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Severe Crushing Loneliness

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Posted

Yes, I am a mostly cheerful person. Great fun at parties, you might even say. But lately, starting a few months ago, I, for the second time in my life, felt the need to get a girlfriend. I have never had a girlfriend in my life, you see, and about fifteen years' worth of loneliness hit me in the face with a hammer. I've been expending vast amounts of loneliness in my time, and I just sometimes feel as if I'm going to die lonely, because, for once, I actually have been trying to get a girlfriend. But I have been failing due to my horribleness.

Before anyone starts commenting, I'd like to say the following.

I have major flaws. Serious ones. For one, I do not get crushes. My mind has to be 100% for being with someone or it just does not work.

I am also a very shy and/or awkward person whenever confronted with the presence of someone I am attracted to.

I believe that I am below average in looks, and I'm sorry, but that's an obstacle all in itself in my area.

My logic points to people not liking me for this reason, which only degrades my morale. The logical strand goes a bit like this.

I have never had a girlfriend, and people either like or are OK with my personality. Therefore, I must either be hideous or scare people. Some of my friends gave their opinions and said I was either average, below average, or cute. And I highly doubt the latter.

http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/6209/sahaqielly3.png

I also have mild multiple personality disorder.

Another thing I would like to say is,

1- Do not even try to tell me that I should just ask someone I like out, and if she doesn't say yes, then life will go on. My heart always feels like it has an effing dent in it. If you tell me this, I will totally and completely ignore it.

2- Do not tell me it is easy, because it may be easy for you, but you're not me. It's nowhere near easy for me.

Let me tell you a long, horrendous, and possibly depressing story. I do not care if you call me "emo", because I have no problem with "emos", and if being a person with their own feelings bothers you, get out.

There was a dance a long time ago. I was entering the building when I saw one of my friends. I went over to say hello. Her dress was sparkly, so I felt the need to say it was awesome in my regular cheerfulness. Her friend that was with her commented and said that I liked her. Which I didn't. At the time. I went through the dance, and found out it was slightly different than the regular dances I went to in that there were fifty times more couples doing couplish things. Me being myself just wandered about the place looking for conversation, but eventually, I got a severe heaviness in my chest. I didn't even know what it was exactly, but now I know that it was loneliness prodding at my heart.

Two days later, I discovered that the girl whose friend said I liked her was a fascinatingly magnificent person. Her smile made me feel physically warmer, she was a person with an adorable disposition. I felt the heaviness again and realized I desired to have someone to embrace myself, no longer being satisfied with the world as it is when everyone but me was content to hold someone close to their hearts. So then began the sudden awkwardness near her.

Eventually, after washing dishes, I felt the need to throw all caution into a fiercely blowing wind, because nothing else but a tornado during a hurricane could throw my caution in this area away. I went onto MySpace, which I highly despise, but have gained a newfound respect for, and I sent her a message telling her how I feel. How much my mind must have been blurred from the mindless spray of dishwater and soap-smelling porcelain. But I did have second, third, and fiftieth thoughts. I had to give the WiiMote to my little brother to send the message. I panicked and I told her the last misfortune that befell me to make her try to understand I did it because of panicking about other things. Which I wasn't. I told her my mother threatened to send me to Australia because she was suicidal. Which she did, and she was. But it still masked the situation horribly. (By the way, she's not anymore, to my knowledge.) She rejected my feelings, saying I'm a nice, sweet guy and all, but no. (Consult following quote: http://bash.org/?414593 )

So three days passed, and she finally spoke to me. I was avoiding her, not vise versa. But still, it came as a shock. After a while, I happened to have some M&Ms on me. So I gave them to her inadvertently. Eventually, I slipped into the habit of giving her something daily. Sometimes I baked cookies for her, buying the dough with my lunch money, which caused me to eat only a single meal a day, most of the time. I gave up soda since she didn't drink it. I thought of her quite frequently, actually. If I tried to drink a carbonated beverage while thinking of her, and my time span for that made it impossible not to, I would feel nauseous. For almost two months, I gave her her favorite candies, home baked cookies or otherwise, and sometimes stores of my own precious sweets.

As a random fact, henceforth the day I was rejected, the internet has been BOMBARDING me with "Find out your crush" and "Who will you marry" ads. I can't turn around for very long without seeing one of-- GRAH. Another one. Great luck, there.

>__>

So eventually, my affections went noticed by basically everyone who knew the girl or conversed with her at least once henceforth. Her boyfriend, who is actually a friend of mine, and one of his friends. This friend found out and threatened to beat me up.

Before any of you say anything, this guy has three weak points, one of which is fairly obvious, the other two, his ears, which have some sort of disorder that makes them pain at any form of touch. He also said if the boyfriend wanted to join in, he would help him, and he's almost legally classified as a midget. I could have taken both of them, regularly pushing my physical limits to become better, but I am a nonviolent person. I stopped and my affection eventually became less and less. I'm 96% over her.

However, I have my eye on someone else whose company I enjoy, but that is also seemingly pointless. I feel like I'm going to die lonely.

Just wanted to vent myself off a bit. I feel like some kind of dense mercury cloud has formed over my thoughts and caked my heart.

