The Legend of Zelda:The Sagas legend

[Sageolink 0]

I'm trying to think of what to do in the upcoming chapter in part 1,2,3,4,5,and 6.<br><br><br>Can someone read it and spare a tip or hint?<br><br><br>&nbsp;&nbsp;Chapter 1:Legends are born<br>(also i will not tell my charcter)<br><br><br>&nbsp;&nbsp;One dark and dreadful day Ganondorf was destroying Hyrule then a brave Hero called Link stopped him from destroying the land.But he had to sacrifice his own life to protect Hyrule once the Sages sealed him away.But 18 years later Shadow Link and his army captured the Sages and forced them to release Ganondorf.And so they did......After a moment the world started shaking violently then GanonDorf came out of the Realm he was sealed in.2 more years later a heroic miracle happned.The sages decendants were born!Now it is up to them to stop Ganondorf from destroying the world.<br><br><br>&nbsp;&nbsp;After 3 years Linara came from hyrule castle."What a fine day to have some peace and,"BOOM"Wha huh?"said Linara.Then he turned around to see a gigantic monster with a disasturly bazar smell and had fierce horns whith a weird looking eye that was destroying his house."Hey get away from my house you little piece of squat,"Linara said angrily.Then the monster spit a Firebolt at him and knocked him out.(2 days later)He woke up at the Hyrulian hospital and a nurse was beside him."Where am I and what happened?"He said awkardly."Oh Your awake," said the nurse."You took a powerful hit but somehow survived,"she said."Well i think i'll be going now,"Linara said."Wait DON'T,"she said."AHHHH MY LEG WHERE IS IT?"Linara said painfully."It got.......blown off," she said.Well don't just stand there then give me a new leg already,"He said impatiently."Ok i'll try" she said."Hey,I got an idea,"the nurse said."maybe if we pray to the sages,the 'll be greatful enough to grant you a new leg.So,the nurse&nbsp; went to the temple of time to pray.She knew that wasnt really her job,but it just seemed right to her.And,the Sages agreed."We will grant him with a new leg,"The temple of light said in a booming voice,"but only if they boy promises to protect and serve Hyrule with all of&nbsp; his might.And,of course,he did.<br><br><br> <font face="Times New Roman">&nbsp;&nbsp;<font size="1">.Also now he has to wait in the hospital for a while.<br> (i hope this is right.And its been 1 week)<br><br><font size="2">"Ok sir your ready to move again,"she said."Thank you then,"Linara said.Then he got up, waved ,and left."Man i need some sword training," he said quietly.So he decided to go and train at Hyrule castle.<br><br><br>"Now i should have enough ruppes to buy me a Shield and sword,"He muttered.Then a guard came up to him".Who are you?Are you another messenger?"He said loudly."No i'm here to train,"Linara said."HA HA HA what a joke," he said."Ha ha ha it isn't a joke," Linara said."Ok then.....I guess i'll let you train," the guard said. 'well thanks then,"Linara said.Then he went off to train.<br><br></font></font></font>

[Pumpkin 0]

Just as a side note, you may want to be more descriptive inn your scenes. What does the monster look like? The dialog needs to have a more human feel to it, right now it's pretty choppy. Your time transitions should also have a natural flow to them. Instead of just saying 'It's been one week now' you should explain the hardships of Linara now that his leg is gone, the pain he's in, the rehab with his new leg (which would most likely be a wooden peg in his case, since real legs are impossible to come by for an amputee like him after the nerves in his leg have basically been destroyed and he'd been laying around for days while his nerves and all that to die off in his bum leg)

After a week he'd still need help getting up and getting support from a cane or crutch to get used to it. It would be painful to rest the stub on the wooden leg, since his stitches would still be the main part of why his leg hasn't busted open and needed restitching. Maybe after a couple weeks they'd remove stitches, but I'm sure he'd still not be used to the new leg at all and the pain would still be there. That sort of thing could take months to get used to, and he'd probably still need a cane or crutch to make things easier on himself. I'm no amputee or anything, but you have to think logically behind these things if you plan to remove your character's leg.

Also, you told us nothing about your character Linara. What does he look like? Where does he work? On what level caste does he stand among his peers? Does he have a family of his own? How old is he exactly? Later on, maybe think about his level of education and other background things. Can he read competently? Can he write? How does he feel about the humans living among Hylians? What level of swordplay does he have? Would you be able to write something comparable to this skill you say he has? Are you going to research things like swordplay if he is supposed to be a great fighter? If he is young, will you take into account that his body is not fully developed and not strong enough to fight against older, faster and stronger individuals, especially with a now missing leg against him?

