then I was all sad 100%

[Teto 2609]

I continued ranting after this post in Post Yourself, but then cut it out because it wasn't relevant. And now I'm posting the extended life rant here. In the spoiler is just the part I wrote in Post Yourself.

 

http://www.hyrule.net/forum/topic/326-post-yourself/#entry401449

I remember back when I had long hair, I would either despise it, or like it. How I felt toward it changed with whether I was feeling good or bad, as you'd imagine. And really I guess being sad made me look sad, and so I couldn't like it because of those two reasons. And being happy made me look happy, and so I liked myself and how I looked. There were people who silently thought my hair was nice or suited me, and vocal people who didn't.

 

After a whole week alone without a mirror, I decided to cut off my hair. Partly in order to see my sister and mother be happy with my decision, and hear them say "that's great" and hear their smile in their voice on the phone. Partly so that I could cut myself from some impossible ideal I'd been aspiring towards, because I reasoned I'd never be good-looking enough to be the way I wished I was. Partly because my life was at such a dull standstill that I'd gotten bored of everything, and I wanted some drastic change to try and shake my life a little bit. Partly because I wanted to grow up and move on from being a silly, obnoxious little teenager, shaking around his mop of hair.

But those were excuses. The real ones were the feeling of wanting to see my mother and sister's reaction, and just because I was sad and wanted a change.

 

Since I hadn't been able to see my reflection, I stopped thinking about how I looked. Sometimes my appearance would be able to cheer me up; I looked silly and I loved the way I looked when I was happy. Now it's the case where I can be in a good mood, and looking at myself can ruin that. I feel bland, and like a mediocre version of everybody else who has short hair. At least I had that one thing I liked, and then I cut it away in the midst of a lonely depression, desperate for interesting activity and kind words.

 

So I know the importance of looking the way you want to look. If it can bring you joy when you look at yourself in the mirror, stick with it, whatever it is.

 

Additionally I've learned the importance of friendly company in general. I lost contact with all my old university friends from first year over the long summer, unable to keep well enough in contact with them. 

 

Once I got back to university I got living in a flat with my friend, who has mental problems that make her constantly angry (though almost never at me) and depressed, but also capable of having the rare day where she's actually happy, but it can be ruined very quickly. I'd lost casual contact with my university friends, only seeing them at university. So the only person I had to talk to was her, and all there ever was was her desperately trying to make conversation with me.

 

I didn't have much to say, and she always tries to have something to say. So mostly it was just her ranting about how she missed her bus, hurt her knee, got angry at noisy classmates, had a headache, etc. That and telling me everything about her day, not because she's a boring person but because she just wanted to fill in the silence and try and initiate a conversation. 

 

But ever since I met her and she told me all her problems, and about her past, as well as the fact that she has pretty extreme views on society and people, and overall giving the impression of a very delicate kind of person, I was never able to open up to her, or tell her my opinions, for fear of having to endure her side of the conversation, and then it starting to feel like a debate. So I got more quiet, talked less to her, and just let her talk all the time. I've grown to resent her presence the vast majority of the time, and I hate myself for that, and also I hate that I can't be a good enough friend for her. I can't be happy and open around her and give her someone who can do more than listen. 

 

Her brother, and my high school friend, contacted me one day to ask me to hang out with her more often, because she was incredibly lonely and suicidal lately, as she does from time to time. I couldn't though, and I still can't. I've learned that in order to be a stronger happier company for her, I'd need to actually be happier, and I can't get that from her. So I brought myself down by being bottled up, lonely, and self-depreciating in that I can't make her happy because I can't be around her, and the fact she tries so hard to have fun around me but can't because I despise her presence, and hate myself because she doesn't deserve it and it can only make her worse to know how I feel. And so I bottle up even more.

 

This was the only friend I had in real life besides Cascade (who I hope understands why I'm jealous of your social life, and doesn't resent me for it or resent me for bringing it up, since it might make it seem like I'm trying to guilt trip you, but I'm not.), and I don't see her very often. And since I started going to class less and less, I saw my friends less and less, and when I was there I would often be distant from them anyway, and always wanting to go off somewhere to be alone, where I could at least be free from other people, as when with other people I'd be constantly tense, suppressing everything and being unable to open up. I was never really all that open to my university friends anyway. I don't remember being very connected to them. In first year I had partying flatmates, and at least that was better, because they weren't people I cared about, and they still greeted me kindly, rather than a friend I felt obligated to help, but couldn't, and knew that the only way I could was to open up to her, but I worried that I would hurt her by doing so, and the fact that I can't open up to people in real life anyway. 

