It's that time of year again,

[Sahaqiel 1232]

To give another attention mongering existential rant about how I'm not good enough for anything and feel like I never will be and that I feel like you guys look down on me more everyday.

The Part About the School:

<Meowqiel> Nabe,

<Meowqiel> Calculus is just awful.

<Meowqiel> Rather,

<Meowqiel> I guess I'm just awful at calculus.

<Nabe> Okay.

<Meowqiel> How should I interpret that "okay", Nabe?

<Meowqiel> "Interesting bit of trivia, Saha. Or not. Either way I don't care whether or not you continue on the point you're trying to make."

<Meowqiel> "That sounds rough, Saha. I am listening and want to know the ways it is troubling you."

<Meowqiel> "Okay. So?"

<Nabe> It's the same as ? in this case. I.E. continue talking.

<Meowqiel> right

<Meowqiel> So

<Meowqiel> I go quite above and beyond the necessary work taken for our Calc II class,

<Meowqiel> I would hazard to say that I spend more time trying to get a good grade in calculus than anyone in the class.

<Meowqiel> School ends for me Monday through Thursday alternating between 3pm and 3:15pm,

<Meowqiel> On Wednesday, I have to run anime club, so technically it ends at 6pm,

<Meowqiel> At the end of my school day, I spend the rest of the day until ~9:20pm in the library doing nothing but calculus, oftentimes.

<Meowqiel> On the weekends, I stay home and do calculus. If I'm at a friend's house, I do calculus at that friend's house.

<Meowqiel> For who knows how many hours.

<Meowqiel> Every time I need a new page for my homework or notes or general studies or to make a study sheet,

<Meowqiel> I tear out a new page from my 100 page notebook

<Meowqiel> that notebook has around 30-40 pages l

<Meowqiel> left

<Meowqiel> Every paper I've torn out, front to back, is covered in calculus.

<Meowqiel> Occasionally, I will go back through my other papers and find small crevices in which to write more calculus, increasing the writing density.

<Meowqiel> In short, I do a lot of work for calculus.

<Meowqiel> I do all the assigned problems from the book and sometimes go back and do ones that weren't assigned.

<Meowqiel> When I get home from the library I study.

<Nabe> That's a lot of calculus.

<Meowqiel> My current grade in the class is something like 43.15.

<Meowqiel> I just took a quiz today.

<Nabe> Did it feel like you knew what you were doing?

<Meowqiel> It was a four question quiz

<Meowqiel> The first two problems I struggled with, the third problem I ran into five separate dead ends in.

<Meowqiel> I did not get to the fourth problem.

<Meowqiel> I'm unsure of my answers for the first two.

<Nabe> Hrm.

<Meowqiel> For the third, I set everything up, and literally wrote, step-by-step, the things you're supposed to do to solve the problem.

<Meowqiel> I understand how to do it.

<Meowqiel> I found the homework easy after a certain point.

<Meowqiel> I started solving some integrals in two lines.

<Meowqiel> I wrote the steps to say

<Meowqiel> "Yes, Mr. Grant, I know exactly what to do to solve this problem and have solved problems like it before. But I simply cannot solve the one you've just given me."

<Nabe> Maybe you have trouble taking tests?

<Meowqiel> I guess.

<Meowqiel> Before this class, that was my strong point.

<Meowqiel> The reason I passed classes sometimes, because homework was my weak point.

<Meowqiel> Now I'm doing everything in my power, and it's still not enough.

<Meowqiel> It isn't a low C or a D, I have a straight F.

<Meowqiel> The grade I've been aiming for all semester is an A, and in the worst case scenario, a B.

<Meowqiel> I even memorize some of the stuff he tells us we don't necessarily have to remember.

<Meowqiel> Like the integral of sec^3x

<Meowqiel> the book didn't explicitly mention this, but I figured out it's literally just the natural log of the derivative of secx plus the integral of secx, so remembering it like that makes it a lot easier

<Meowqiel> + C of course

<Nabe> I don't know what to say. If you're attending class, doing homework, studying, and are confident in your understanding of the material as you study it, and are confident that you're good at taking tests, then there's no apparent reason you should be having trouble, much less failing.

<Meowqiel> Yes.

<Meowqiel> That's why I'm freaking out so much, Nabe.

<Meowqiel> I don't understand it.

<Meowqiel> I don't know why I'm struggling to stay afloat

<Nabe> Consider talking to the teacher or a learning advisor?

<Meowqiel> I also visit the teacher during my lunch break, rather than eat lunch

<Meowqiel> I also do the physiological things that supposedly help

<Meowqiel> scent of peppermint for alertness, chewing gum for memory, ingesting theanine from tea for sharpness

<Meowqiel> sleeping for 7-8 hours and waking up around the same time every day

<Meowqiel> I ask for help from tutors

<Meowqiel> I have a study buddy

<Meowqiel> What am I doing wrong, Nabe?

<Nabe> In my first year calc, I failed pretty terribly, but only because I was behind and literally not attempting to keep up.

<Nabe> What was it about the questions in the quiz that you didn't know how to do?

<Meowqiel> The questioned seemed impossible to answer.

<Meowqiel> Every substitution, every trick

<Meowqiel> it all ran into something I couldn't solve.

<Nabe> Is the homework as challenging as the test problems?

