Things you NEVER want to hear your doctor say!

[Otis McNutt 395]

Nothing creeps people out more than Hospitals, The task here is to come up with the funniest thing your doctor should never say.

Nurse: Doctor are you ready for surgery?

Doctor: Hold on a minute, "The hip bones connected to leg bone, the leg bones connected to the..." yep lets crack this sucker!

Doctor comes in your room

Doc: Hey pal, you're gonna be fine.

*he leaves*

Doc: Hey who wants to see a dead guy?

Doc: If you hear a strange ticking sound, but can't find it that's just a side effect of the meds and not my watch that's still inside you.

Edited 3 Jul 2009 by Savanti Romero (see edit history)

[Padraig! 103]

Son, do you know what malignant means?

[Aethix 129]

"Alright, let's take out the heart, blow on it, and put it back in."

"Oops"

[Twili Link 0]

This won't hurt a bit.....It's gonna hurt a lot.

[Otis McNutt 395]

Let's get you outta your skin!

You were here for a Tonsil ectomy? Well one kidney's just as good as two! Boy is my face red.

The word "Severely Deformed" is thrown around alot now a days.

*you get a collagen injection* You did say Donald Duck, right? Oh Angelina Jolie, sorry!

Edited 3 Jul 2009 by Savanti Romero (see edit history)

[Arcane 12]

"Whoops. Oh, well. Ten-second rule."

[Padraig! 103]

Oh poo!, oh never mind... everything's... fine...

[Jo-Bengt 0]

Edited 3 Jul 2009 by Jo-Bengt (see edit history)

[Chase 390]

Lol, Jo, you've so got Bioshock on the brain.

[Otis McNutt 395]

Oh that, don't worry most of this stuff is extra anyhow.

I work better when i'm drunk.

Malpractice, Schmslpratice!

She's going under! Damn those are some nice boobs!

Oh yeah just a quick heads up, if you poop a wedding ring give me a jingle!

I kinda misplaced your baby!

[Eight-bit link 3]

Lets see here... Now what does this do?

I hope you have life insurance.

Fortunately for me, you won't be able to hire a lawyer after this!

Alright, sew 'em back up. Say, has anyone seen my 'phone?

Is this supposed to happen?

[o Legiitz o 0]

"your gonna die tomarrow"

[Aethix 129]

What does this thingy do?

[Otis McNutt 395]

This is one of my favorite sketches on SNL, read it out loud if you can. It's very funny!

Dr. Beaman's Office

Dr. Beaman.....Will Ferrell

Nurse Jennifer.....Rachel Dratch

Tom.....Chris Parnell Kathy.....Molly Shannon

Dr. Poop.....Tim Meadows

[ open on Dr. Beaman sitting behind his desk, talking on the phone ]

Dr. Beaman: I'm sorry, you have the wrong number. No, there's no "Mark" here. My name? It's Mark. No.. I spell it with a C. Who put you up to this? What do you mean you're my "wife"? O-kay.. if you're my "wife", what's our cat's name? [ a beat ] Mr. Stitches. Damn, you're good! [ hangs up ]

[ Nurse Jennifer enters ]

Nurse Jennifer: Doctor? The Framinghams are here to see you.

Dr. Beaman: Oh, good. Send them right in.

Nurse Jennifer: By the way, can I get Tuesday off for a modeling job?

Dr. Beaman: Absolutely.

[ Jennifer exits, as the Framinghams enter ]

Dr. Beaman: Hi. Hello. Tom.

Kathy: Hello, Doctor!

Dr. Beaman: Very good to see you. Please, have a seat.

[ The Framinghams sit ]

Kathy: So, how is our baby?

Dr. Beaman: Well, I.. I don't want to keep you in suspense here, so we'll just get right into it. [ phone rings ] Hold on. [ answer phone ] Hello? Beverly! How the hell- what?! NO!! Old Chester? A palimino? They're beautiful! Ye-es! They're gorgeous! Beautiful, golden fur! Uh-huh! Yes! Why, I've got all the time in the world!

Tom: [ clears throat ]

Dr. Beaman: Ohhh. Actually, Beverly, I should go.. One of my patients is being a real knob-job.

Tom: Excuse me?

