Not a piss-take.

[LLmao ?✊? 1276]

How was it? Besides sad, I mean. Like how are you doing?

I don't want this thread to just like be forgotten or something but I don't know what to say in it.

[Teto 2609]

Yeah, it's not like there's a lot to be said on the matter. I'm doing alright, still upset about it and probably always will be, but pretty good. He wasn't a prominent enough figure in my day-to-day that he will leave a huge hole in my life now he's dead, but it'll still bring me down when I think about it. He lived a pretty good life, outgoing in his way; takes a certain kind of person to keep in touch with friends that he made from everywhere he's lived in his life, even when younger.

 

His mother was ridiculously strong though, seriously. Son suddenly dies when she's not there, just after getting through the detached teenage years where you don't really open up to your parents much at all, and she managed to give a whole speech at his funeral, keep her composure through that, a social gathering, and the service at the crematorium. Not sure how many people would be able to deal with that without breaking down.

 

I don't really mind so much if this thread sinks to the depths, forgotten. It was really just something to tell people what's happened.

 

And I've sussed out what it feels like trying not to cry, for anybody who hasn't felt that height of emotion. Walk outside in a storm with the rain lashing in your face and try to open your eyes all the way without blinking, as if it was a clear day. For me at least it's hard to keep my eyes open and to keep a straight face without instinctively wincing away from it. Feels a bit like that, and I feel like that's a pretty good every-day comparison.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

He was a really good guy, and it's great that his funeral had the music he'd like, despite the circumstances, but now I can't even talk to him about the music he'd like. I've always wanted to talk to him more, and maybe even to try and collaborate on something, since we had similar interests. Since he was so in and out, I figured he'd always just be there when the time was right. No matter your world view, I think it's somber and sad that a whole person can be gone, that that person's life and experiences are just deleted, and that you can only communicate with that image through what they've left behind. As human beings, we really should try not to live like everything's going to be the same tomorrow as it was today; that things change, for better or worse. We shouldn't take people for granted.

[Teto 2609]

I wrote this up elsewhere but it was basically a summation of a lot of what I've been thinking recently, mostly related to Padraig.

 

"As I was thinking after his funeral the other day, a life well-lived will always leave loose ends, and as frustrating as it is that he had so much going on and so much he was looking forward to. At least he left things behind when he was gone. You can only leave a hole in the hearts of people and the world if you get in there first. You probably already are there though, so don't worry about that too much. 

 

I reckon you're wasting your time if you don't do anything, and live a comfortable but sedated lifestyle. I've had too many glimpses into real happiness and satisfaction to believe my current way of life is the best that I can hope for. I have faith that what everybody preaches about life has truth in it, and that nobody is an exception to that hope for the future. Not at our ages at least.

 

Be the best that you can be, and if it's not immediately obvious how, then always be on the lookout for ways out of that hole. I'm still there, but I'm pretty sure I can get out if I just force confidence, by having faith in the ways in which a lot of people are all alike; that what you feel is felt by others, and people who have managed to get out and find some satisfaction with their lives, and that we're just in a mandatory stage of development.

 

Yes, we are all pretty insignificant. I recently noticed this song though, only an hour or so before I found out about my friend's death actually, and that's http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfWEPu0w-7w. Trying to use it as a motivational tool. I am pretty confident that this is applicable to plenty people who feel like their life is empty.

"Nowhere Man please listen, You don't know what you're missing, Nowhere Man, the world is at your command!" 

"Nowhere Man, don't worry, Take your time, don't hurry, Leave it all till somebody else lends you a hand!"

Second lyric feels like a sarcastic jab at the bad habit of not doing anything without the support of others, and not doing things for yourself. First lyric is like a reminder that the world is there, and all you need to do is reach out and touch it.

 

The unwillingness to start or act is sort of that sedation I mentioned. Like, how often have you thought you wanted to do something small and silly, like wear a lampshade. Something senseless like that. I think even the act of doing small things like this is pretty helpful toward getting yourself moving and doing what you feel like doing. You could just go and spin that remote control around like a spinning top, but why would you restrain yourself from that? From what I can tell, doing things like that will only serve to make you feel even more useless, and that the world is out of your reach.

It might sound totally ridiculous, but think about it; if you're not willing to do something like turn a table upside down and put Russian dolls on the upturned legs, then how will you ever plan a journey across the country?

 

I get that maybe that kind of extreme of nothingness probably isn't a problem for everybody. But I feel like it does link into independence, through the fact that you will make a decision to do something and you will follow the proper sequence of actions to make it happen. Even if that thing is stacking wine glasses. Things that make you feel a bit more in control of your life.

 

I guess the overall point is that living is good, and I really need to get off my ass and start doing it. Sitting at home on the computer, too neutral to act, is a rubbish way to spend the time.

