmao ?✊? in What's Your Favourite Fictional Hellscape?   
    tumblr
  13. Vio Milanor liked a post in a topic by Cascade in What's Your Favourite Fictional Hellscape?   

    My Eternal Damnation that I will never be able to escape.
  14. Vio Milanor liked a post in a topic by Michael in Movies   
    Big Fish is good. You can watch it on Amazon for free if you have Amazon Prime: http://www.amazon.com/Big-Fish-Billy-Crudup/dp/B00190KZUU/, I actually never realized it was directed by Tim Burton until just now.
    Don't forget about Sleepy Hollow, I liked it, though another Tim Burton film with Johnny Depp in it.
  15. T1g liked a post in a topic by Vio Milanor in Talk   
    Holy snap, I registered on this website before Tappy did? I have seniority over Tappy!
  16. Vio Milanor liked a post in a topic by pheonix561 in Discuss Anime and Mang   

  17. Vio Milanor liked a post in a topic by Fierce Muffin in Discuss Anime and Mang   
    This is a pretty interesting look into how Hamada Yoshikazu creates his manga, Tsugumomo. Apparently, whenever there's a recurring background, he builds it up in a 3D modeler with all the little details and then imports it into a program and starts drawing over it. A pretty neat technique that comes out wonderful, but I feel like it consumes an immense amount of time. I'm sure it makes up for it in that after he's done modeling it, since the next set of chapters would go a lot faster and would always be on-model.
    I was thinking just now about how Miura (Berserk) and Murata (One Punch Man) create their manga as well and then I remembered Murata just streams himself drawing every so often on Ustream and also does push-ups. He might've stopped streaming though, I feel like I saw that at some point. Too bad about Miura though, I bet he'd get a bunch of views, especially if he took Idolm@ster breaks on-stream and obviously streamed himself playing it. The dissonance would be hilarious.
  18. Michael liked a post in a topic by Vio Milanor in Talk   
    Holy snap, I registered on this website before Tappy did? I have seniority over Tappy!
  19. Teto liked a post in a topic by Vio Milanor in Talk   
    Holy snap, I registered on this website before Tappy did? I have seniority over Tappy!
  20. Vio Milanor liked a post in a topic by Cassandra in Talk   
    To clear this up, it is called the Pine Rest Mental Hospital. I was there being treated for severe depression, and because i was considered a danger to myself. I was taken to a medical hospital after the attempt, and a group of doctors petitioned that i be taken in as an involuntady inpatient at the mental hospital.
    what that MEANS is that "mental hospital" is not demeaning. looney bin, crazy home, insane asylum, those are all demeaning, but a mental hospital is what it is.
  21. Vio Milanor liked a post in a topic by Michael in Talk   
    Does it matter?
    Since "Psychiatric" has to do with mental illness and it's treatment. Does that generally not mean that saying "Mental Hospital" is the same thing? You go to a hospital for for treatment of an ailment. You go to a mental hospital to get treatment to a mental ailment.
    If you think one is more demeaning than the other, when they both mean the same thing then that's your deal.
    I do not think people are crazy because they say they go to a Mental Hospital instead of a Psychiatric Hospital.
    For the record everyone is cray cray not just people who go to get treatment.
    That being said I recommend we move on from this topic but do so as you all please.
        
  22. Vio Milanor liked a post in a topic by pheonix561 in Talk   

    Well I hardly see the point in arguing mental hospital to be somehow worse than psychiatric hospital, because I just googled it, and it says "Psychiatric hospitals, also known as mental hospitals and psychiatric wards ("psych" wards)." If "Mental Hospital" is worse, then so is "psych ward," and we're both wrong. But it's also worth noting, I feel, that the source here is wikipedia, which is not really a valid source to draw and cite information from and to. As long as we're linking first page google search results as proof, here's one that says the terms are freely interchangeable.

    Most of the medical professionals I've met and neurodivergent friends I have generally use "mental hospital" and "psychiatric hospital" interchangeably in conversation or discussion. The terms are similar enough in practice that, to be frank, you're the first person I've ever met anywhere who has insisted on a distinction. If any stigma is associated with the term "Mental Hospital," that would come from American Horror Story trying to convince people of the same annoying, tired trope that these hospitals are the same now as they were when Bedlam was at it's peak.

    EDIT: I have not actually seen American Horror Story's take on Mental Hospitals so I wouldn't know.
  23. Vio Milanor liked a post in a topic by pheonix561 in Talk   
    Right. "Mental Hospital" is actually the correct term for that particular kind of institution. The kind that implies everyone inside is the hollywood version of crazy or insane would be "insane asylum." Of course, nearly all of them were closed down after the 60's anti psychiatric movement, which is why there's so many homeless mentally ill now. But yeah, psyche wards and mental hospitals are generally the same, with the difference being a psyche ward is an offshoot of a general hospital, and a mental hospital is a free standing facility.
  24. Vio Milanor liked a post in a topic by Cirt in Talk   
    casual reminder that we have the best goddamned admin on the Internet 
  25. Vio Milanor liked a post in a topic by Necropolis in Steven Universe   
    THIS IS MY HOLE, I CAN FEEL IT