My Fanfiction Story Unwanted Pain

[JayRAWR1 0]

Unwanted Pain

Prolouge.

Gone are the day's of peace, war has came once again...

this is is a tale of a boy who grows up to be a hero.

Want's to explore the mountains, streets, village's,

may his wish come true? One thing was strange he didn't have a name and he couldn't speak.

Chapter 1: First Day Of Sword Training.

"Oi! you boy!, get up it's yer first day sword training at the 'Temple of Swords"

He didn't want to get up, it was 5:00 in the morning. The boy woke up, alll tires and gloomy looking.

''CMON!'' Shouted The Temple Of Swords Guard. When the boy got dressed, he couldn't move his feet, felt absolutely numb.

He struggled walking to the temple, ''C'mon mate get a move on'' the guard frowned, the boy reached The Enormous Temple, it was beautiful, red and blue flower's planted everywhere.

Professional Swordmen greeted the boy when he walked into the temple nervously, distracted by all

the Master Swords and Steel Swords And Iron Sword and the bad swords known as 'Rusty Swords'

What do you think of it so far?

[FreckleFart 0]

Unwanted Pain (The name itself isn't very creative. Unwanted Pain? As opposed to WANTED pain?)

Prolouge. (*Prologue. An understandable typo, but grammar is important if you want people to take your works seriously.)

Gone are the day's of peace, war has came once again... (What days of peace? Who's starting the war? Where is this place?)

this is is a tale of a boy who grows up to be a hero. (Very generic plotline there. Wars between nations, a boy rises to save his land... I suppose you've got a princess thrown in somewhere, too?)

Want's to explore the mountains, streets, village's, (Once again, where is this land?)

may his wish come true? One thing was strange he didn't have a name and he couldn't speak. (That's two things.)

Chapter 1: First Day Of Sword Training.

"Oi! you boy!, get up it's yer first day sword training at the 'Temple of Swords" (Okay, to somebody reading this from the beginning, they're not going to have a clue what's going on. Tell us who's speaking almost immediately.)

He didn't want to get up, it was 5:00 in the morning. The boy woke up, alll tires and gloomy looking. (So where does this kid live? Why does he get sword training? What the HELL'S going on here?)

''CMON!'' Shouted The Temple Of Swords Guard. When the boy got dressed, he couldn't move his feet, felt absolutely numb. (Possibly the first coherant sentence in this fanfic, although "Temple of Swords" still isn't very creative.)

He struggled walking to the temple, ''C'mon mate get a move on'' the guard frowned, the boy reached The Enormous Temple, it was beautiful, red and blue flower's planted everywhere. (So he lives like, right outside the Temple? You didn't explain to us how long it took to reach it, or any of their surroundings, etc.)

Professional Swordmen greeted the boy when he walked into the temple nervously, distracted by all

the Master Swords and Steel Swords And Iron Sword and the bad swords known as 'Rusty Swords' (Looks like you've taken your basic weapon ideas from Runescape or something. Also, first of all, why have they got any bad swords in a temple which seems to worship them? Second, the first time I read that, I was thinking of "Master Swords" as the ones in Zelda. This needs fixing.)

What do you think of it so far? (Lots needs to change. You could make this one chapter about ten times longer if you put more work into it. Other than that, I'd like to see how this story turns out.)