<Meowqiel> quiz problems

<Meowqiel> the tests are easy

<Meowqiel> rather, the first test I took

<Meowqiel> which is the only one so far.

<Meowqiel> The quiz problems are the hard latter portion of the homework problems.

<Meowqiel> The kind most don't get around to doing because it takes so much time.

<Meowqiel> I've heard people say they're easy enough to be solvable, but challenging enough to know you understand the concepts.

<Meowqiel> I understand the concepts. I've been all around them up and down

<Meowqiel> I take note of all the pitfalls and I avoid them

<Nabe> Have you gotten to the hard homework?

<Meowqiel> Yes.

<Meowqiel> I tend to do homework like this

<Meowqiel> I start on the first problem, then do the last problem, then do the second, then second to last, etc.

<Meowqiel> and work my way inwards.

<Nabe> Weird, but okay.

<Meowqiel> At first I thought it was just because I was panicking

<Meowqiel> that I was getting too worked up and forgetting important things

<Meowqiel> but I was serene today

<Meowqiel> I practically meditated

<Meowqiel> Nothing worked

<Meowqiel> But he offers you so many resources and doesn't NOT say something about what we're supposed to be doing, so you can't even criticize him for it.

<Meowqiel> I've done practically everything

<Meowqiel> I just feel like trash

<Nabe> Yeah

I'm trying to get into U of I, which is a particularly selective engineering school. My cumulative GPA is 2.7, and I need it above 3.0, preferably above 3.2 - 3.5. This is the sole reason I've been working on Calc so hard and I am still doing awful. Every first glance at a quiz makes me break out in a cold sweat and makes me have existential thoughts that often intermingle with thoughts of suicide. It always dissipates quickly as I convert my feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy into anger, then motivation, but it has never, ever worked for me. Working hard, studying, and understanding both procedures and fundamental implementations don't help me. Isn't that pretty much everything? I need this class. I need to pass this class, and I really want to get higher than a C.

The Whiny Selfish Part:

So after a long day of calculus, I come onto the forum and I try to communicate occasionally, or I hope I can joke around with some members and maybe get some encouragement or maybe just a conversation that will get my mind off feeling useless and inadequate.

Everybody Draw Everybody

<%Fierce_Muffin> What is on top of the muffin

<Meowqiel> Muffin texture

<%Fierce_Muffin> o

<Meowqiel> Also, try to guess who the skylark is

<%Fierce_Muffin> He's not important enough

<Meowqiel> lol

<Meowqiel> Muffin

<Meowqiel> what do you think

<%Fierce_Muffin> It's definitely a cannon acting like a head

<Meowqiel> Muffin

<Meowqiel> you are the worst

<Meowqiel> ever

<Meowqiel>

<Meowqiel> you make me question why I even do things

<Towelqiel> did you see the draw errone thread

<Towelqiel> or my entry in it ammonsa

<Ammonsa> yes

<Towelqiel> that's good...

<Towelqiel> so far I have only gotten ambiguous statements on it saying that it certainly exists and that it certainly has been observed

<Towelqiel> which is pretty much objectively a negative response

<Ammonsa> are we human

<Ammonsa> or are we dancer

<Towelqiel> disregarding that, do you know who the bird is ammonsa

<Towelqiel> or do you have a good guess

<Ammonsa> America?

<Ammonsa> im rite am i

<Towelqiel> I'll give you a hint Ammonsa

<Towelqiel> it's a skylark

<Ammonsa> implying that helps

<Meowqiel> Phanta's name is Skyler

<Meowqiel> so yes lol

<Ammonsa> yes I understood the reference

<Meowqiel> I understand I suck.

* Ammonsa huggles u

<Meowqiel> I don't understand why the things I do have to illicit such negative responses.

<Ammonsa> thats not negative <3

<Meowqiel> but it's not even related

So I would have drawn more people, but I literally only have a couple of hours of free time Mon-Fri because I'm schooling. For those who I wanted to draw but didn't have a clear idea on or didn't have enough time for, I apologize. :< I'll probably get around to you. Also, this is what I chose to do for the first hour of my birthday.

This is literally what I chose to do for the first hour or so of my 20th birthday, to get my mind off the stressed of school as a small indulgence before I do more calculus and gain a more negative aspect on my life. I can't even ask for a "lol" or a " " when I spend time on something I think will be enjoyed, even a little bit. I can't even ask for a definitive reactio towards what I've spent an hour of my life on. Why should I try to be part of a community that doesn't care if I'm part of it?

The Sahaqiel Appreciation Thread

Why does no one make topics anymore?

More like "why does no one make topics about me anymore"

"why does no one post about me all the time anymore"

"why do people talk about things that AREN'T me"

"me"

"ME"

When I posted an ambiguous topic, Teto automatically assumed I was just complaining that no one pays attention to me anymore. Clearly a pretty bad sign that people assume you're an annoying selfish prick when given the choice in what to believe.

Sahaqiel's General Stuff Thread

10 replies

5/10 are from me

2/5 of the other responses are about what I've done

1/2 of those is Corrupt One, who hardly even comes here.

I hardly feel like working on my projects anymore because every time I work on them, I feel like I could be doing calculus. When I do work on them, no one cares. I don't get any feedback, positive or negative. I have to specifically ask for some kind of reaction on chat or something before anyone tells me anything. So yeah, maybe I appear to be pretty self-centered if I actually have to ask individual people just for an opinion or feedback.

