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Clud's life in nutshell

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Ever since I was a little kid I knew there was something different about me. I always seemed to perceive the world in a very different and unusual way compared to others. In preschool while other kids were playing tag, playing on the swings, or slide; I would climb underneath a bush and think about what would happen if there weren't enough boys to marry girls or vice versa.

In elementary school it became very hard. Other kids were very aware that I was different and often teased me for it and shunned me. For the first few years I would just take it in and sulk. After a time I started to get angry. Why was I picked on? Why was I different? I got so angry and would lose my temper on a dime. My parents didn't know how to deal with me. My dad's first instinct was to buy me a Nintendo 64 to keep me preoccupied. Video games helped a great deal. In video games I could do whatever and escape to a world of imagination. No one tormented me. 

When I was in fourth grade my parents decided to have me tested. I was diagnosed with high functioning autism. I hated that I was different, and felt very alone.

In middle school, it got somewhat better. I wouldn't get angry as easily, but I still had a lot of frustration at the world. People continued to pick on me until I hit my growth spurt and hit 6'5. After that only the adamant ones continued to tease me. It was around this point in time I realized that over the course of years my social skills and capabilities were diminished. I am a very shy person by nature and have a very hard time speaking my mind. I slowly started to realize I didn't really fit in with any social groups and ended up taking up the internet as a way to pass the time. On the internet there were lots of people talking about things I knew. Video games, anime.

High School. Sophomore year was a massive changing point for me. There was an incident halfway through the year that snapped me out of being highly autistic and realize the impact I have on people. I started to think about the people that I have hurt or been a burden on over the years and it destroyed me. To make that even harder; early in the year I knew someone that ended up comitting suicide. Deep down I wished that I would have been the one to do so instead of him. 

I started to view myself as human garbage. I began to judge myself much harsher than any person should judge anything. If I did something I felt harmed another person in any way, even if it just inconvienenced them I would beat myself up physically. 

I had a very hard time dealing with people. I am so shy and introverted that if I'm not used to someone, it's very hard to talk to them. As a result I only managed to make two real friends in highg school. A lot of the time though, they had their own lives and given my scope of not wanting to be a burden on others I just started to deal with my problems on my own. There was a few times I would try to strangle myself because I was so angry at how I had become.

After graduation I was scared and frustrated. I didn't know what to do in life. I have some form of Attention Deficite Disorder and have a very hard time with school. No matter where I applied, I couldn't get a job. Eventually I found employment at a subway and was there until I would go on a mission. The January after I graduated I was in a horrible car accident that totaled my car. While I physically not recieved any damage at all, something triggered. I lost control of my senses, the world felt like it was all closing in on me, and I started to hyperventilate and go into a great panic. I would shake violently, and couldn't even hear anyone's voice. This was my first severe panic attack. 

The panic attacks stopped after this one, so I just disregarded it as an extreme situation. Shortly after I was explained that because of my situation, I wasn't going to be allowed to have a normal LDS mission. I was going to be sent out to West Jordan, and would only serve 12 weeks overall.

My mission was an interesting experience. Deep down I was very frustrated that I had to go. I always thought two years was such a long time and it scared me. I felt very controlled and felt like I had no freedom at all during my mission. It was very hard for me to talk to people because of my social anxiety. The things I would normally do to calm myself I was unable to do. The stress piled on and on. One day something snapped and while on splits, my body forced another panic attack like it had with the car accident. We wrote it off and just an episode, but they kept coming. It got to a point I would have 4 or 5 severe panic attacks a day that could last anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours. After debate I was sent home after six weeks.

I fell into a great depression after my mission. I felt like a failure, and felt like I didn't really have much of a future at all beyond a mission to boot. I had no talents, and school was overwhelming to me. When I first got home I locked myself in my room for a few days and wouldn't leave.I even had people from both my homeward and my ysa ward tell me that I was a failure and wasn't worth anything. I managed to get myself onto the track of thought that my life had no meaning and that I was just a burden on my friends and family. Shortly after, I started to get so upset at myself I didn'tk now how to handle life. I broke a glass in a fit of rage and sliced up my arms. As the blood ran down my arms, it reminded me that I was alive and had a soul. The stress from my mission, as well as physical damage from the panic attacks gave me another gift. I became actually bipolar. In the down end of the spectrum it was often that I would find everything wrong with me and do great harm to myself. I still have several large scars on my arms, legs, and face from this.

