Marquis

Mustering all your might, you valiantly whine at the guards, demanding to see the head magistrate immediately.

 
Your efforts pay off, as after several minutes of them kicking you in the stomach, they get fed up you and decide to just call the magistrate, and assemble a courtroom.

 
However, the guards were unable to locate the head magistrate. He must be on vacation or something. Maybe he's dead. Who knows. But, in lieu of the magistrate, they instead chose the handsomest man in town to judge you. This guy.

 
"Homer. You are accused to roughhousing and general tom-foolery, as well as attempting to intimidate the guards. What do you have to say in your defense?" the handsome man asks, with a hair flip.

 
Meanwhile...
 
Gathering all your magic power, you prepare a powerful swipe at the door. This should take it down!

 
Although it was your most powerful swiping-type spell, it had no effect on the door. There must be some strange protective sorcery at work here...
 

 
What is your next attempt to get inside?

(Sorry for the absence. I had a busy Saturday. Then I took my mother out for dinner).
 
 
You decide to join the thugs in their mugging of the old man. After all, you're a guard. Top of the food chain. The macho-est macho man. The big ench-

 
Wait, what's that book?

 
Little did Richard know, the old man was actually a powerful sorcerer! Before Dick can react, the man casts a spell on the three of you.

 
When the magic fades, you and the thugs find you have changed shape. "Cunts." the wizard says as he struts away.

 
You are faced with a dilemma. You find you can no longer speak. You should probably break the curse.
 
How do you proceed?

 
 
WARNING: BLOOD AND GORE
 
The first idea to pop into your head is to kill the chicken.
 
So you do.

 
However, you also notice two hoodlums possibly mugging a man. So, as discreetly as you can, you walk over and hide behind a bush, blood swishing in your boots the whole way.

 
"Give us all your money, old man!" you overhear.
 
How do you react?

You approach the guards, confident in your ability to defeat them despite your lack of training and/or weapons.

Somehow, in a way you will never be able to comprehend, they defeat you in less than four seconds. You are thrown in jail, and fall unconscious.

You are a guard. Your whole life was spent preparing to serve as a... guard... and performing guardly duties. What is your name?

In a fit of fiery passion, your loins are set aflame by the sight of a nearby rock. You can no longer hold your feelings back, and you rush to kiss it.
 

 
However, you quickly realize what a weirdo sicko you are, and suppress your Geophilia.
 
You quickly sprint to the village.
 

 

 
You arrive at the village. It is bustling with activity. There are many you can speak to. What do you do?
 

 
(Sorry for the wait. I tried using photoshop but decided my skills with paint were better).

You approach the guards, confident in your ability to defeat them despite your lack of training and/or weapons.

Somehow, in a way you will never be able to comprehend, they defeat you in less than four seconds. You are thrown in jail, and fall unconscious.

You are a guard. Your whole life was spent preparing to serve as a... guard... and performing guardly duties. What is your name?

In a fit of fiery passion, your loins are set aflame by the sight of a nearby rock. You can no longer hold your feelings back, and you rush to kiss it.
 

 
However, you quickly realize what a weirdo sicko you are, and suppress your Geophilia.
 
You quickly sprint to the village.
 

 

 
You arrive at the village. It is bustling with activity. There are many you can speak to. What do you do?
 

 
(Sorry for the wait. I tried using photoshop but decided my skills with paint were better).

In a fit of fiery passion, your loins are set aflame by the sight of a nearby rock. You can no longer hold your feelings back, and you rush to kiss it.
 

 
However, you quickly realize what a weirdo sicko you are, and suppress your Geophilia.
 
You quickly sprint to the village.
 

 

 
You arrive at the village. It is bustling with activity. There are many you can speak to. What do you do?
 

 
(Sorry for the wait. I tried using photoshop but decided my skills with paint were better).

I think we both know why you're here.
 
It's time for an MS Paint adventure, constructed from old video game sprites.
 
Let's start out at your house. You are sitting out front, wasting the day away by not doing anything productive. What a dick.
 
What is your name?