Dr. Beaman: Yeah! That was him. You know how it is, Beverly. [ chuckles ] Alright. What's that? No. No, he doesn't look like that - close, though! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! [ notices Tom is staring at him ] He's looking at me right now.. His big, sweaty, gat face.. sucking in air like a dying fish. You should see 'im. Between you and me, I'd like to stomp on his head 'til my foot's covered in brains.

Kathy: We can hear you!

Dr. Beaman: At least his wife's got a big enough ass for a nice roll in the hay. Alright, Beverly! Goodbye, old friend! [ hangs up ] Sorry, I was just, uh.. subscribing to some magazines.

Tom: No, you weren't!

Dr. Beaman: Now, where we? Oh, right. Your father.. may never again have what we call a human face.

Kathy: What?!

Tom: We're here about our baby!

Dr. Beaman: Who are you people?!

Tom: The Framinghams! We gave birth to a baby a week ago! And you were supposed to give us test results!

Dr. Beaman: Are you Brian and Cheryl Framingham?

Kathy: No.

Dr. Beaman: [ looking through files ] Blowfish and Funk Framingham?

Tom: No! For God's sakes!

Dr. Beaman: Jennifer, get the F in here!!

[ Nurse Jennifer enters ]

Nurse Jennifer: Yes, Doctor?

Dr. Beaman: Who are these people?!!

Nurse Jennifer: They're Tom and Kathy Framingham from Mount Oak. They have a baby - Shane.

Dr. Beaman: My God.. Tom and Kathy.. I-I feel like an idiot.. Of course! your son Shane! He's fantastic! [ Framinghams sigh ] Now.. quick phone call to Beverly, to get the details on this new palimino, then I'll give you the test results..

Tom: Now, we haven't seen our son in a week! We want to know-

Dr. Beaman: You shut that mouth, Tom!

Tom: I will not!

Dr. Beaman: You will if you're in my office!

Tom: I will not shut up!

Kathy: Tom! Please!

Dr. Beaman: And tell that Asian wife of yours to shut up, too!

Kathy: You are really being awful!

Dr. Beaman: Believe me, I know! But you're all gonna need to shut up!! Are we clear on that? Good. Now, Now, I'm going to tell you this quickly, and it's probably going to sting a little bit. Your son's a witch.

Tom: What?

Kathy: Oh my God, no!

Tom: This is ridiculous, there's, there's no way to determine..

Dr. Beaman: Yes, there is, yes there is. [ shouts ] Jennifer, please send in Dr. Poop! And, yes, laugh all you want at his last name, but he is the man who could very well save your son's life.

[ Dr. Poop enters Dr. Beaman's office ]

Dr. Poop: Tom, Kathy.. I'm Dr. Steven Poop. I'm sorry, there's absolutely nothing I can do for your son. But.. I can do The Robot. [ does the Robot dance ] That'll be $5,000. Good day to you both. [ exits office ]

Tom: What the hell was that?

Dr. Beaman: Look, I couldn't think of anything good... Uhhh... Truth is [ stifling a laugh ] ..we misplaced your baby.

Tom: [ stunned, stutters ] You.. vondruke!

Dr. Beaman: [ making a curious face ] Is that an actual curse word?

Tom: I think so.. Listen, when did you misplace our baby?

Dr. Beaman: It was right after we delivered him. I, uh.. I went out to grab a bite to eat and I forgot I had him with me. Then I met some friends for a beer.. uh.. we went to a BoDeans concert.. and, son of a vondruke, if I didn't leave him at the concert hall! Thank God they had him, the next day at Lost and Found. [ sigh of relief from Tom ] Then, I just flat out lost him!

Tom: [ pulling himself together ] Doc.. I've gotta tell ya - you have angered me with your irresponsibility! And yet, at the same time, you're a straight shooter. And I can't fault you for that. [ a beat ] We'll let it slide - but just this once!

Kathy: [ outraged ] Honey!

Tom: Now.. [ feeling horny ] ..let's go start makin' another one!

Kathy: [ slowly rises from her seat ] Euggh! You are totally grossing me out! [ runs away from Tom ] Oh, you're being creepy!

[ Tom chases Kathy out of the office ]

Dr. Beaman: [ sighing ] Thank God.. Whew... [ starts to write on his papers, then stops ] Yikes.. [ writes some more, stops again ] That was rough! [ props his feet on his desk ]

[ fade ]

[Ryu 7]

Im sorry sir, but... you're pregnant.