My severe anxiety and depression

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Posted

Back in September while I was on my mission I developed what is known as Agoraphobia or anxiety caused by anxiety. The constant stress from the pressure, high expectations, the work load, and wanting to do my best caused anxiety that fueled a greater anxiety that started to cause panic attacks. After being sent home I started to get stressed from feeling like a failure and a few other things which started to fuel back into the greater anxiety. It has developed to a point where I am getting anxiety about getting anxiety from anxiety. It doesn't take much to trigger me into a panic attack these days and I often spend my time trying to break away from the anxiety. For the most part medicine has no effect on me and is used to knock me out when I am having an episode. 

Another part that is aiding this is very genetic chronic depression and low self esteem. I was born with Autism and often had a very hard time connecting with people growing up. This caused me to never develop social skills which is more evident now than ever. At this time it is very rough being in my position. The vast majority of my friends except for one have gone off on their missions or have gone away to college. As I deal with the loneliness I am left alone to deal with many issues in my own head. Recently I have started to go over all the trouble I have caused for others as well as myself and have a hard time accepting this. I feel I am more a burden and trouble than anything and despise that. I have started to question my own existence.

There is another side effect from the anxiety and panic attacks as well. First I am generally unable to sleep normally. I wake up every forty minutes from severe nightmares or for other reasons. Also since my body goes into essentially shock every time I have a panic attack there is starting to form some damage to brain tissue. I am slowly falling apart emotionally from this. I have started to deal with parts of myself I had tried to bury deep in me, including animosity towards myself to a point where I can at times contemplate what it would be like if I were to dissapear. When I feel like no one cares and that I am inconsequential it becomes easy to start to despise life. This past sunday I got so angry when I was belittled by my family I finally was able to vent my anger at myself and ended up using a shard of glass to cut up my face and arms. As twisted as it sounds as the blood flowed out of the cuts the stings forcibly reminded me that I am a living being and I have feelings. I'm still struggling to find out life, and this is where I'm pretty much at. 

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Posted

I'm glad you opened up about this, so that we can talk to you and maybe help you. I didn't know you had autism, and I haven't known many autistic people in person growing up, but I know there are people on this forum who have plenty of experience with it and will gladly offer your better words of encouragement on that front than I know to give.

Whats going on with your friends at college? Is it just that they're away and they don't have time to see you all the time? It may be that they still consider themselves your friend, but just can't be there all the time? Are you still capable of contacting them? Either way, I can understand how that would leave you feeling alone. Are there any social events or places where you can perhaps meet new friends?

Does your family understand that it frustrates you when you're belittled by them to the point that it drives you to self harm? I'm sure they understand that you will harm yourself now, but do they understand you did so because you were frustrated as a result of their actions? I think it would be good to sit and talk to them about that, why they would want to belittle you and why self harm was your method of venting. I don't know much about your family life(or your personally), so I'll admit as I write that I could be wrong, but I like to think they'd like to support you.

Your anxiety must be very hard on you. I had a friend visit me this past weekend who was planning to stay at my house for the duration of her spring break, but ended up leaving a few days early because she was having anxiety and panic attacks from being in a new area and around new people who she didn't know and wasn't familliar with. I know that's not the same as your case, but she knew what was causing her anxiety and new how she could solve that problem for herself. Medication was part of it, and she didn't have the meds she needed, so she resolved to see her psychiatrist and get herself some new, working medication. She also knew, however, that she was in a part of the world she'd never been to, or even been anywhere like, and surrounded by people she had never met, and it was a bit much for her to take in. She resolved to come back in a few months when she was on proper meds, now that she knew the area and was friends with everyone in my house. Also the weather would be warmer so that's something.

 

I mention all this because I think it could apply to you. My friend knew the cause of her anxiety, and so she knew how to handle it when it happened. You said your anxiety was caused by your anxiety. I think it's good that you know what causes it, because knowing is half the battle already behind you. You said your medication isn't working anymore. Does your psychiatrist, or whoever wrote your prescription, know much about your current issue with your medication? If not, I recommend you let him or her know so you can work out a new method together. I'm sure they'd be happy to help.

I'll admit there isn't too much more I can say, but I'd love to hear you talk about your problems some more. Feel free to post here if you want, or, send me a pm. I'm including a link to a website I found for helping people stopping themselves from self harming, in case you need it:

http://www.selfinjury.com/

I'm glad you opened up about this.

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Posted

So regarding the medication it's more of it's never worked for me at all and we're just trying different things right now seeing if we can get a reaction. They started me on many different medicines as a kid for autism and some ADD symptoms but I was completely immune. Unless it has the effect of putting me to sleep. My friends situation is frustrating just because most of them just stopped writing me altogether and I haven't heard from most of them in months. Keep in mind I only have about five or six total friends from high school I would talk to and was close with because of how shy I am. 

