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I am the duck. It's me. My enemies pose no threat to my empire, being of comparatively small settlements, crushed by the might of my armies, but the information, stored deep within the ears of one man, spells out my untimely demise.

I have commissioned a team of 9 go-getting dwarfs to do the deed of stealing this information for me. They were once deadly secrets of an ancient government agency known as the FBI. With this information, I might finally expand my empire beyond the boundaries of the dimensions I am as of the present time capable of controlling. If this man, or for that matter anybody who knows of the secrets, buried deep within his head, were to come into their possession, they could overcome my forces effortlessly.

And so I leave the duty in their hands. All 18 of their hands.

They are dwarfs and they are my servants, it is on their shoulders they carry me, it is their duty to save me, and, though they don't know it, the fate of reality itself. I really hope these dwarfs can actually reach the guy's ears. Also I'm not literally on their shoulders, because I would have to have a pretty fat ass to fit on all their shoulders. All 18 of their shoulders. And the only reason I haven't been eaten yet is because I'm skinny as puppy.

And here comes the man. He's me. He is of humble background, with a countenance that suggests modesty. The truth is I'm not really sure what countenance means and he isn't modest at all. In fact, he's a total asshole and should be hated by everybody. He is a rogue, an outcast, an enemy to the populated lands. He lives without law or order. A wayward narcissist, he is an impenetrable force of arrogance unlike any the world has ever seen before.

He raids villages, kills the innocent and plunders the bodies of any and all he slays. He's greedy, shameless and downright mean.

And he is the one with the secret-filled ears. The one sought by the dwarfs, sent to hunt him down by the order of the most powerful man in the world. He knows of the treasure he holds, but dare not wield it, for the tomes speak of it's danger, and not even he, an unruly man, fears the power he holds. But he knows, by tell of prophecy, that he will unleash it. And he hopes that day is not soon. He prays to his gods that the day comes when he is old, and has had the chance to live a long full life full of cold-blooded murder and destruction. The truth is, even if his stupid gods existed, they wouldn't help him and anyway that day was soon. It was today, the day when he chose to reflect on absolutely everything in this manner.

The dwarfs approached. All 9 of the dwarfs. They hadn't been searching very long for the man, because he was really easy to find, because he had secret police following him everywhere, because in this world it's a strange mixture of lawless and lawful. I guess you could call the secret police independent but they're not really because they were hired by the government, which controls everything in the land. But also it's lawless. Okay no shut up, you the reader couldn't understand it because you were brought up in a world much different from the one I am struggling to describe and you couldn't possibly understand unless you had lived in this world for long enough. And to be honest I really haven't thought this thing out well enough to give you a very vivid picture of the place so that you might actually be able to envision yourself growing up or something, even though I don't see that helping much because you couldn't possibly sympathise with the people in this world anyway okay?

What? Oh dwarfs. Yeah they found the guy. All 9 of them found the guy.

"We have found him" said Tagarrr, pointer outer of the incredibly obvious

"Wow, thanks Tagarrr, great input we totally didn't already know we found him!" said Pffft, the unbearably sarcastic

"Oh shush Pffft, Tagarrr was just stating it for the benefit of everybody!" said Keeeeeeeeys, the defender of absolutely everybody

"Keeeeeys shut up for once, god puppying damn I hate you so much" said a;skl, the one who really doesn't like Keeeeeeys or anybody for that matter

The other dwarfs, however many I still have left to introduce are horribly uninteresting with no notable characteristics whatsoever. They're just complete tools and will do whatever you say when you say it, and I wont tell you the limits of what they WILL do if you ask them too, because I want this to be as audience friendly as possible.

And then the duck (he's me) dropped a cup of tea and the plot totally shifted

The plot is now "My cat jumped out of my arms and I have to pick him up"

I picked him up

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Posted

What.

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Posted

This is true poetry.

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