Made Video Gaming its own forum

Two replies by interested parties.

For everyone else, not even "Oh, that was a pretty good idea!" or "That is a terrible idea but I'll get used to it."

Majora's Mask with Just Left Click

See, things like these are only worth it if you can have a good time with friends while you do it. I may not have had a mic and you might not have been there, but two posts of interests doesn't really lend to whether or not I'm doing something right.

Talk about the new layout!

I stayed up until nine in the morning writing up the first eighth of my LA guide and reorganizing the forum lol.

Just give feedback here. It won't hurt my feelings.

Four responses.

Like, what do I have to do to be part of this community again? I don't have enough time to get comfortable with you guys AGAIN because apparently I'm that socially awkward guy who comes in every once in awhile, tries to be a cool kid, isn't in on the joke, and complains a lot when his problems start to affect his demeanor when trying to talk to people who he thinks are his friends. It's worse than getting negative feedback. It's practically like I don't exist on this board anymore.

[True Gamer 19]

Don't focus too much on the negative. I'm sure there are positive things out there that are often overlooked. Hell, you are taking calculus, and I stopped at Trigonometry in high school. Sounds like you are trying to get into a more selective school. If you choose a harder route, expect occasional times of hardship and discouragement. Keep at it, though. You're a smart guy.

As far as the other topics go, I am hardly posting outside of the Open Floor and Wild West sections. The video game into its own forum should be discussed among those in some power. I doubt us lowly members would mind the outcome. I apologize for not being much help in that respect.

[Michael 290]

Sounds a lot like me.

[Teto 2609]

Posting to say I'm sorry and to say that I did in fact read all of this, and understand why you're upset, and do care that you are. I just don't want to go looking inside myself right now to give you a reason, though I'd like to, so you can see that it's not your fault.

Also, I didn't understand two of the drawings. I got "Headcannon", muffin, ganny, Phanta (Skyler / Lark) (though only just now in this thread because I didn't realise it was a Skylark). Clueless for Au, and bah though. And I guess Popee the Performer as Watashi is to do with t1g?

And the tailed stickman, if that was aimed at anybody in particular, would probably be me?

[Cirt 612]

Sounds a lot like me.

During Sahaqiel's texts to me this morning, I mentioned you, Tappy.

and then I felt like a horrible person

We love you guys, man. I know that I appreciate all the work that is put in here. I don't know how to help with all your other problems though. No one really does. I can try to talk it out with you, but it's hard when there is no end to something that's wrong.

[SilverAlchemic 355]

The Au thing was me, hence the "I'm a part of this forum too!" thing.

I'm really sorry, Saha. I want to say something at least slightly inspirational/uplifting/understanding, but I'm shit with words, and, nothing is coming to my head. Just know that I feel really bad for you, and everyone here on the forums loves you.(In a friendly way. Except Kaffles, she loves you in a romantic way.)

I hope saying that isn't awkward?

[Sahaqiel 1232]

Well, my mood has been swinging back and forth over and over for the past few days. Every hour or two I become the most depressed I have ever been, then really motivated and happy, then back to being painfully depressed. I keep feeling more and more alone and more and more useless. In other words, my mood swings keep dipping lower and lower. My girlfriend's absence over the weekend was definitely timed awfully, and she conveniently didn't notice some of my texts and attempts at communication which makes me feel even more awful. I keep reaching new lows of emotional being. It feels like some of my friends simply just don't like me as much anymore. Maybe because I keep getting angstier, shittier, and more desperate. So it's a vicious cycle.

I may overreact to things people say or read too much into them, but that's not without cause. I take communicating with people very seriously, and if you don't act like the conversation is worth it, I'll assume that's what you believe, because what else am I supposed to base it on? Small things like saying "hi" or "k" really set me off. I'm serious. It pisses me the fuck off. I feel like all the effort I put into having an appreciative conversation or friendly demeanor is just worthless in the face of things like that. How badly do you have to think of someone to think that "hi" is possibly the correct way to greet them? This is a peek inside my heart. Of all the way to greet someone, "hi" is one of the most offensive. You could say "fuck you" and it would at least be two words. This is how exaggerated my emotions are. And it only gets worse the more awful I feel. Every time I see "hi" it's like I get punched in the face, and I don't feel like talking anymore. Fuck that greeting, and all it stands for.

Then I actually get around to talking to a person. I'm not the only one with problems, so I talk with people about them when I can. But then, like I've said before, I have to coax some kind of response out of people. Any kind of non-"k" response. What kind of world do I live in that allows this kind of response? It's even less characters than "hi". All it means is "I've received your information". It feels like you're looking down on it. Some shitty ambiguous answer that ultimately just means you are able to read, and that you're not impressed, and it is apparently my job to impress you. What happened to mutual interest? Why is it I am always asking for more information to understand a situation, and whenever I'm talking about something, I get "k" or some wordier equivalent? Sometimes I'm even excited about it, or think someone else will be excited about it, and I'll just get back something like:

<Sahaqiel>

<%Fierce_Muffin> This is definitely 3D

<%Fierce_Muffin> I don't know what you want me to say

<Meowqiel> T1g

<Meowqiel> Stay still

<Meowqiel> http://www.hyrule.ne..._10#entry387513

<Meowqiel> just look at this post

<Meowqiel> You

<Meowqiel> why haven't you clicked my link

<T1g> the drawing thing?

