A story

17 posts in this topic

Posted

Okay, so I'm really into writing, and I was wondering if anyone could give me some feedback.

Rashaka sighed, digging her toes into the warm mud that was fresh after the night’s rain fall. She was currently waiting for her friend to get out of school on account that she didn’t go to school. She was too smart on account of her powers. She was the only on who knew about them and she never wanted anyone to find out. The school bell rang as she slipped her flip flops on.

It was the last day of school, and the students were really excited. It felt like an earthquake had hit as all the students ran out, ready to start their summer vacations as soon as possible. She watched for a girl with white hair as the students ran to mothers with their arms open or to fathers smiling with their baseball caps hiding their balding heads.

Soon, there was no one left but her. She sighed and went to the front door, hoping that her friend, Marilyn was still in there. She pushed past one of the doors to find herself in a deserted hallway. She turned the corner as she walked along. She went to the office when she got there and smiled at the receptionist as she hung up the phone.

“Why, hello there, Miss Jenalise,” she said in a sugar coated voice that made Rashaka want to puke. “What brings you here?” Rashaka signaled for a pen and paper, on account that she didn’t like to speak. “Oh, of course, the genius can’t speak. I should’ve of known.” Rashaka bit her lip, fighting back tears. Everyone made fun of her for not speaking and she was tired of it.

She turned around and left the receptionist to smirk to herself. She walked out of the school. Well, almost. When she reached the door, a janitor stopped her. She turned around, shocked that he had actually spoken to her. He smiled and gave her a pen and a piece of paper. She gave him an odd look. “I saw what happened,” he explained. “Don’t worry; she’s like that to everyone.”

She smiled at him and put the paper against a locker and began scribbling rapidly. She showed it to him. He smiled and said, “You’re welcome, Rashaka.” She wrote on the paper again and gave it to him. He read it quickly. His eyebrows bunched together. “She was here earlier. I think she went home sick.”

She sighed and pointed to the first message again and left.