Sahaqiel

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Posted

Read my PM.

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Posted

Wait...I'm gettign e - mail's like that to from MY GF....

Oh no....that doesn't mean she dumped me, did it.....

Oh, what did I do....

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Posted

I'll be truthful, i didn't read the whole thing. it was like a fan-fiction without the fiction part. Or the fan part, because you obviously not a fan of what's going on in your life right now. But i do have advise for you:

It's NOT easy. people who say it is aren't happy. Whatch something that makes you laugh. Continue with the cookie tactic, that'll soften em up (lol) if what you say is true, then go to as many parties as possible, and if yer lucky, people won't be sober enough to really see your face, so make sure you keep at those. Do something with your hair, get some hairspay or something. people don't like boring hair. it's boring. And lastly, get a darth vader helmet and wear it to school. this is the key in any attention getter. I know you aren't trying to get attention, your trying to get a girlfriend (pretty much the same thing) but getting popularity is the first step to becoming popular (last time checked it was the only step) and then, once you're popular, you'll have more room to move yer elbows. I could go on for a while like you, but to spare you the trouble, i won't.

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Posted

Popularity has nothing to do with getting a girlfriend. >_>

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Posted

In fact, it proably RUINS your chances. Of course, bieng... me.... i wouldn't know.

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Posted

Why does everybdy want a girlfriend these days? They're so overrated.

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Posted

Why does everybdy want a girlfriend these days? They're so overrated.

i must agree there

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Posted

First things first. You are not a bad person. You don't look bad. You need to raise your self esteem. You are one of the coolest people I have ever met. I agree it's tough. (I haven't had a girl friend either) Just take it one step at a time. Look at yourself in the mirror, and instead of thinking of all the bad traits (most of which are non-existant) and focus on the good things. You're funny, a good cook (or so I've heard), you've got friends, etc. Trust me, this will help. Every day, just do one more thing to try to improve. You'll just grow better and better. Don't let mishaps bring you down. One of my favorite quotes will aplly in this situation. "Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." You need to learn to pick yourslef up.

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Posted

Popularity has nothing to do with getting a girlfriend. >_>

ya, well most of that paragraph was a sick joke to see if he'd do any of it.

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Posted

i must agree there

depends what you mean by girlfriend, having one for the hell of it, then yes I would agree with you. But having one for the reason people should be together, then no, they're not overrated at all, it's just most people seem to want them for the other reason...

Now I'm here I just want to say a couple of other things, I'm also half talking from experience as I've never had a girlfriend either and I kinda go into phases of thinking I should have one. At the moment, I'm in the more unusual feeling of not being too bothered, I'm not really sure why, maybe I just think I'll find someone at some point.

I also have mild multiple personality disorder

some chicks like that, I mean as long as it's not nice and then psycho chainsaw murderer, actually, some chicks might like that too...

it's also NOT easy to find someone you really want to be with, when people say it's easy to get a girlfriend, sure, maybe you can, but are you then happy with them? continually? come back to me in about a year...

Seeing lots of couples together can make me end up feeling depressed sometimes as well. I've found various ways to ignore it though, although, sadly, I can't think of any right now

I felt the heaviness again and realized I desired to have someone to embrace myself

and I get that too, it's just the longiness of wanting to be with someone.

Also, a note for future reference, however much courage it takes, don't say how much you like someone etc. for the first time on any form of internet. You really need to be in person, to see them, I know it's much harder to pluck up the courage to do it in person, but if you do it online, it won't feel heartfelt enough and you'll feel worse about it later.

I also feel if someone threatens to beat you up for liking their girlfriend, they're likely to feel particularly insecure, it should always be down to the girl to decide which they'd rather go out with. Of course, this doesn't help if you do eventually get beaten up, but I geuss it's the principle that counts, the girl would be far more likely to care about you than her "boyfriend" if he was to beat you up over her, think about it.

Small/only example i can give is the girl I almost went out with ended up with going out with another guy in my school (less obvious than you'd think because I was in an all-boys school and she was in one of the girl's schools in the city). As much as I liked her, I conceded because she wanted to go out with the other guy. Also, some people on my bus started rumours that I wanted to beat him up, I ended up going to him to say hi and said that I was happy at least she was with someone that she really liked.(please don't get confused by the large amount of pronouns)

I said iall this here as opposed to PM because I think some other people could benefit from this as well, of course if you have any other questions, feel free to PM me.

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Posted

Girlfriends don't really resolve as much as you would think. Its happiness for sure, but there are so many other sour things mixed in. Jealousy, anxiousness, you never feel quite deserving. The whole ordeal is quite hectic. Though I suppose that its only human nature to want to love and be loved in return. Its just hard. Very, very hard. Agonizing even.

Eventually, I'm sure you'll find someone. Your an awesome guy. You'll find someone who you'll love more than anything, and who'll feel the same way about you. Just watch out for lust. Thats no good. If you love someone, you'll go at their pace, not yours.

I'm not really sure about how helpful I can be. Just keep in mind that you've still got the rest of your life, my friend. Your only 15, there will be plenty of time for girls the entire rest of your life. And don't feel lonely, we all love you.

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