 

Cascade is the only friend I have in real life that I feel comfortable when talking to, and when I talk to her I think to myself "this is how friendship is meant to be". I don't think I could face letting people know who I am if I'd first known them in real life. I'm not even fully honest with my parents. I lie to them so they're not disappointed in me (they're not strict, I just can't stand to hear them tell me things I know I should do, but can't.) I had a counselor once. I kept things from her too, only letting her know what was convenient, or what she already knew. That was still more than I'd been able to tell to anyone else.

 

So now here I am, at my emotional worse. Not a hateful angry kind of bad though at least. Though I can feel anger rising up in me today and yesterday, so I've shifted back into being an emotional kind of depressed.

[LLmao ?✊? 1276]

I heard that it's important to surround yourself with happy people to contribute to your own happiness. And I personally dislike people who feel the need to fill silence with meaningless things, especially if it's whining or complaining.

Could you go see a counselor or something? Or do you go to any clubs or organizations? Are you about to go back to your hometown for summer?

[Teto 2609]

I heard that it's important to surround yourself with happy people to contribute to your own happiness. And I personally dislike people who feel the need to fill silence with meaningless things, especially if it's whining or complaining.

Could you go see a counselor or something? Or do you go to any clubs or organizations? Are you about to go back to your hometown for summer?

I can't stress enough that she has severe mental issues that she might never get better from, even after years and years of therapy. She does have petty complaints, but I've faced the fact that I can't understand why it can effect her so much. Borderline personality disorder, it is. I let her talk about it because it makes her feel better, and I like to at least give her that.

 

I did go to an anime club, but several weeks ago I stopped going. I got a bit fed up with anime and didn't really feel like watching any. I haven't gone since. After a while I stopped remembering about it at all. It's just faded out of my life, as well as the people I knew there. The only reason I'd go back was for the promise of good company, but I feel so closed off to it that I doubt it'd make me feel any better. I can be infuriatingly stubborn when I'm down or insecure.

 

Like once last year with some friends, who were going to a pub in an area I wasn't familiar with. I didn't know half the people, and knew that if I went in and sat down I wouldn't enjoy myself and just want to leave. But I didn't want to say to my friend that I wanted to leave, and then face the conversation, because I knew I would guilt myself into going anyway, and force myself into the situation despite the fact I was uncomfortable. So as they walked into the pub, I kept walking without saying goodbye, and darted across a gravel carpark, got straight on a conveniently timed bus, and went back home to lock myself away and start feeling better again.

And like I said, I did go to a counselor, but I only ever told her I had been feeling isolated, and she confirmed that I had been feeling depressed. With the diagnosis confirmed, I asked her to send an email to my student adviser at the university to validate my reasons for not handing in coursework or doing exams, and then I never talked to her again.

[LLmao ?✊? 1276]

It's nice that you try to help your roommate, but she's not really your problem. Help people when you can, but don't sacrifice your mental health for hers. Idk.

[Teto 2609]

It's nice that you try to help your roommate, but she's not really your problem. Help people when you can, but don't sacrifice your mental health for hers. Idk.

She has few friends, her family is kind of indifferent, apart from her sister and little brother. She probably doesn't know how much her little brother cares though; he's a bit like me and so is closed off. He probably didn't tell her that he was worried about her when she was feeling suicidal, for lack of knowing what to say, and instead asked me, as her roommate, to try and make her feel better on his and the sister's behalf. So it's more than the weight of my own concerns bearing down on me right now. I feel like I've had an obligation to try and be a good friend to her for more than just her sake, but for everyone else too. I feel like I'm failing more than just her.

