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The Reality of Zelda

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We are the great heroes of the past, we who rid the world of evil and followed the path of righteousness to victory against our enemies.

We live on in tales as fables and legends. There are many tellings of our adventures, but none two are the same.

The truth is something no story recalls

The truth is, legends are bullshit

We save the world, on a path of destruction, sex, drugs and extreme violence.

We're the heroes and we're here to kick ass.




[[don't be really incredibly super powered ((unless they're actually really cool powers and I can't say no))]]

[[you are an asshole that's super enough]]

<<Be less that 20 years old because kids make funnier assholes>>

==You are unequipped from the start, no weapons yet==







Name: Alex Asshole

Gender: Male

Age: 19

Appearance: Short, dirty blonde hair, generally poor looking clothes

Location: Castletown, Ghetto District

History: Grew up in the slums, beaten down by the higher powers. But he has a heart of gold, that he stole from a rich man. Also he has a destiny that he knows about and he will save the world even though it's totally out of character. His ancestor, sir Beggar Asshole discovered the asshole while being incredibly gay. He was very rich. But because he named such a silly body part after himself he became poor because of the shame. Alex will go on to build a new definition for the word asshole. As of the present, he is just named after asses.

((Watch out guys, you're in Teto country. I have moderator powers in this very specific little forum and I can take you down if you start shit))

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Hello I'm pheo and I spend every night filling my mouth with semen and rocking out to madonna

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I love this roleplay already.

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Here's how the roleplay works

I edit your posts into stories

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pheo was walking along one day and he was in da hood and then out of nowhere comes the big enemy

He has a huge sword that shot swords and it was swumg down at pheo

pheo was weak but he was fast and really skinny and annoying god damn so he ducked under that motherpuppyer like some kind of insane ducking machine and don'tcha know it missed! Honey, he didn't know what he had coming it was like nothing you'd ever seen because not even I, your humble narrator, knew that pheo was in fact really kick ass fighting

He swung his hair back and forth and it was like some kind of whirlwind of hair that slapped the shit out of the big enemy. The big enemy fell on the ground and the ground caught him hard because it was rock cobble stones the ground was made of

"don't hurt me!" said the big enemy, cowering in his fear

"I cannot forgive the ill tempered servants of lord satan or you. Now leave me alone while I fight the world" pheo was commanding him to stay sitting there and die by telepathy all the time he said this

pheo turned and went into the street where he was one of the crowd and nobody could see him and recognise him at the same time

He went to the hood and his bros were there chillin and smoking non-toxic puff sticks "pheo my man what is up in da place aight"

"the big enemy was bruisin up my honeys and I showed his sorry ass what for pheo style" pheo said

"maximum carnage I feel you bro" said his mates

"what do we do now" said carleen the sister of the house

"we attack at night" said pheo

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Great iinput!

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"The world needs a hero just about now" said pheo

carleen, the only other named character thus far said "You cannot be a hero not now I mean there are a lot of big enemies you can't take it because you are a skinny sack of nothing"

"But I have more heart than the enemy, that is the one rule of storytelling, the good side is always a lot more determined than the other side" said pheo

"That's puppying dumb" answered carleen

They walked to the city and the city was empty because it was dark. And pheo shouted "I am saving the world" and then the enemies came out and said "You cannot save the world you are nothing we are the law"

andf the fight was on!!!

carleen took out her dual katanas and pheo got his super gun. carleens catanas could cut through anything except her friends or people she doesn't want it to cut through but she can cut it through nice people but it cleans them she uses it to clean her ugly family. pheos super gun was incredibly powerful and it had homing bullets that flew into the enemies head every time and if shot between to enemies it splits up and shoots them both half each in their heads

that's what carleen and pheo did and soon they had won the battle with the big enemies

"let's go carlees theres no time to waste!!" said pheo as he was aware there was i fact no time available to waste they had to act now

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Name: Link

Gender: Male

Age: 0

Appearance: baby

Location: In his mother

History: It was a still-birth and Link died before he was actually born.

Let's do this.