<T1g> i did

<T1g> and i said something right?

<Meowqiel> NO

<T1g> <T1g> the big gay box

<Meowqiel> t1G

<Meowqiel> I linked you to an image I drew

<Meowqiel> and you mentioned an image Teto drew

<T1g> ok so what do you want me to say about it lol

<Meowqiel> ...

<Meowqiel> i am the worst at everything

<Meowqiel> T1g you are Popee

<Meowqiel> acknowledge this is some way

<T1g> o

<T1g> ok lol

an even worse kind of response, "what do you want me to say". Like I DON'T KNOW, I just maybe wanted some kind of opinion rather than to just be blown off? Say what comes to mind? If you can't come up with anything good to say, then it just defaults to awful. If you can say it's awful, at least it's some kind of response. I don't know what I have done to incur the wrath of the Completely Indifferent To Everything You Do Gods. I actually feel like worthless trash that doesn't do anything right in the presence of these comments. Is there a Basic Human Communications course? A Mutual Respect While Conversing course? Something that can purge the world of awful, indifferent, tactless remarks?

I checked in this thread today, not because I needed to rant, but because I went to bed early after sending a text to my girlfriend. I coincidentally woke up just a couple hours later, just in time to wake up to a text from my girlfriend that ignored a previous text I sent her, which made me feel like we're not as close anymore. I woke up feeling pretty awful that she hadn't texted me back and that I somehow woke up already thinking of my school and friend related dreads, so it was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. I actually felt suicidal. I'd felt this bad before, but I knew it was a temporary thing. I seriously considered calling a suicide hotline just to have someone anonymous to talk to, because I texted kaffles and called her several times but I guess she'd already gone to sleep, less than two minutes after sending me the text that she was going to sleep. I felt really alone, and I continue to feel more and more alone, and I keep bouncing these thoughts back and forth in my mind, and they all just make me feel like I don't actually have friends. And sometimes I hardly feel like I have a significant other.

My girlfriend of almost two years, kaffles, and I always work out problems in real time. We talk about any and everything together, and we talk almost every single day. The most reoccurring problem is that she can be very selfish and inconsiderate of my feelings, and doesn't reciprocate some of the things I do for her. When we're together, I'm always asking her how she feels, or what she's doing, or what she wants to do. I take a personal interest in her because well, I love her. More than anything. But she doesn't make me feel like I'm on the same level as her sometimes, or sometimes it'll feel like she doesn't find me as irresistible as I do her. She never goes out of her way to reciprocate my actions or feelings. I might give her ten to fifteen minute backrubs, (without her asking) but when we switch or if she, likewise on a whim, gives me a backrub, will kind of try to give me one for like three minutes and then stop and request we switch, as if it was an excuse to get me to rub her back. Before I started complaining about it, she would never ask me what I wanted to do, and I would always ask her what she wants to do. It makes me feel like a boy toy.

I literally spend two and a half hours, minimum, in transit from my house to her house, and she will complain if I'm late. Like yeah, I want to spend more time with you too, but it's really fucking difficult to get to your house, and for every ten minutes you want me there earlier, another gigantic gap for failure opens up. Then two and a half hours back, often ending with me walking home an extra forty minutes at one in the morning. It took LL like twelve hours to drive from his town to mine. From Texas to Illinois, twelve hours. From my house to kaffles' to-and-from, 5 minimum, with the possibility of upwards 8 in the worst possible scenario. And she never comes to my town, because her mom doesn't let her. It's always me walking through heat, cold, and rain to get to her house.

Recently, her mom dropped me off at the bus stop again and while they were riding back, her mom started ranting at her and asking her what she even finds good about me. Her mom doesn't like me, you see. kaffles didn't respond because she didn't want to make her mom more angry, but when I found out, we discussed more in depth and it just made me feel worse and worse. kaffles' parents both don't think I go to a very good school. Fair enough, I don't. We've been through this, and I'm trying to get into a better university. Then the other complaints kaffles' mom goes through, like that she doesn't think I'm very outgoing, and that it always looks like kaffles is just babying me and taking care of me whenever I'm at their house.

First of all, I only come over when kaffles wants me to, and she's never really explained that to her mom. To avoid making her angry or something, even though it would clear up a misunderstanding they have that I'm clingy and dependent upon kaffles. When I'm at her house, kaffles and I pretty much just spend alone time together, and I'm always focused on her, so I don't tend to get into very many conversations with her family. She also feeds me and makes sure I'm warm on the way home or something, but I don't really need those things. I just take the hospitality because her family views it as offensive if I don't. kaffles even acknowledged she thinks her mom just looks for the negative because she has a predisposition against me. But she couldn't even tell me herself, if I have any redeeming qualities. She literally has not, to this day, told me anything in response to what her mom said about me that contradicts it, and didn't respond when I asked her what my redeeming qualities were at all.