 

There's no doubt that we would all be missed if we died. We are not special, but that also means we can have some faith that people feel the same about us as we do about them, and I find that comforting; to imagine people think about me as little as I think about them, and that allows me to be a bit more comfortable in my skin. Sure we're all pretty insignificant, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't have our say or be allowed to have fun. If you have low self worth, maybe it's worth working towards trying not to worry that you're not on everybody's mind as much as you'd like, or as relevant as you wish you were. 

 

I'm not quite there yet either, but that's my thinking for the mo'.

 

 

Also, further point. There weren't many pictures of my friend that people could find. Only odd ones here and there, scattered through different periods of his life. When a Facebook was thrown together in his honour, people collected as many as they could, and collected as many memories of him as they could.

 

I am not my squint eyes or the miserable face I see in the mirror. Look at anybody and see their face through your own eyes. You can see the flaws there too, and that image is just as unpleasant to look upon if you view it as you would your own face, unemotionally and detached. You don't have an outside impression of yourself, and so your face means nothing to yourself. It's just the skin on your skull really. But to other people, it's you. It's everything you are and were and hope to be, and your character glows from it. Like a city will mean nothing to you until you lean it's streets and people, a face is the same; there's another sense in there of recognition, and it brings back everything you know of the person - be it hate or love or good times.

 

Seeing a picture of someone reconnects you with them briefly, supplies you with the warmth of their company, and can make you feel like they're not really gone, for a moment. I know the truth of that now, and I think that pictures are good things to have. Sure, you don't need proof that you were somewhere to prove to yourself and others that you existed and that you were happy, but it doesn't matter. You're not proving anything, you're creating a portal to your soul and your memory, and that's priceless. I know that if I could, I'd record the whole life of my friend, and even the most mundane look into their life reconnects you with them, because that was them. There they are, as they were and as you remember. It means a lot.

 

It's pretty important for that reason that you try not to be fake or feigned. I know I'd cherish a picture of someone laughing grossly than a thoughtful pose you worked on for half an hour for your profile picture. Sure, use that one as a place marker, but don't discard the rest. Those are windows into your life, and each one you delete, you remove a bit of yourself from the world you'll eventually have to leave someday. Those pictures probably wont mean much to people who never knew you, that's true, but for the people who know you, they're priceless.

 

So aye, don't shy away from cameras if you can help it. Allow yourself to be seen, because no matter what you might think of yourself or your own features, your face is the window to everything everybody knows of you, and they see beyond it, even if you can't. Nothing brings people more comfort when you're gone than your memory, and anything that helps them remember you, and everything you were to them, is priceless and should be preserved."

 

He was a really good guy, and it's great that his funeral had the music he'd like, despite the circumstances, but now I can't even talk to him about the music he'd like. I've always wanted to talk to him more, and maybe even to try and collaborate on something, since we had similar interests. Since he was so in and out, I figured he'd always just be there when the time was right. No matter your world view, I think it's somber and sad that a whole person can be gone, that that person's life and experiences are just deleted, and that you can only communicate with that image through what they've left behind. As human beings, we really should try not to live like everything's going to be the same tomorrow as it was today; that things change, for better or worse. We shouldn't take people for granted.

 

Do you ever feel that when stuff like this happens, that everything you say feels a little fake because you realise you're repeating everything that's already been said by someone else thousands of times before in movies and music. But it's the only way you can say it, and you realise that you just never truly understood those things until now. It's easy to get what someone means when they say something, but you don't understand what it really is to understand something. That seems to be happening a lot, the more time passes.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

Lack of restraint is vital to moving forward, I think. Letting yourself do the silly things you imagine, to not let shame get in the way of progress, and grasping to independence as if you know what you're doing, knowing full well you have to keep learning more and more as you take in more responsibilities, and expose your own ignorance in order to defeat it. We're all fleeting, so we should do the best with what we have with our lives.

 

I think it's really surreal to think that in a thousand years, we'll all be ancient history, our records will probably be in tatters, no one will speak of us, remember us, or have our pictures stored on whatever devices they have. We're a tiny slice of history that will be completely forgotten. But that's all the more reason to make the biggest difference we can while we can.

[Teto 2609]

I like to wonder sometimes what views I have now that will be old fashioned in the future. What am I already wrong about?

[Cirt 612]

Teto I just read your whole post, and it was just very, very beautiful. I enjoyed reading it and it made me reflect.

 

I especially liked this little bit

 

I have faith that what everybody preaches about life has truth in it

and for a minute, I felt a bit of optimism that I haven't felt in a while. that no, we're really not all trying to be right at the same time and we're not trying to cut each other's throats all the time. I guess lately I've been in a very me-against-the-world feeling lately, and it was kind of refreshing and sunny to read that. 

 

I think you are coping as well as you possibly can and I think that writing these things and coming to these realizations are important for you. you'll come back to these later in your life, and you'll see that this is when you grew as a person. I liked all of that post really, and it was mostly for you but I felt like it was a message to us too.