Now that that is totally dumb here is a new sheet

Name: Cherry

Gender: Female

Age: 21

Appearance: Whorish

Location: In the brothel

History: She was always destined to be a prostitute and that's what she is because she has an incredibly shallow personality



post heavily edited to stop Link being a character

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My character is now called Teto

Teto walked out into the awful scene "pheo where are you going"

"teto you are the third named character we are going out to stop the big enemies from taking over Hyrulew"

"but pheo you can't! I mean they already have so to stop them that is dumb!" said teto who was totally not agreeing with this course of action

"we have to fight for our right to have Hyrule" said pheo and carleen perfectly in sync because they were so determined they had so much heart it was unbelievable

"I can believe this you have sp much heart" said teto who had a thing of being the only one to believe the unbeliebable becase he is so open mineded

"lets go then teto!" said carleen who also knew teto because they were all bros even though carleen is a girl

teto goed with them because he believed that it was right

teto has no weapons he has insane karate

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My edit wasn't as cool as Pheo's edit. :(


Cherry wiped her mouth and left the brothel because she heard shit was going down in the town with the pole-ice police

"whoaaa cherry where doyou think you're going" said brothel king

"I must leave I must help I cannot stop the urge to fight for my country" said cherry as the Hyrule flag


waved behind her and she let a tear shed down her cheek from the pride

It was time for her to go be a whore somewhere else

Cherry took out her weapons which were not sex related because that would be too silly

She had a baton and a whip which I guess are kinky but they are actual weapons too unlike dildos

So she ran up and there was a big enemy and he said "not so fast puny person you cannot fight us we are POWEERFUL"

"You don't think so" said CHerry as she jumped up and she whipped him in the eye and then his his face with the baton 9001 times and then he was dead

"goodnight sweet prince" said cherry because she respected even her enemies it was honorable

she was in the town square and teto carleen and pheo were all there they were fighting "bros!" said cherry "I am fighting too"

carleen said


because they were kind of enemies since childbirth when they popped out at the same time and then the doctor didn't know whose baby was whose and then the mother of one of them died and then they had to fight at 2 seconds old for the right of a mother. mothers can only take one baby in this situation it's an unwritten rule of the streetzz but the mother took carleen

and then cherry said "let us put our differences aside this once, for we are both fighting on the same side, carleen and we cannot win if there are enemies amongst us noble people" said cherry who was a protitute and really shouldn't be lecturing anyone on nobility

"I can forgive you" said carleen and she pretended she did but really she didn't which was crazy but it will be looked into later

"women and teto we are going to fight!" said pheo holding his gun at the castle and then he shot a window and they ran into the window and the battle was on

carleen wentfor the first enemy and he hit her but she hit back even harder and knocked out his lights and then she cut him twice into three pieces

and then pheo shiot an enemy who took the bullet out and threw it back at pheo who caught the bullet in his gun and then shot it back and it went all the way through the enemies eye and out the back of his head and since the room is rubber the bullet bounced off the wall and went back through the enemy's head and out through his other eye

and then teto use karate skills to kick the enemy with no eyes into the air and then carleen chopped off his testicles and then cherry whipped them and said "Anybody want WHIPPED CREAM"

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teto put away his hands and feet because he was done fighting

he looked into the air and he could see the danger "we cannot stay here for long" he said

"then where do we go" said carleen

"we go to the roof for epic final battles" said pheo who knew how shit goes down"

Cherry lead the way because she knew rooves like the back of her hands because she was interested in these things she has roof seeking abilities

they were in the hall when there was an alarm that said "danger danger intruders wee oo wee oo" and then they knew they should hurry because more enemies would come and they would be very difficult and a much higher level

They were at the roof and they had got away from the enemies safe and sound

"you!!" shouted man on the roof also it was raining and there was lighting "how dare you!!"

"we dare to be the best pair of pairs" said pheo, who was in a group of five and he was bad at math and pairs because he is from the ghetto

"you can't stop us we will fight you!!" said carleen

"You cannot stop the hurt!" said teto

"We will destroy you we are the ghetto crew!" said cherry

and it was then that I noticed that there are FOUR people in fact and not FIVE so I should never judge pheo's math skills every again

"raaaah" they all said as they charged

but then they saw the enemy and he said "fools!" and he whipped off his cloak and blew them all away with magic and they were over the horizon

whonWoffThino likes this

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