The Mystery of the Unexplainable Package from Dekalb, Illinois

[Cascade 741]

So I was cleaning my room today and then, I found the letter Pheo sent me with the whale that I promised to scan and upload ages ago in my wardrobe, no idea how or why it ended up in there but oh well. pheo really wants me to actually upload the letter, and I don't have a scanner, so enjoy this painstakingly typed up version instead! it's probably not worth the five month wait and bumping of old dead threads!

 

(lines     indicate where something was furiously scribbled out)

 

Ben Christianson                     Dec 26th 2013

KING PHEO

 

Dear Cascade,                                 v DAMMIT

    So this letter is off to a great start. First I forget that I can't sit here and address you by your ACTUAL name because you hate that, so I have to address      myself as "King Pheo", and then my good pen goes dry, and apparently all my pens are dry so that's fantastic. Then it turns out my internet isn't working right now so I can't check if any local stores are stocking my favourite brand, so now I'm stuck writing to you     in a less than stellar quality. I'm sorry Cascade, but if I don't bring this letter up to code, I may not be able to send it to you. I can't have anyone thinking I would ever send them such a low quality production!!! I WON'T HAVE IT.                 Any ways, I suppose you're thinking "Wow! What the hell is this?! Why did I suddenly get this whale in the mail? WELL I'LL TELL YOU.

 

v I should have indented here

Remember two years ago when you called me on New Years Eve, and you were really drunk, and we talked for an hour and the bill was $90 USD? And you insisted on paying the bill yourself? WELL. SOME OF US WHO WERE A PARTY TO THAT DECISION DISAGREED WITH YOUR DECISION. SOME OF US FELT THE NEED TO REIMBURSE YOU REGARDLESS OF YOUR DECISION TO DO IT YOURSELF.

 

Oh hey look the internet is working again. Anyways, So I was thinking "My half of the bill is $45 right? So I need to find something worth $45 and send it to her!" LO AND BEHOLD, six months later I found this fluffy pink puppyer at an anime convention. Yes, it took me six months to find you something. No, it didn't occur to me to buy you something online in the UK and have that shipped to you. Yes, I realise I probably got ripped off being charged $35 for this pink whale. Yes, I probably could have bought you plenty more stuffed animals with this money instead of just one. But puppy you, do you want the whale or not?

 

Couple things about it: In two years, I have not been able to assign it a name or discern it's gender. Probably because I don't care enough to ask. That's your job. Another thing: I took it's snuggle virginity. After I bought it I didn't have a pillow for a few days so I used this thing. But you're not allowed to get angry! See, there's this thing called "droit du seigneur", aka "jus primae noctis", aka "I am King and I have the right to snuggle with whoever I want because I'm the father of the realm and what I say goes, I'm trying to protect and serve my people!!! How could I live with myself if I knew I was gifting one of my friends with a faulty snuggler?! No, it had to be done. And it turns out your new whale TOTALLY knows how to snuggle. Amazing snuggler. It was good for my head. 10/10 would snuggle again. Which I also did do the next night. I hope you understand the sacrifice I am making for you. Every part of me wants to keep this whale and snuggle with it all day erryday, but because I have a love for my people only a true king could have, I am making this sacrifice for you. Gosh, I'm so brave sacrificing this thing for you. It's okay though. You wouldn't understand. It's a king thing. Plus it turns out virginity is a ridiculous concept so who cares?!

 

Anyways, you are my friend and I thought you might like this so here it is. Enjoy it! I sure did.

 

SO, SO SINCERELY YOURS COMPLETELY,

King Pheonix561 (Ben Christianson)

 

One last thing I have to say about this whale: I've used it nearly every night as a second pillow for the past five months. She now has a noticeable dent on her head as a result. And still hasn't got a name! oh well, are you happy pheo the whole world can now read this silly letter lol

[pheonix561 2080]

I completely forgot what I wrote aside from the droit du seigneur bit. Fiiiiiinally jeez.

[Necropolis 763]

Oh man, I totally forgot about this too. The occasional mysterious package threads here are always cool.

[Knuckle 484]

Guys.

 

 

Look at the whale (wwhale?).

[pheonix561 2080]

THAT CHEATING SLUT

[Cassandra 623]

THAT CHEATING SLUT

You called?

[Cascade 741]

Seeing that other whale just makes me notice and feel even more bad about how flat and crushed my own Giggles Enoshima is because I've used her as a second pillow for a whole year now. Literally it's been a year since I posted this thread wtf. pheo im never going to send your present ever at this rate lol

[pheonix561 2080]

JUST. SEND. IT.

[なべ 184]

(While you're sending that, I have a UK address for you to send Catherine to)