5am: Epiphany Hour with Teto

[Teto 2609]

 

This kind of just came to me right now. That I am a lot of things, but none of them are attached to my physical being. I am not aware of how much people know about me, because I don't consciously give anything away. So when I look at myself in the mirror, what do I see? I see a guy who sits on his computer all day, because that's what this body does. It types into a computer all the thoughts and feelings of its' spirit. That spirit is me, and in a strange way, I exist in the words I write, and not the body I inhabit. As I type this I am aware of the blank expression on my face, and all the colour of my soul is etched into these symbols and spaces, but not my body. When I look at my face, I don't see all of these things - these words that I write. I don't see the person that I express in words and thoughts.

 

So my self is two things. My spirit, and my body. Confidence is the physical expression of the spirit, through the body. To allow all the colour of your soul to be printed on the surface of your skin for all to see, so that it becomes one. Infusing the essence of your soul into your physical form. If I was to go out and do the things I wanted to do, to say the things I wanted to say, to admit the things I feel I should admit, then I would be slowly writing down all the piece of my soul onto my body, associating the thoughts with the body that carries them. When they are one being, that is a wholeness of self. That unity is confidence.

 

This is totally airy and new-age-sounding stuff, but it feels correct. The reality of telling the truth and bringing about the change of self is still a big difficult deal, and it wont happen overnight, but a kind of understanding of what it is I need to do feels like a big help.

[Teto 2609]

What a load of 5am-value wank. I actually did still hold some of this to heart when I woke up this morning, but with less grandeur and enthusiasm, with some comic cynicism mixed in to preserve some humility. I joined the gym/swimming pool, looked into piano lessons, and asked around for work at 12 places. Previously, when looking for work, I would linger outside the shop I was going to ask in, too afraid to interact, and 9 times out of 10 I would walk away without even going inside, and if I did manage to ask, it would be flustered. But I managed to keep my cool through all 12 interactions, and I felt like a good ol' proper person, talking well enough and not seeming incredibly nervous. So whatever clicked last night lasted until today, and even if this confidence doesn't last for long I did good today.

 

I still kind of feel like there's a sort of strength in being able to band together your body and mind to serve a common purpose. Being able to take conscious thought and put it into action, instead of just thinking "maybe not" while your body lies flat on its' back, waiting for the committee of the mind to decide what it should make the body do. It sounds like a silly metaphor or idea, but it makes some sense.

 

Riding the confidence train feels like those magic moments in games where you hit a really good run and you're scoring tons of combos, and you wonder "How is this going on so long!", but when you get too confident in it, and you become aware of it, that can be when it falls flat. I hope it isn't the same case now, since I've just sat down after today, and all of that energy might just dissipate and not come back for days or weeks. But it's like, I feel like if I stop, I'll lose it all. But I'll try not to think so seriously about it and just enjoy it, and hope that it wont go away too soon, and I'll be able to continue doing the things I want to do. That the cooperation between my intentions and my actions wont end.

[Sayubie 405]

(I wish I has your courage from today)

[Sahaqiel 1232]

Good for you, Teto. Keep it up.

[Brodongo 272]

I just wanted to weight in with my thoughts o this because i like this perspective a lot. One point i want to draw is that i think is important to maintaining confidence: its important to evaluate yourself through the decisions that you make, rather then the outcome of those decisions.

The fact that you applied to ten jobs is an accomplishment in of itself. Thats an obstacle that you have already overcome, and the decision that your prospective employers will make about you has nothing to do with what has already been accomplished. We make the best decisions that we can, and then we live with them, and learn from our mistakes, which usually are not really a big deal anyway.

Ive started to adapt this form of thinking lately, and it really helps me take pride in the things i do, and motivates me to make difficult decisions because i know that i will respect myself more for doing so. Its just another way of being honest to yourself, which in turn will bring out confidence and help you to continue following through with actions that match your intentions.