 

It's not like I'm her lifeline though. I have felt like I needed to do these things, but I haven't. She's been hanging on barely by herself. I just know though that if I had it in me to be a better friend for her, she wouldn't need to try so hard on her own. I've not been sacrificing my mental health for hers. I'm losing mental health, and so is she. We're both trapped in a depressing environment that's draining the life from us. The only way to get rid of the depressing environment even a little would be for me to try and open up to her and be her friend. She's trying plenty to have a fun time, but it's me who can't put forth the effort. I've been locked here by my own private nature, and my worries over how I might hurt or offend her if I talked more freely.

 

It's not that I'm losing so she can gain. We're both being robbed of our happiness by a monster. But it needs our combined power to destroy it completely, and I'm curled up, waiting it out until the monster goes away.

 

Similarly: A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link.

I'm not looking for a solution here though, it's too late for solving the problem now. Summer's almost here and I'll finally be away from her and with my family by the end of this month. I faced my inadequacy in times where my action was needed, but instead I just hid and waited for it to end. Maybe next time I'll know better. I've learned a lot about myself, and have more ideas as to what I need to do to be a better person.

Worth mentioning too that I'm making it sound a lot worse than it is. I can still greet her with a smile and I feel happy regularly. I've just felt bad the past few days and I've let all this fester for a long while. It's more petty seeming now that I've aired it out. Puts it in perspective when I lay it out and compare it to how things really are.

Still valid feelings though. All of this is how I've felt, but just exaggerated. I've not felt like this all of the time, and it's not so big a deal as I suggest.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

Do you have any ambitions you could work towards? Something to progress in so that you can take your mind off life and accomplish something for yourself?

 

I hope you feel alright in my company, Teto.

[LLmao ?✊? 1276]

It's hard to reply to these things in a forum when I am using my phone. I can't quote well. So if you needed to talk on Skype or something, you can shoot me a email

[Teto 2609]

Do you have any ambitions you could work towards? Something to progress in so that you can take your mind off life and accomplish something for yourself?

 

I hope you feel alright in my company, Teto.

I don't have much, no. I only really have ambitions of self-improvement, but otherwise I don't have anything that particularly interests me. It's part of the reason I've decided to take a year out of college; to actually find something I want to pursue. It's a handy thing about having older siblings who've taken different routes to where they are now; I can judge my progress against theirs so I can decide whether or not I'm doing okay.

 

I'm too focused on self improvement though, without first finding out who I am and what my interests are. You can see why I relate to The Tatami Galaxy so much. I don't have any actual interests to drive myself or make myself interesting enough to hold a conversation. My only interest is introspection, and I'm too closed up to talk about that casually (because I take myself too seriously). 

 

And if we met irl we'd probably be bffs. But mostly I don't get a whole lot out of talking to people online than I used to.

 

It's hard to reply to these things in a forum when I am using my phone. I can't quote well. So if you needed to talk on Skype or something, you can shoot me a email

Ta. I'm mostly okay with it though and never really one for talking much. One on one personal talks are pretty difficult for me, I prefer venting at no one in particular.

[Cirt 612]

Hey, Teto. I'm sorry this has been going on. I read all of this and then suddenly thought about that tweet you sent me the other day and how I was really indifferent towards it and I felt bad. Knowing you, I don't think it meant much but I still feel guilty. Sorry about that.

 

I understand what you're feeling, and I think I even struggle with what you're talking about as well. My best attempt at a solution was finding a hobby, something to do that made me leave the house and not sit inside all day. I think that with your freedom at university/college, you have to really micromanage yourself and your leisure time. Limit a certain activity for only a few hours, or tell yourself you are going to do something at a certain time and actually do it. It's so easy to be by yourself, because you're on your own schedule and you are catering to only your interests. And I think it is difficult to find people who are on your wavelength, so it becomes exhausting to be a social person. 

 

It does take effort to break out of it though, and can do it. Having more than a couple friends -- really, people to talk to -- is a good start. Like you, I hardly kept in contact with my friends from my first year of college, so I either had to try to keep in contact or find new people. I haven't really had a ton of success so far, but it is getting better. College/university is a very limited time in your life that you'll have the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever (if you're responsible later in life, that is). So when I think that whatever I'm doing isn't something I will want to have memories for later in life, or that I didn't spend my time in a satisfying way, I try to find a way to change it so that I do. I'm not saying you have to do that, but for me, it motivates me to leave the comfort of solitude.

 

Those are my two cents, but it'll work out