You know what I hate the most?

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Posted

Seminary should be an extraordinarily good place to find Christian fellowship, in theory. And as I look around, I see my peers growing closer to one another, edifying and teaching both inside and out of the classroom. Yet this environment is anything but moderate, and anything other than hyper-progressive theology (no objective truths, etc.) is treated as archaic and damaging to society and the Church. What place is there, then, for someone who does place stock in orthodoxy? In tradition? I may not be Catholic, but I don't think it's unreasonable to believe that there was some truth present in the great theologians and philosophers of the past two millenia. 

It feels as though I'm unwanted, which is sad. I have big ideas, and I spend a lot of time thinking, reading, and writing theologically and philosophically, yet I feel as though there is no place for me among my fellow students. My professors are wonderful, encouraging me and guiding me, and I do feel as though I'm learning and growing, but there is a certain loneliness in hearing the people around you disparage your ideas without knowing that you hold them. 

I believe in a God of absolute beauty, the giver of comfort, the one who will lift up the downtrodden and marginalized. I see a timeless Creator, one who rejoices at each birth and mourns at each death, who wants nothing more than for Creation to be sanctified. When I think of God, I think of peace like a river, warmth and light like a candle. And I see beauty in every creation, because I can't separate spirit from material. Within every person is the breath of God, and we cannot undervalue that. But the focus on beauty in my theology is ignored in favor of my belief that violence is not the only sinful act, my appreciation for the material world is set aside because I'm a bigot for considering some things heresy. 

It's difficult, when you focus that much on the beauty of things and of God, to be told that the net sum of your beliefs amounts to pure ugliness. And it's worse because the people around me don't even really know that I feel this way. They don't know that their aggression against even moderate theology is pushing me away, and they don't know that I'm too self-conscious to speak up about the beauty that can go along with such belief. 

So I guess what I hate the most is this feeling of loneliness, of being unwelcome in a place I was so hopeful about among people I respect. I just wish I could speak up without the fear of losing what respect I already have.

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Posted

I think finding people who share your beliefs/are open to your beliefs might be more valuable than respect in this case. Good post

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