After a certain point, it just looked like kaffles was really agreeing with her mom, and I was pissed off, but I kept my composure and asked her if she knows that I'm better than her mom's description. She didn't say anything satisfactory, and the conversation snowballed until kaffles did actually admit she thinks I'm a loser in some aspects, because of school related things. I cried profusely on the train and at her house when I confronted her face to face about it. It made me feel horrible on so many levels, that she doesn't think I've done anything worthwhile, and it made me feel like nothing I ever do will be worthwhile. She never encouraged me ever, and she doesn't listen to things I say if she's angry. She already knows she has a hard time being understanding and considerate, and I don't think we've worked that out yet.

Sometimes it feels like my words carry less bearing to her, even though I'm her boyfriend and that's not how that works. For instance, we made promises to each other that we'd work hard in certain areas, but she apparently doesn't find them to be very valuable promises, because she hardly ever attempts to go through with them, and I'm always working hard and struggling just so I can look her in the eye with pride. I made her promise she'd exercise in the school gym a half an hour to an hour every day, or try to, and to take less naps, because she has hypothyroidism and is trying to lose the weight she accumulated. This isn't even about her being considerate of me. I just wanted her to do that for herself, because she's told me that she's not confident in her body image and thinks she looks gross. I tell her she's beautiful, because that's what I honestly believe, and she still can't accept it, so what else is there to do than to want her to do this for herself? But she opts for more naps. I stay in school much longer than most find necessary.

She's also acknowledged that she's indifferent to our separate planned professions. That she wouldn't really care how many games I've made, because that's my business, and she has hers. Despite the fact that I want to understand more about her business, and take an interest in her art, because couples are based on mutual respect. She's almost never interested in what I'm doing anymore. I'm always trying to do things for her, but to get her to do anything for me, I have to make a big fiasco about it, like I'm not worth just being asked about my feelings. I asked her once, "If I treated you the same way you treat me, what do you think would happen to us?" She responded within ten seconds, "We'd drift apart".

Near the beginning of our relationship, she would hang onto every word I said and always try to become interested in things I liked. Now I'm just struggling to believe that she really thinks we should be together, or that I'm not just with her because I'm the wrong choice she stuck with. Sometimes I'll send her sweet nothings through texts, and she'll ignore them because she doesn't notice them or something. It makes me feel awful and disconnected from her. That's what happened tonight.

Despite all these things, I still think we're great together, and when we're together I'm the happiest I've ever been, but her lack of consideration just feels like living, burning hell sometimes, and believing that she doesn't think I'm worthless is almost a chore. We're working through these issues one by one, but I've never felt so alone before. She was going to work at a convention in Atlanta this weekend, and I called her up at midnight on my birthday, and it slipped her mind I guess, because she actually forgot it. She told me I forgot her birthday as a response when I was indignant about it, but that year on her birthday, I took the train and bus to her house trying to get there before she called me so the first thing I would say to her that day was "Happy birthday. I love you!" out loud, and in person. I had planned for this to happen. I didn't want to just settle for calling her at midnight, but I had to go out of my way for both things. For her birthday and mine. This is how the exchange went.

"Betty!"

"Allen!"

"Guess what it is today?"

"What?"

"You forgot? I sent you a text half an hour ago saying 'guess what it is in a half an hour', and you didn't even check?"

"What? What is it?"

"... Betty." ):

"... wait..."

"You remember?!"

"... is it your birthday?"

"Yeah!" ):

Like okay yeah, she was working on convention stuff so it must have slipped her mind, but she never bothered to tell me about the convention ever since she first told me almost two weeks prior. The only thing that vaguely hinted at it was that she was going to spend the night at her friend's house and took the bus to her apartment. I was so absorbed in calculus studies I completely forgot, because she didn't remind me. Later that night, I told her I was working on a silly drawing for Hyrule.net [that would go on to be almost completely uncared for by any parties involved], and I asked her if she wanted to see it, because she's trying to get me into drawing, which I actually take effort in sometimes for her sake. So she told me yeah, and the timing of it implied that if she didn't see it that day, she would see it tomorrow. The next morning she wakes me up with texts saying she's on the bus. She didn't mention the con, so I assumed it was back to her campus building.

I am very worried about kaffles, all the time. She's a small cute person, and she gets almost as many creepy guys hitting on her as I do. Even though my town has higher crime rates than hers, I worry about her safety a lot. I remind her to take her pepper spray and to use the buddy system whenever she goes out, especially at night. She is definitely not as adept at self-defense than I am. So I accidentally forget my phone in my desk at school. The last message I got from kaffles was that she was on the bus, and in my mind she'd be home at her campus. She wasn't online, the whole day. She didn't tell me happy birthday on Facebook or anything, she simply wasn't signed into everything. Again, we talk, every day. On the off chance we haven't communicated for a day or more, we start to miss each other very much, (or at least, I hope she misses me as much as I miss her) and on the occasion that she doesn't pick up her phone in addition to not answering texts or being online, that's when I start to go into hardcore boyfriend panic mode. I called her on my mom's phone four or five times. The phone didn't go straight to voicemail, so she didn't just turn it off. But she wasn't answering.