Just think these things over, come up with your answers, and rewrite the first section of your story where you have holes. By the way, Caste means social standing. Such as a Noble being of higher caste than a merchant even though the merchant may bring in more money over time.

Sorry, I over analyze things. I'm sure this will be a fun story to read once you flesh it out.

[Sageolink 0]

((Sorry it put all that &nps and <Bs> stuff and i hope you don't say like oh what a terrible story to start it off or man you need to improve a bunch please don't say anything about but just read the real story.))

[Stormsworder 0]

I tried to read it. It killed brain cells.

Pretty much everything that Pumpkin said is what I would say myself, along with the fact you need to be realistic. A person somehow gets their leg blown off, then gets another one? You apparently don't really understand the concept of realism. I doubt even in the Zelda universe they have a magic powerful enough to regrow lost limbs.

[Sageolink 0]

WHATEVER MOVING ON!not in a mean way.

Chapter 2:A young Hyrulian Warrior

"Man I can't wait to get my own sword and shield,"Linara said."SOLDIERS ARE YOU READY?"Said the guard."YES SIR,"Everyone said."All right then lets begin,"the guard said."Yes finely we begin training,"Linara muttered."What was that Linara?"asked the guard."Uh...uh.....nothing?"said Linara."Are you giving me crap?"Said the guard."No sir,"Linara said,"or maybe i am.Who knows I'm just a soldier,"Said Linara."I heard that Linara so extra Training for you,"The guard said."Oh now your just being mean,"Linara said."Ok then you will get The Hyrulian super Experts course,"The guard said."ok then fine you win," Linara said disapointingly.So then the guard showed him to the Hyrulians super experts course to begin his super training.So he paid for his Shield and began.

"Wow i can't belive its this hard,"Linara said."Well i just can't wait to get my sword next,"He said a little proud.So he did all the shield training courses then brought his sword and began his Sword training."Holy crud i have to kill 50 dummies in 2 minutes!?"said Linara."Ha ha ha being very funny in warrior training isn't so funny anymore is it Mr.Linara....HA,"The guard said."Well then i'lll begin then,"Linara said."Lets begin with a good SPIN ATTACK!"Linara said Loudly.And then he already killed 10 dummies."Wow i was tought that good?"Linara said akwardly."I guess i taught you well Linara,"the guard said."Yes and i thank you for it but I need to FINISH these dummies off,"Linara said."Well good luck Linara,"The guard said.

(1 minute later.)

"I really finished it that fast,"Linara said."I never seen someone so young,so energitic, and so Fasinating I'm so proud that i trained you," the guard said."Thats....thats a big Honur sir,"Linara said."You were a great Warrior and i hope you protect Hyrule greatly," said the guard."I will sir,"said Linara."And good luck,"the guard said."Also heres a present,"the guard said.Then he pulls out a gold handled sword with a small red gem at the bottom with a very sharp blade and a Shield made out of Goron rocks that have been smoothed out."May the godesses be with you Linara,"said the guard."Thank you very much and i can't exeplain how happy i am sir,"said Linara."Its ok Linara just please protect Hyrule Linara please,"said the guard."Ok i will sir with all my life,"said Linara than ran off to protect Hyrule castle."Good luck Linara you will be honored always,"The guard said cheerfully.

"Now its my turn to protect Hyrule or any other person in need,"Linara said.So he walked around hyrule castle until he heard a scream come from inside the castle."HELP ME,"the voice said."Oh man I should go and help then,"said Linara.So he ran off to see who was yelling for help and what was happining.It took him a while but when he got there he saw what was happining."Oh no....Hyrule castle is crawling with monsters,"he said.So he hurried off to help the person who was yelling help.

[Sageolink 0]

lol,guys i hope you liked the new chapter one.Im still young and learning,stuff like that i apologize.

[Pumpkin 0]

Being 'young' doesn't mean you should completely blow off advice that is meant to be helpful. Part of being a writer is learning to take criticism and turning it into a positive toward your skill level. If you don't want to learn how to improve on something, how are you going to get better?

Also, HTML coding doesn't work on this board. You'll need to invest some time into learning BB code so you can center your posts and everything.

[Stormsworder 0]

You can't use young as an excuse, cuz I know someone who is thirteen and writes amazingly well. -_-

[Zelda Drottningu 0]

I agree with both Pumpkin and Stormsworder. Your writing doesn't have any description or detail, and it confuses me the way you wrote your characters talking to each other. Also, make sure you use proper grammer.

