It's that time of year again,

[Sahaqiel 1232]

Well see Teto, our grading system is based on 100, yes.

You fail the class if you get below a 60, which is an F.

<60 - F

>60 - D

>70 - C

>80 - B

>90 - A

I've had a 40-something this whole semester, which would mean I'd have to take the class over and I'd have a 40 for calc II in my permanent record. The school I'm going to wants me to have a B or an A, and I've been trying for an A all semester, which is why I'm freaking out so hard.

I've actually started tossing and turning in bed, which I've never done before. I thought it was just incidental, but it keep happening whenever I'm particularly stressed. I've never done this. I wake up with my blankets like this.

Pretty much yeah this means things are looking up, definitely. I got boosted a whole 20 to 30 points. That's insane. I don't think that even works that way. Was it the extra credit I went out of my way to get? Who knows, but I have a C right now. I'm passing. I have to get high scores on my next assignments, so I'll have to try even harder.

[Cirt 612]

I'm on my phone so I am not answering as detailed as I would like, but this appears to

be your main problem.

you're condemning Betty for your lack of happiness. here's the thing: she's not responsible for that. if you want a good relationship, your happiness comes from yourself and your own self content. a significant other can only (and should only) add to that happiness. it's okay to be upset with them, but you're completely basing your happiness and well being off of it. that's not healthy.

you are being "too" selfless. making drastic measures to prove to someone how much you love them and expecting them to do the same for you is, ironically, selfish. people will do what they want, and you have to respect that they won't conform to your ideals of romance. it's giving a little and taking a little.

you are depressed, and you should get help if this continues. as you have noticed, none of us seem to be the help you need or seem to give you the advice that you require. that's why many of us shy away from your topics now -- We don't know how to answer. and I know that it is infuriating. I haven't talked to Betty, but maybe she's feeling the same as us that she doesn't know how to respond.

I'm sorry that this is a critical post, but I do feel bad that you are going through this. it isn't easy and it is frustrating and I understand that. I am just telling you what I know from my own experience.

[T1g 1503]

Yeah sorry about the lack of enthusiasm Saha, but I figure that if you are too busy for us to get caught up on anime, then you are busy to the point where I shouldn't be distracting you with 30 min conversations that are way too distracting. Coincidentally, I happen to be busy to the point where I shouldn't be getting distracted by this, as I got two midterms thursday and friday, where I am puppyED on the thursday one if I don't get the material down. I did just go to Office Hours and went over some of the material with a TA for 2.5 hours, but That isn't nearly enough to secure a high score on the test. So yeah you and me are really just super busy with school and we can do the Space Bros dance some other time. Also I could give you some basic study tips on irc but I don't actually know if some of my study methods work for anyone besides me. They certainly don't help me remember everything because I totally forgot most of calculus after the tests.

I seriously want you to get over here at U of I because if you do, the world will be OURS. Until then I have to make sure I don't flunk out of college and you should do the same. So even if I am not being particularly enthusiastic I am totally rooting for you.

In fact you think you don't matter but that's a load of shit. Check out the last newsletter I sent out to club. namely, this part:

I STILL consider you my best friend. Hell, if you didn't hang out with me, and then get me into anime (yes its because of you that I am so into anime), then not only would I not be Showing Director, I wouldn't have made all the amazing friends at college I made as a result. Its because of you that I have friends. So yes, you do puppying matter and I owe you more than you can possibly imagine.

[SilverAlchemic 355]

I know that this is a good chunk of the reason that you're mad, but I cannot give a clear, definite answer to you, or any advice, or even condolences. I haven't known you near as long as these people know you, and still I think you're a bloody puppying amazing guy. I want to give you help, but I can't, and for the first time in my whole life it's killing me to not be able to help someone.

Don't give up just yet. From what I can see, school is looking way up from what it was. Soon, you'll probably be over all of this, and everything will be great again. To share one of my favorite quotes:

An arrow must be pulled back before it travels the great distance it does. Whenever something or someone is pulling you down, just think of where you're headed, Mr. Arrow!

That's probably the corniest shit but it helped me out a fair bit when I was dealing with bullying last year. Running the risk of sounding like a scratched record: just keep going. Things will look up, I promise you.

Edited 1 Oct 2012 by Silver Moon (see edit history)

[True Gamer 19]

Enjoy the little victories and big victories you experience, such as that calculus grade you just brought up.

I agree with Cirt, with the part of seeking professional help if your depression continues or worsens. If only I pursued psychology like the rest of my university friends, I would be slightly more helpful, if at all. I'm only a university musician with some relationship experience. =<

[Sahaqiel 1232]

I'm really a rubber band kind of guy, kind of like with what Silver Moon said. I snap back pretty easily, but I'm also pretty easily stretched down. Most call that "sensitive". It's a good thing and a bad thing, and I acknowledge its pros and cons. I really love kaffles, but we both know she can be selfish and inconsiderate. I want us to be partners, not just incidents and complements to each other.

I thank you all for your encouragement and support and even putting up with me. I'll try never to dip that low again. I don't think I ever seriously worry that I'll ever kill myself, but when I consider it as a valid option, that's when I know everything is wrong. I'll quote stuff from a convo I had with Ammonsa last night.

<Meowqiel> im not selfish enough to kill myself anyway

If you've garnered anything from the thread, it should at least be that. But I'll give a bit of insight into exactly why I wouldn't kill myself.

<Meowqiel> my basic belief

<Meowqiel> the thing that is the driving force behind my driving forces

<Meowqiel> is that in essence, before i was born and after i die, i was and will be a pile of lifeless floating atoms

<Meowqiel> and molecules and other particles

<Meowqiel> i am so grateful for being alive as a human being i cant put it into words

<Meowqiel> that i have hands and a brain to move them with

<Meowqiel> no matter how bad i feel

<Meowqiel> i acknowledge this

<Meowqiel> why kill myself

<Meowqiel> this is like the universal super lottery

<Meowqiel> to be self aware and sentient and have a chance to do something cool

<Meowqiel> because in the end ill return to dust

<Meowqiel> as i was once before

<Meowqiel> i want to live life and do everything i want to

[...]

<Meowqiel> i call it a kind of healthy existentialism

<Meowqiel> that i know things dont inherently have worth or meaning

<Meowqiel> but that as part of the universe its my job to make it have worth and meaning

Even in my darkest times, I still think that it's worth something that I can even reach an emotional low. So why would I waste all this precious sentient time?

idk. I feel like I'm being too formal, but I really am happy that I have a 71.75. I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere, at the very least. Now I have to work on not messing up the test we have this weekend. In the meantime, gourmet comfort food.

Deep fried icecream. A classic.