The really unnerving and disturbing part of this all is that it was on my birthday. I would never wish something bad would happen to intervene with kaffles talking with me, but in my mind, the alternative was that she just didn't consider that I'd want to talk to her and be with her on my birthday. So assuming she at least has that much consideration for me, I would think disappearing off the face of the earth after going home alone on a bus would be very stressful, and it only made the situation I posted in this thread much, much worse. I stayed up until midnight, until my whole 20th birthday passed without a single blip of communication from kaffles, being pushed to tears every few minutes, but never just crying. Everything felt hopeless and bleak. In my distress, I simply couldn't come up with any alternatives to her just ignoring me for petting a cat or going somewhere without telling me in the middle of a conversation (like she has done often in the past) and her being kidnapped and scared somewhere, or worse. The convention was completely not on my mind, because even when she told me she was on the bus or going to her friend's, and in one case, making a sale (which I assumed was on Etsy because there was no context) she only mentioned the con once a couple weeks prior.

So I actually go to my school the next day on Saturday, walking fast and feeling like I was on a rescue mission or on a stampede towards a destination that would just bring me awful news. I kept imagining I'd get my phone back and there'd be a garbled text saying she's being abducted or something. I get my phone back and there are six missed text messages and eight missed calls. You cannot begin to understand how much of a cold sweat I broke out into. I was absolutely livid and cast into a pit of neverending despair for those three seconds before I looked and saw that those texts were from my mom, stepdad, little brother, and two were from kaffles talking about more sales with no context. The calls were from various people, but mostly my mom. The con was noisy and she didn't hear her phone go off. I chewed kaffles out for being vague and inconsiderate, because yes, she just didn't find it worth it enough to talk to me after she got to her sister's house. It was a long day for her, and she didn't sleep the night before, I admit, but even after the longest day in the coldest night, I would stand outside at a pay phone in freezing rain to wish her happy birthday before going to sleep. She didn't need to do that at all. She had internet at her sister's. A simple "seen" message in her Facebook window would have eased my worries. She knows how much I worry about her.

So after all this fiasco, I go to my friend's house. It used to be somewhat of a joke between us, but this is the third or fourth time I've just gone to his house to sleep or do calculus. I literally just ignore them to do calculus and can somehow concentrate more than if I were at home. I'm not only feeling worthless and hopeless, I'm ignoring my friends while I'm at it. What a good guy I am.

So I woke up practically suicidal, then I was definitely suicidal. I strongly considered dialing up the suicide hotline so I could have someone to talk with about my problems. But I felt sickened to even hold my phone, so I just came here instead. I don't feel as bad anymore, but you guys can be really insensitive to someone's hard time if it's not the immediate problem. I wish we could all just get along and support each other all the time. But I'm just being a fuckup. I can't even begin to tell you how much of a worthless cunt I feel. I'm more self aware than most people, I think. And I know that if I killed myself, I would make a lot of people sad, and I wouldn't be able to face death without reaching my goals. But I feel like I'm the only one concerned about not making anyone sad, and I'm not entitled to my emotions, and they're not worth entitlement in the first place.

Mostly, I would never do that to my mom. After my brother Marquise was killed in that drive-by, she's always worrying about me too. She loves me and wants me to be happy, and I'm failing pretty hard at that. She always told me she wouldn't know what to do if I died. She'd probably kill herself. The despair chain would never end. kaffles used to be pretty violent about the idea of anyone hurting me. Like, murderous. I don't know if she feels the same way anymore. I think she could get over it if I died nowadays.

I'm working this hard in calculus for kaffles. Mostly for her. Like 80% for her, 20% because I need to get into that college. Seriously. And I really really want to get into that college, so you can imagine how much I want kaffles to be proud of me, even a little bit. So I'm in motivational overdrive for this all the time. But my best efforts aren't even getting me anywhere. I feel worthless. Worthless worthless worthless. I feel like I can't look her in the eye or ask her to give me basic emotional support if I don't get higher than a C. And I have an F. And I still need to work on getting a good grade in physics, but that class is a wildcard.

I don't know what I have to do in order for you guys to understand how I feel, and to be honest, I don't want anyone to understand the feeling of worthlessness and existential despair, though I'm sure you've all had something similar. But I've reached so many new lows. Every time my mood swings back into bad, I reach an even deeper circle of personal hell. But no one chooses to understand me. I'm just the guy that overreacts to small conversational quirks and when no one pays attention to him or invests ten minutes in being curious about the things he does unless he writes a novella describing his personal struggles.

I didn't think it was really this easy to push someone near the edge. I view my problems as petty, and they're still trying to kill me. Or I'm trying to kill me. I don't know how to phrase this right. I feel bad, in short, and I'm surprised at how frail my mind is, apparently. I've always tried to keep a strong demeanor, but when I feel this alone, I can't help but notice how much I really depend on other people. I love and care for them too much, and I can't go without being near them or getting encouragement from them. Sometimes it feels like my tap has run dry. Like I find people so important when they don't find me important at all, so I've just run out of fucks to give.

[True Gamer 19]

It has been a tough year for everyone this year, hasn't it? Myself included. First off, let me say that while some of those around you may not go to such a great length as yourself to show how much we care and support each other, your friends do sincerely care for you, I'm sure.

I'll try to respond to your post in a chronological manner as best I can. Excuse me for any errors, as I'm tired and this is the last thing I'm doing before going to bed.

I've actually found myself in such a predicament as others when you post. To be specific, this thread. It is not that I didn't care, or anyone else. Personally, I needed to reread it a couple of times to make sense of it. "What do you want me to say?" comes to mind when the information presented doesn't process through the mind right away. For the chat examples you posted, perhaps you could post the link and ask for the type of criticism/comment you are looking for. Just a suggestion. It can be hard to present someone a piece of artwork who doesn't know the first thing about art and ask him about texture and such.