Stormsworder does have a point, coz' I'm 13 (I'm not the person Stormsworder's talking about...I think) and the last time I wrote a story for English, I got an A+ (90%) for it. I think it was the highest mark in my class, but I'm not sure.

For example, you wrote:

"Now its my turn to protect Hyrule or any other person in need,"Linara said.So he walked around hyrule castle until he heard a scream come from inside the castle."HELP ME,"the voice said.

Where as you could have written:

"Now it's my turn to protect Hyrule or any other person in need." Linara said proudly, his voice filling with confidence. Leaving the guard, he turned away and began to walk around Hyrule Castle, oblivious to his suroundings.

A scream pierced the air, stopping Linara dead in his tracks and returing and his mind back to reality. "HELP ME" The voice cried loudly, full of desperation nd fear.

Which one of the above would you rather use?

[Sageolink 0]

SKIP THIS!!!!! ALL PEOPLE HAVE DONE TO ME HAD SAID YOU NEED TO DO BETTER OR YOU SERIOUSLY NEED TO IMPROVE WHICH MAKES ME MAD! I'M ONLY 10 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!!I DON'T EVEN THINK ITS WORTH MAKING A STORY ANYMORE but it still is!SAY WHAT YOU WANT I DON'T CARE I'M JUST SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE TURNING MY STORY INTO A FREAKEN CHAT PAGE and besides i don't see the name CHAT PAGE on it.

Well i'm still just going to do the chapters so moving on.

Chapter 3:The Hyrulian chambers

"Oh man i can't believe Hyrule Castle is overrun with monsters!"Linara said loudly."Well i still need to find the person who needs help,"Linara said.So he searched around Hyrule castle also killing monsters along the way.At nightfall he still couldn't find the voice until he tripped on a cellar door."WHOA!"Linara shouted."Who put that there,"Linara thought.Then he heard a roaring noise come from the cellar and a louder cry for help."I'm coming whoever you are,"Linara shouted.So he opened the cellar door and went to find the scared person.

After a hour has passed Linara found a weird weapon."Whats this,"Linara said.Then he heard a voice whisper The warriors Slingshot (Can hold up to 40 shots and you can charge up the power to shoot 3 at a time).After hearing the voice he said "Man i need to read the labels on the item more often.But then again that would be weird for me to do,"Linara said.Then all the sudden out of nowhere a monster appeared.

Arachind skeloton beast

SKELLAHMA

"Oh no its Skellamha I heard legends about it,"Linara said."It can only be defeated when all of its body parts are stunned,"Linara said.But it was already charging at him when he pulled out his Slingshot."Oh no...this might be bad ... WHA my but!"Linara shouted painfully."Ok thats it,Linara said so then he pulled out his Slingshot shot him in the eye and slashed randomly at his body parts."TAKE THAT AND THAT YOU FREAK,"Linara cried out.After 35 slashes Skellamha was in the dust and dead."Whoa i killed it?"Linara said awkardly.Then he heard a voice "You saved me Hyrulian dude,"The voice said."Thank you and my name is Siforan and I'm a Twili whats your name?"Siforan asked."Mine is Linara I'm a Hyrulian nice to meet you Siforan,"Linara said."Nice name and can you get me out of here please?"Siforan said."Sure Siforan I will,"Linara said.So he picked up Siforan and got out of The Hyrule chambers as fast as he could.

After saving Siforan's life he went to Hyrule castle to recieve his Honorary medal for saving hyrule from being infested by skellotons and monsters.But then out of nowhere a Bright Light crystal appeared and fell into Linaras hands in front of Everyone at the ceromony."Wow that was odd,"Linara said ,But then He saw Death Mountian shake violently then the crystal spoke somehow."Save----The---Next----Crystal-------before---Death Mountain----Explodes,"The voice said.After speaking its light died out and turned back into the Light brown crystal it was."Well I guess next is Death Mountain,"Said Linara.So he set off to travel up Death Mountain.

Also is this your story?I mean i could of swore i was doing my best to think ideas up and make a fun RpG but did I miss a part that said that this was not my story and someone elses i mean come on People keep telling me that i need to do this and that and use this instead of that well I'M TIRED OF IT!and i'm sorry I had to be mean but I just cracked.

I only have one supporter and i ReRead my story i make every day made up exiting parts and a great chapter name for all of my chapters.And I'm sorry if you think I'm neglecting your advice but I'm not but its just that people think I'm supposed to be the greatest story maker in the world well guess what I tried but I'M NOT!Please do not take that in a harsh way.