‘Of course,’ she thought bitterly. ‘Now I have to walk two miles home. Alone.’

~~~~

As she came to her house, she noticed that it seemed eerily desolate. Her grandmother wasn’t on the porch, waiting to share the latest gossip, her brothers and sisters weren’t in the yard, playing tag or some other foolish game; it was just as she had thought, it was time.

She was going to have to prove who she was or her family was going to disappear, forever. Marilyn wasn’t her family, but she was close; really, really close.

She went into the house through the front door that seemed to be gasping as the summer breezes blew it back and forth.

“Hello, Rashaka,” said a voice that she knew all too well. ‘No.’ Her eyes widened as the voice from her nightmares seemed to dig its way into her skull, deleting all of her thoughts at once. The owner of the evil voice glided over to her as she shook violently; his plague was setting in, killing off everything that tried to keep her awake. Soon, she was slipping into a world of black while the owner of the voice smiled, he had caught his angel.

He has a name, but if I tell you, it will ruin the surprise, no?

He held her gently in his arms, cradling her as if she was a baby. He closed his eyes and began to dematerialize, coming into a world full of evil.

He smiled; he was home.

©2011 RXR_Nation All rights reserved.

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Posted

I can't really get into it. I'm sorry I can't explain this better, but I guess you need to make it more compelling by changing your syntax?

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Posted

That is a good point. I wrote this story almost four years ago so it's sucky. I'd post something new, but I'm on a different computer and the others are being difficult.

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Posted

Rashaka sighed, digging her toes into the warm mud that was fresh after the night’s rain fall. She was currently waiting for her friend to get out of school on account that she didn’t go to school. She was too smart on account of her powers. She was the only on who knew about them and she never wanted anyone to find out. The school bell rang as she slipped her flip flops on.

After I read this paragraph, I immediately lost interest in getting to know your character. Instead of showing me what your character was like as the story went on, you laid the situation down instantly.

It was the last day of school, and the students were really excited. It felt like an earthquake had hit as all the students ran out, ready to start their summer vacations as soon as possible. She watched for a girl with white hair as the students ran to mothers with their arms open or to fathers smiling with their baseball caps hiding their balding heads.

Is this girl having white hair crucial to her character? Is this a universe where everyone has strangely coloured hair, naturally? If neither, remove this detail.

He has a name, but if I tell you, it will ruin the surprise, no? Remove this. This is smug, pretentious, out of character for the narrator, and irritating to read.

There's plenty more for me to look at that I'll get into later. I'm too busy arting right now.

And, this is in the wrong forum.

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Posted

The story starts when your protagonist receives a strange e-mail.

Another character is a school teacher who has been spying on your protagonist.

Thats the result I got when I followed Gelp's link. I bet I could write a more interesting story with this here.

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Posted

Rashakaa!!

lawl so fun to say xD

Which is not something you really want

Not good if the best part of the story is saying the character's name, it is distracting xD

You are moving the story along wayyy too fast, which makes it feel awkward.

Sometimes you can throw the audience into a situation they know nothing about but it is really torturous if you don't tell them anythingg and just leave them in the dark the whole time.

Also, try to avoid using the same phrase so close, there are multiple ways of phrasing things

(referring to " on account that she didn’t go to school. She was too smart on account of...")

For me, at least, things like that are distracting and a little annoying.

You have some good descriptions but it feels like you are just trying to get to the next part of the story.

The result of that is something similar to whiplash, movement but then a sudden jolt when you get to the next part of the story.

It isn't great, but it isn't the worst ever xD

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Posted

Maybe this not-so-old one will get you to shut up.

I felt the car hit me. It was a red Kia, the kind my mom used to drive. I felt my bones cracking as I was thrown into the air. Then again, they weren't that hard to break. Nothing about me was hard to break. I felt the residing pain in my abdomen tear me apart. I felt myself landing on the road in a puddle of petrol.

I didn't feel the glass from my bottle as it pierced my heart.

My friends screamed and my girlfriend rushed over. Her eyes were wide and bloodshot. Such a pretty green color, too... Her hair was straw blonde, though. Weird, I hate blondes.

Wait, was that happening? No, a voice answered, it's just what you wanted to have happened. Yeah, right.

I looked to the sky. People were screaming as the driver raged on drunkly, laughing and honking his horn. Have you ever heard of rest in peace and not scream-until-your-lungs-give-out?

I looked away from the ink black sky to see another blonde, this one male. He was hovering over me protectively, and it annoyed the crap out of me. Mostly because he was the size of a fourteen year old. Great, so a blonde kid is going to resuscitate me.

Why was I being such a whiny crackpot? Right, hit and run driver. Great. Just what I needed.

The blonde boy picked the thrashing form of me onto the gurney that I hadn't noticed. The pretentious world had gone quiet, and it had distracted me. Pure silence. I had never heard it before. Heard it, seriously dude? The blonde prick kept with me as the EMT's rolled me, quickly but silently, to the ambulance. Sheesh, doesn't this kid know how to let the dead rest in peace? As if he could read my mind, he slapped me angrily, as if I should have been all happy-go-lucky. I was hit by a car, jerk. My head lopped to one side, and golden hair covered my eyes.

Gold, like blonde? You have got to be kidding me.

A vague memory tried to play as I closed my eyes, but I forced it to stop. That was the past. If you're almost as gone as me, the past doesn't matter. Nothing matters if you're me; not even yourself.

My eyes rolled into the back of my head as I gagged on my own tongue. Was it just me, or was an earthquake happening? I couldn't seem to still. After that passed, I looked to see the paramedics removing the glass from my heart. Okay, so that might have actually happened. Could they have all been in my imagination? If I had really been hit by a car, this could all be me suffering from trauma.

The only thought that had actually made sense to me was taken away as the tow-headed jerk hit me again. Another section of blonde hair. I turned my head towards him to yell, but he was mouthing something. Oh, for the love of God! Now we're playing charades!?

Wait, idiot, look at the people trying to help you live. Snap out of it, blondie! You're just like that moron who saved you! They were mouthing, too, of course. Was this seriously turning into a mime parade or something!?

I giggled at my lame attempt of a joke. That giggle turned into a bloody coughing fit. Brilliant, you freak! Laugh at your own stuff and you wind up losing nine-tenths of your blood! The boy was sobbing into his hands by now, and his ridiculous blonde hair-

Blonde? Wait, it is kind of golden. Am I related to that malicious piece of filth? Seriously? Out of all the hair colors of the world, we had the same freaking shade?

He opened his mouth once more and screamed something. I, of course, couldn't hear it. Brilliant Einstein! Of course you can't hear it! You've gone deaf numskull! The ambulance hit a speed bump and I nearly bounced off of the thing I was on. The boy whimpered, clutching a hand to his heart. There were glass shards sticking out, coated in blood. C'mon, think butt-head. Crap, I'm running out of insults.

I coughed, then giggled again. No bloody coughing fit. That's good. I closed my eyes slightly as I smiled. I was imagining a conversation between the two of us in some weird train. Hey, blonde boy, guess what! Then he would smile in his dumb and say, What dude? We're both dying! Then he would laugh, and we'd be amazing and unstoppable.

I opened my eyes to see the blonde boy screaming at me again. I could faintly see what he was trying to say: Adam. But who was Adam? Was he Adam and he was trying to get me to remember him? Was I Adam?

I was losing mental stability by then, and I saw spots dancing in front of my eyes. Both of the EMT's were trying their hardest to keep me alive.

Alive?

Adam?

I looked to the boy and dumbly stated the one thing that saved his life.

"You're me and we're both dying."

Then I flat lined. God, I hate blondes.

© 2011 RXR_Nation

After I read this paragraph, I immediately lost interest in getting to know your character. Instead of showing me what your character was like as the story went on, you laid the situation down instantly.

Is this girl having white hair crucial to her character? Is this a universe where everyone has strangely coloured hair, naturally? If neither, remove this detail.

There's plenty more for me to look at that I'll get into later. I'm too busy arting right now.

And, this is in the wrong forum.

Yes, it is. She is the same thing as Rashaka. I've said this before, THIS STORY IS FOUR YEARS OLD.

puppy, it finally discovered that there are other threads besides "Rawr".

There's really nothing more to say besides "this shit is gay". Trying to even look at this and take it seriously makes ME feel like a dumbass. Seriously. I could generate a more compelling read with this: http://www.archetypewriting.com/muse/generators/plot.htm.

This is bad and you should feel bad.

I'm a she. -_-

Four years old, gelp. I was nine. I was probably more of what you would call "normal".

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Posted

Sooooooo...correct me if I'm wrong...the main character hates blondes? I just can't tell, like it seems as though...but I just can't be sure..

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Posted

Maybe if your character in the second story wasn't literally insulting everything every other statement, and if you didn't cut off before explaining why there were two Adams, and if you didn't keep using ridiculous overdone expressions like emerald eyes, and if you didn't keep pressing the enter key, I wouldn't find myself forcing myself to finish your story.

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Posted

I get it, I suck.

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Posted

You got it! :>

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Posted

Rika Code might have some suggestions, kekekekee x3

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Posted

Your ideas suck too.

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Posted

She is one of those angsty 13 year olds tho...isn't she supposed to?

(I'll go along with your cover for now troll <3 )

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Posted

Well, as long as I don't turn into another Stephanie Meyer, I'm fine. I'll probably put out something like Degrassi and then die tragically in a gas station explosion.

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