Now for the relationship part. Wow. Two years is quite a while. Congrats on that. =)

Ever heard of "puppy love?" (Here, I actually mean puppy, not the f-bomb). This is the lovey dovey love that fresh couples have when they are first together. You may no longer be experiencing such a relationship, which is natural. This may be why kaffles has not been putting in an equal effort as you have, at least how you describe her. Less interest in your activities, less effort into mutual activities such as back rubs. I understand you are in love with her. I really do. I've been there myself. From what I can tell, you would do anything for her. As hard as it may sound to do, tone it down a bit. You may be doing too much for the relationship. She may want some space. Try talking to her about that. You both should still be able to be together, and keep living your lives and pursuing goals. I hope this makes sense.

It isn't the first time the parents of the girl aren't too fond of the boyfriend. It is kind of messed up that kaffles would say that about you, though, at least from my perspective. I would presume instead of throwing putdowns at you, she would try to give you some advice or support in your hardships. If you see the need, feel free to focus more on yourself for a bit. It may be that you have given up some opportunities and advancements in your own life for her, intentional or not. Shit, I know this all too well from personal experience. And two years is a long time, if you did give up some progress in your own life goals for her. From what I've read, you are working hard on your studies mostly for her. Doing things for yourself seems to be more of the way to go. Show some self-determination and self-motivation. It will boost your own confidence. You are focusing too much on getting acceptance from kaffles;I feel you want to transfer to another school for mostly the chance that she will be proud of you.

I don't have much left to say, at least for the moment, but I will check back on this thread tomorrow on my lunch break after my musicianship class. Hang in there, sir. The blues are a hard thing to battle alone.

[Ammonsa 308]

Saha I am woefully inadequate at providing any kind of solutions or answers, because I don't have any and I'm not going to insult you by saying the standard bullshit you hear every time.

Instead I'm just going to tell you how much I love you. How much you as a human being are worth to me and so many people around you, so many of us here. You've expressed to me your feelings of worthlessness and existential dread, and I assure you that I understand it, trust me, I get it. I have those feelings frequently too.

And they're wrong, and both of us are wrong when we say those things. You aren't worthless. And we love you.

I can't express enough how great a person you are. I won't lie, it's not like we've never had disagreements. It's not like I haven't been a total dick to you sometimes. But they pass and the one thing that's constant is that we're friends and that I love you like I love all my friends. I might not be great at expressing it towards you but I've always considered you one of my best friends and I've always been extremely grateful that we could be friends. And I don't know if this means anything to you but whenever I've mentioned to someone how my favourite people live over in America, in my head its you, you're one of those people.

I don't know much else to say so I just want to reiterate how much all of us care about you. I love you Saha, and loads of other people do too.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

It can be hard to present someone a piece of artwork who doesn't know the first thing about art and ask him about texture and such.

i think basic communication tends to go something like this

1) state something

2) is it understood?

Y) develop the context, say what comes to mind about it (react)

N) ask questions, revert to 2

3) end communications

so in the case of the image, for instance, it would go

1) the topic

2) is it understood?

Y) it appears to be of humorous nature. something related to reaction to humor.

N) i dont get the joke. i will ask for it to be explained, and develop understanding.

3) that was a good exchange, as all the necessities have been achieved

instead this is how it goes

1) the topic

2) is it understood?

Y) vague answer

N) vague answer

4) ask for how to react

would you want to live in a world in which communication like this was standard

i am fairly sure i didnt need to spell that out for you

all i want is actual communication

it doesnt have to be fancy, just a legitimate exchange in words that all connect in some way

Ever heard of "puppy love?" (Here, I actually mean puppy, not the f-bomb)

we actually got more lovey-dovey as time went on

she just put less and less importance into maintaning equality in the relationship, as i put more and more effort into it

if im just puppy love then fuck everything

Show some self-determination and self-motivation.

im sorry to say youve stepped on a landmine

this is possibly the most offensive thing you could have said to me

i wont blame you for it though

It will boost your own confidence. You are focusing too much on getting acceptance from kaffles;I feel you want to transfer to another school for mostly the chance that she will be proud of you.

the school is honestly mostly for me

i could have realistically said that transferring was 100% for me and 200% for her

im saying that pretty much my threshold for trying has been pushed more than im physically capable of doing at a time

so yeah i mean i really still want to make her proud of me, but it doesnt change the fact that the schoolwork is affecting me this much, and im still doing it largely for me

if i could i would take all three calculus courses as three separate people, and ive already taken calc 1

I don't have much left to say, at least for the moment, but I will check back on this thread tomorrow on my lunch break after my musicianship class. Hang in there, sir. The blues are a hard thing to battle alone.

i appreciate the sentiment but i was just told that i should be more introverted

so youre telling me that its detrimental to be alone but saying i should place less importance in the people around me