Also I made a 100 A+ in my writing class language arts class and Reading class and do not reply to this little paragraph.

You know what just don't reply to those comments or pay atention to them just please make a good comment but don't tell me to edit it because it would mess it up and put this in it &nps <Br> and Font=2 I'm sorry i put that stuff just don't report me i have a short temper and i get made at people who tell me what to do and i should put it there or change my whole paraghraph or delete it and make a new one it just makes me mad.

[Stormsworder 0]

"If you ignore criticism, you will end in poverty and disgrace; if you accept criticism, you will be honored."

You're pretty much rejecting everything we say and the advice that Pumpkin is giving you just to say that you're "too young" and can't write well. Heck, I may have not been that good when I started out, but I sought the advice and criticisms of others to improve, along with reading more books to learn how to write better.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

Chill down, man.

They're trying to help you. You're not the one who decides if your story is good or not. That's up to your audience.

Point is, if you even want people to read your story, you need to make it in a clean way that is easy to read. Being young is not an excuse for making a sloppy story.

No one here has been off topic at all. They've all been telling you how you can improve. This does not make it a chat page. It makes them helpful, and on topic. There have been threads that have gone much much worse than this. And this isn't even bad by the definition; it's not spam. You know how I know? I'm a moderator.

No one is going to pat your head and tell you your story is the greatest and doesn't need improvement. If it needs improvement, someone will point it out. What else will they talk about? What do you want them to say?

For one, your grammar needs help. I suggest you type this in Microsoft Word, or get Firefox and type it in there, so when you're typing your story, you can correct any mistakes you have. There's supposed to be spaces after periods, commas, end quotes, before starting quotes, etc. It makes the sentences much cleaner. You should also capitalize "I".

Let's look at your first paragraph.

One dark and dreadful day Ganondorf was destroying Hyrule then a brave Hero called Link stopped him from destroying the land.But he had to sacrifice his own life to protect Hyrule once the Sages sealed him away.But 18 years later Shadow Link and his army captured the Sages and forced them to release Ganondorf.

In between "One dark and dreadful day", and "Ganondorf was destroying Hyrule", there should be a comma. People talk with pauses, so try to make it seem like you're telling the story. Also, this sentence here:

But he had to sacrifice his own life to protect Hyrule once the Sages sealed him away.

It comes right after "then a brave Hero called Link stopped him from destroying the land."

You keep using "he" and "him". I wasn't quite sure who was sealed, here. The last person mentioned was Link, so Link was sealed after sacrificing his life? I was really confused.

"But 18 years later Shadow Link and his army captured the Sages and forced them to release Ganondorf."

You shouldn't start so many sentences with "but". To join two sentences together, just put ", but".

As everyone before me has said, you also have a problem with describing things. You should put adjectives into your writing so the reader has a more clear mental image of what you're trying to portray.

Would you rather read about "the bunny", or "the adorable rabbit a stone's throw away, soft gray fur trembling in fear that I might somehow capture it, long ears raised as it poised for escape"

"One dark and dreadful day Ganondorf was destroying Hyrule then a brave Hero called Link stopped him from destroying the land."

This one sentence could be so much more vivid.

"On a sinister day many moons younger than this one, a dark fiend wreaked havoc and destruction, felling anything under his hands. Hyrule was in ruins, having been laid siege to by the murderous villain's craving for destruction. His name was Ganondorf, a name that people of this age dreaded more than loss of coin and home. However, as if from nowhere, a hero appeared, clutching a blade that destroyed the foul man causing Hyrule's darkest hour. We knew him as Link, a quiet lad who never spoke."

This puts much more imagination into your writing, and this adds length to it, too.

Also, it's spelled "Hyrulean".

Hyrulean describes an inhabitant of Hyrule. This could be a human or bear living in Hyrule. Hylian describes the long eared humanoids like Link.

Sahaqiel

[Pumpkin 0]

Edited because Sahaqiel said it better.

[Stormsworder 0]

Also, don't lie about your age... Your profile says 13, unless you made that up in order to register because you didn't have permission.

And HTML coding would never come up on this site, so you are obviously copying it from somewhere else...

Also, as I said before, use realism and description, not jumping everyone and doing everything to make your character appear to be the most powerful fighter in all of Hyrule. -_-

[Sahaqiel 1232]

There is also an option in the full text editor that says, "Allow HTML".

Just throwing that out there.

Sahaqiel