This would eventually lead to March of this year. At the time, I was at the pinacle of stress. Work was eating me alive in stress from in office politics, some of my best friends had started to let me know how much of a freak I am and how they didn't want anything to do with me, and to top it all off I could see how much stress my parents were under at the time iwth my dad's health and I couldn't help but feel like a great burden. One night the pain got to a point that I didn't know what to do. I just wanted the pain to go away. I started originally by getting some max strength nyquil and just chugged until I thought I would go numb. I drank the entire bottle, but still felt empty. As a result I grabbed some motrin, and took the equivelent of 4000 mg. Yes, this was an attempt at suicide by overdose. 

I was hospitalized for a day as they stablized my condition, and then spent a week in a psychiatric ward. The psychiatric ward gave me a lot of time to think. It was either think, sleep, or be bored out of my skull. I would sleep about 17 hours a day, and then the rest of it I would just think about all the horrible things I had done. 

I dropped off the face of the earth to a degree after that. I stopped going to church altogether to avoid people. I would only go to work, and then go home and play video games. I didn't want anything more to do with the world. I reached the conclusion that the more hope you have, the more despair you will feel when that hope is shattered.

Recently I had to start going back into the world, forcing myself to even go to church because if I don't take action a friend will continue with a choice that can possibly ruin his life. Deep down I struggle though. I only really talk to two people outside of my family, and both of them will be going back to college soon. When I think about making friends, it honestly scares me and overwhelmes me. I try to make friends I can talk to, but often time I feel like I'm annoying them or that they don't care overall. 

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Posted

I've always thought you seemed like a good guy, although distant. I noticed you started being more open here though, and there's nothing about you I feel I would reject. 

What sort of people do you tend to make friends with? I know that, having sort of low to mid functioning aspegers, that I tend to get involved with friends I don't really like, just for a sense of belonging, and that becomes very stressful, as I constantly keep my emotions and actions in check to make myself feel acceptable. I don't think I really paid much attention as a child, or maybe I really don't have good long term memory. I have a brief outline of my childhood, but I can't remember how I felt at the time. Knowing my feelings has always been a problem for me, and it was only last year at age 20 that I understood the concept of boredom. I'm still getting to grips with how to deal with that one. My flatmate with her bigger personality is also indirectly teaching me how to stand up for myself a little. It's good to have friends who challenge but accept youyou, though it's hard to find friends at all.

I get the feeling from the way you describe them that the friends you have are more like people you get on with, rather than people who accept and try to understand you, while having your humour and interests common to them. It's hard to find those people though. I figure being open with people (without making them feel like they're carrying your baggage) would be the ideal. But being open is like stepping onto hot coals, and I don't know if there's a way to make people not feel burdened by your problems. 

I like that you opened up here. You always seemed like a member of the forum who never engaged with us much. I liked you, and your openness makes me like you more.

LLmao ?✊? and Michael like this

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Posted

I didn't know you are Mormon

 

You shouldn't be worried about annoying people. You're a cool guy

pheonix561 likes this

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Posted

You should try to go to college. Even just a community college. You meet a lot of people, and I think at least in the short term, a few more friends might help your situation the tiniest bit.

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Posted

@ Werewolf  Being open is actually even hard for me on the internet. For some reason I still feel awkward posting a bit. I just need to get more used to talking to everyone again. The people I tend to get along with the best are those who tend to have a similar sense of humor I do(very innapropriate) 

@LL Beans, thanks man.  

@necro. I'm working slowly into getting back into community college. I've been doing online college, and the transition is being a pain(getting credits to move over)

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Posted

Yeah, I can't be open in real life, and it took me a while to be comfortable talking openly online as well. I got there though.

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Posted

So in a recent update. 

Ever since high school when I get anxious or stressed out enough, I can get nauseous. My dad finally had enough of it and set up an endoscopy for me. While they were in there they found 10 ulcers at least 2 inches in length, a hiatal hernia, and a barret's esophagus. Apparently I don't handle stress well.

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Posted

Holy fucking shit, dude. Are they going to do surgery soon?

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