I think that if your happiness is based off of other people then you can only be as happy as they let you. I hope you find some balance. I don't mean to sound mean, if I come off that way

the k and hi responses arent from kaffles

she doesnt see the appeal of using them i guess

part of why i love her

also, i am being so depressed for maybe 2/3 of this because it is kaffles that is doing it

what youre telling me is that there isnt anything wrong with your friends and significant other not letting you be happy

or that its not like, something i should be concerned as much about

i know theyre not literally trying to restrict my happiness, but why is it that its been established that they make me react this way and yet they still do these things to me

it almost looks intentional to me

not even an "oh sorry, i didnt mean it like that"

And we love you.

thank you

you dont have to be particularly insightful, because really, i think i just have to find answers to these problems myself

it still makes me feel awful and would still like friendly support

but you guys havent even acknowledged that im not looking for pity or for everyone to love what im doing and think im the coolest kid on the block

i just want an actual response

i want to be reciprocated, even a little bit, or to have some kind of consideration for how i have been established to act

it feels like i live in a society of people who havent learned that i dont like being punched in the mouth

i have seriously considered leaving several times before suicide was even a thing

but i keep coming back because i keep hoping that my friends will act like friends without me having to ask them to

Every time my mood swings back into bad, I reach an even deeper circle of personal hell. But no one chooses to understand me. I'm just the guy that overreacts to small conversational quirks and when no one pays attention to him or invests ten minutes in being curious about the things he does unless he writes a novella describing his personal struggles.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

I'm a fair bit more stable and coherent than last night.

I was just releasing all my built up petty complaints, I think.

I don't even know.

[Teto 2609]

I understand why you're feeling and acting this way. Just thought I'd let you know that. Sorry that it really does seem like you have to be like this to get noticed. I guess I personally just distance myself from people as much as possible but only try to help when it looks absolutely necessary or I feel too bad to let it go unnoticed.

Sorry for being honest about how introverted I'm being right now but I don't think I can really stomach lying. At least this way you can peg me as 'the guy who legitimately doesnt care about anybody's passtimes.'

But that doesnt mean I don't care about you. I personally just don't care much about others' real life activities. Sorry, and I wish I did.

I've been feeling pretty bad recently too. Nowhere near what you're feeling though. Just a lot of indifference to pretty much everything in my life. Just wanting to shut myself away for whatever reason and not see anyone or do anything and just be totally alone. I wish a lot too that people would ask how I'm doing sometimes, but I feel like I joke around so much that people just assume I'm fine. I've one or two friends I talk to about real stuff but I feel like I dont really mean a whole lot to them since they dont really ask much of me in return. Where I try and talk through their stuff with them, they dont really return it. Though they probaby do but I just knock it away and say I'm fine.

And sorry to kind of call you out but this did bother me. When on skype chat and Cascade was on and started talking. I understand her reaction since I sort of interrupted her, but I started talking about something in my life and she immediately pretty much asked if she had requested my life story and basically had me stop. Then she proceeded to rant about everything in her life in a 3 hour skype call. But I did interrupt her at the very beginning. She wouldn't have known I would go back to listening mode for 3 hours, and that she'd stopped me in the middle of one of the rare occasions when I feel weighed down enough to share my feelings with other people.

Sorry again for mentioning it here. You'll probably hold a grudge a little for the fact I mentioned it here rather than anywhere else.

Here's my tumblr rant from last night, about other stuff that has been bothering me lately.

http://sideli.tumblr...t-would-be-in-a

Reply I got to that was "what the hell other response is there? saying “i agree” or “me too” is about as natural as saying “i’m sorry” when someone does something wrong. there’s… not much else of a response to be had". Well you know, there could be what I do, and ask questions to get them to talk about it more and help them make sense of it if they haven't already.

I really hope I'm not a hypocrite, not realising how inconsiderate I am. All I know is that I definitely spend a lot of time listening and trying to help people when they talk to me about themselves. In general I spend most of my time listening anyway. And if not listening, then making jokes. Sometimes I wonder if the reason I find it so hard to talk about my feelings is that even I don't take myself seriously anymore. But that's far too melodramatic to be true.

[True Gamer 19]

Sorry if I offended you on the self-motivation topic. I could have worded that much better. What I meant to say is to do more things for yourself, because it really does seem that you want to better yourself more for her than yourself. At least, this may be the case in calculus, where you stated you are doing it for her 80% of the way. While focusing more on yourself in regards to own personal goals and development, let people in to your head a bit. At your current state, you may not be in the best condition to help and do things for others as you normally would. Let people irl know that you aren't 100% right now. And that's ok.

Reading your more recent posts, I'm seeing that school/people here may not be the thing this keeping you down. You stated that kaffles is 2/3 the reason you are feeling down. It may not be intentional. She, similar to me earlier, may not completely understand what makes you tick. For instance, the land mine I set off unintentionally earlier. Since she is around you more often, she is prone to do it more often. I doubt she would show insensitivity if she knew it bugged you that much. Communication overall seems to be getting to you from everyone, however. It may not be just her, but it comes off stronger from her due to your feelings towards her.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

IN OTHER NEWS

my teacher finally put my test grade into my class grade. 79 on the test, 72 in the class. With my recent 14/40 quiz it knocked it down to 71.75. In either case I'm going to have to pull 81 and higher on the next four quizzes and one test in order to get a 90.

and like that almost all my existential dread just dissipates

not all of it of course, i still have to try insanely hard

[Teto 2609]

I don't quite understand American schooling and stuff, but I guess this means things are looking up school-wise? I suppose this is a percentage out of 100 or something.