 

Right now I think I just need to start to vent, part of the problem is I learned from my father just to bottle up everything. Unlike him though I have physical symptoms that cause problems. I am still learning a lot about what's going on, so it's kind of just gathering ideas. A month ago we were still just thinking panic attacks were a reaction to just simple worry and clastrophobia. I wasn't diagnosed with agoraphobia until two weeks ago. Thanks for the support phoenix. 

pheonix561 likes this

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Posted

Oh gosh I remember when I first got put on antidepressants, they had me trying a weak dose one week then pushed me waaaaaay up to light tranquilizers. Turned my arms and legs to jelly for 8 hours, and thank goodness I never took one in the morning. :sadlink:

 

I found over time that the best cure is a good state of mind. I don't think you need to practice heavy meditation or anything, but what I do is work out every other morning of the week and sometimes just go places to completely clear my mind; no computers or phones with me or anything. And most of all, don't feel ashamed of doing what you need to do for your health and peace of mind. Me, Pheo, and the rest of Hyrule.net are rooting for you :D

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Posted

Absolutely! Finding a good reaction to medication is always a good thing to do, and knuckle makes a good point. The best approach to using medication is to use it not as something that you absolutely cannot live without, but rather something that helps calm you down and bring you into a state where you can assess your current situation. I'm sorry to hear your friends have outright stopped communicating with you though. Do you suppose you can find more anywhere?
 

I think venting is a wonderful idea. I had the same problem with my own father, actually. He has a habit of never talking about his problems with his children. I love him and all, but I know that it's very important to communicate with people and try to talk out your problems or seek advice on something. If you ever feel the need to vent here, we'll definitely listen.

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Posted

Anxiety about anxiety is the worst, I totally feel you there. Like, laying in bed, stressing completely the hell out over something, then stressing that your stress might be wrecking your body which will stress you out more, etc. It's really vicious. Like you absolutely can't do anything to calm yourself down. Like someone's stuffed you in a mailbox and you're so clamped in you can't even move, and it's crushing your lungs so you can't even call for help.

 

It's good to talk to people about things, yeah. Try not to force your problems on people though; make sure you are talking to the right people about these things. I know I'm not very patient sometimes, even when I know I'm being too unforgiving. I've been on both ends, pretty much. It's hard to find people who will be patient with your problems. But remember that friends are not counselors; there's a low chance that you'll be able to find someone who will consistently support you indefinitely who isn't professionally trained and personally motivated to do it.

 

Being part of a community like this is good for those kind of problems, but make sure you talk about them. You can use this thread, even, to update us on how you're feeling, if you ever need someone to talk to. Just remember that it's incredibly lucky that you're even alive. Making the best out of it, even if you feel like it's not great, is still an admirable thing.

 

Finding a place to lose yourself in is really good though. Isolated outdoors are great because there's no one there to judge you and you can make your problems feel small that way. But making your problems seem insignificant can come about in a lot of different ways. Like, I didn't know this would happen, but going into TwitchPlaysPokemon and having fun with a ton of people you don't know and trying to go towards a common goal made me feel like my problems were insignificant, like I was part of something greater. You can get a similar feeling by going to a sporting event, going dancing in a dark club, or a concert etc. etc. Getting lost in a crowd is pretty good for letting go of emotions like that.

 

Or find something you really like to do, try to create something, work towards bettering yourself. Create a problem you know you can defeat and work towards defeating it. It's what I've done for a long time now. It's not perfect, but it requires you to admit you have potential, and it drives you towards something you feel progresses you.

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Posted

These past few days have been better overall. There are still panic attacks at night, but I don't know really how to repress those. For the most part during the day I have been able to distract myself. I do still get anxiety at night though from seasonal light disorder. It has at least calmed down to where I don't want to hurt myself. Still working through a lot but thanks for the help guys. My mother decided to go on this new oil craze since she's convinced that oils can calm me down and keep things under control. I have a difuser going now. I don't know if it truly helps but it does help calm some of anxiety down on some level at least.

pheonix561 likes this

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Posted

How's your difuser/anxiety meds/family going? Is your mother still trying to treat you with oils? Any luck with the attacks themselves?

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So the difuser has been helping. Suprisingly the attacks have gone down to about two a week from five. I have spent the past few days staying at my grandparents helping them out since my grandma broke her hip and the change in environment has been helping greatly. I have managed to calm down the feelings to want to hurt myself, and the scars from my episode are for the most part healed. I still do get severely overwhelmed at night with fear though and if I don't quickly act and distract myself with something like Battlefield I will start to shake and end up being up all night unable to calm my mind.

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So the past four days I've started to peak in anxiety. I've had anxiety attacks all four nights, and have lost a ton of sleep. Currently the difuser and none of my medicine is calming it. I'm trying to vent it out to keep myself from overthinking things and going into another panic attack. 

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The past while I've been on and off with stuff. Overall it got better until this last week, when something hit. I don't know why, but I just really broke down and got hit hard enough with anxiety, depression, and rage at myself I had to be put into the psychiatric ward. I'm better now but geez... It's hard to describe really what's going on. 

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Posted

I think the worst thing you could do in that situation is ba angry at yourself for having these problems. You didn't choose to get depressed or in an emotional low like you do, and anyone else would do the same in your situation, so you have to look at it like a trial you can overcome rather than a sign of your weakness. Most importantly of course, try to stay positive and feel free to keep talking on here if that helps :)

pheonix561 likes this

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Thanks, it does help and you are right. I do need to try being more positive, and then not bottle things up so it explodes.

Knuckle and pheonix561 like this

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It's good that you have the resolve to try that, glad to hear you say it. :D

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