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Bloodpath-Life of a sage.

25 posts in this topic

Posted

If you guys would read through the first few chapters you would find action in the story. And a lot of it.

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Posted

DISCLAIMER.

I RATE YOUR FAN FICTION ON THE BASIS OF CERTAIN THINGS, WHICH ARE, BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO, REGULAR GRAMMAR STRUCTURE, PLOT STRUCTURE, AND LOGICAL STRUCTURE. THIS IS IN NO WAY AN INSULT TO YOUR SKILLS AS A WRITER, BUT A THOUGHTFUL PROCEEDING I WILL USE TO TRY TO HELP YOU GET BETTER AT WRITING IN THE NEAR FUTURE. CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY YOU HAVE PEOPLE LIKE ME TO CORRECT ANY MISTAKES OR INCONSISTENCIES, AND THAT I TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE SUCH A REVIEW. I DO NOT INTEND TO BE HARSH OR MEAN, AND WILL ONLY STATE OPINION AND FACT HONESTLY TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY. PLEASE REALIZE THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE MY REVIEWING TO HEART, AND THUS, YOU CAN EASILY JUST IGNORE IT OR NOT READ IT. BY READING A SINGLE WORD IN THIS YOU AGREE TO NOT GET ANGRY AT ME AND GO AROUND RATING MY POPULAR FICS LOW LIKE SOME PEOPLE.

"Soloris, I charge you to open the gate to the other realm, I must find Midna. And fetch my protective charms, yould you?"

"Yes master", As a phantom's head appears in front of the wolf. The head lets loose a bloodcurddling scream, and a portal opens ans the head vanishes as fast as it appeared. The wolf proceeds to get the charms, and brings them to Artemis.

Atremis enters the portal. He squezzes his charms, as he finds himself in a world that looks like the inside of some Black Hole. Only slightly more colorful. And with a lot of spirits everywhere. He proceeds to walk to a second portal. He finds himself in a realm of light, as he puts his sungalsses on. He searches, only to find a polished wooden box labeled "Records"

He opens it, and finds Midna's death has not been recorded, meaning she is possibly still alive. He sighs, knowing it is easier to bring a spirit back to life than it is to cure a curse. He exits this realm, and returns to Earth. He takes the Chaotic blade, and smashes it, hoping that will help.

He then goes to the drawers, and finds his black charm. He enters the pentacle, drops the charm into the bowl of herbs, and summons, to his surprise, Midna. Sort of. Her essence is in shambles. Her body appears as if it is made of slime. There are holes in her magic. He has a servant summon some imps, and he feeds them to her, hoping the nourishment will help repair her essence.

"charms, yould you?" would

"loose a bloodcurddling" bloodcurdling

"opens ans the head" as

"He squezzes his charms" squeezes

"Black Hole." black hole

"his sungalsses on." sunglasses

You know what to do.

"other realm, I must find Midna."

The comma should be a semicolon.

"'Yes master',"

There needs to be punctuation within your quoted text. It's a sentence, even if it's in quotes. Also, you should put a comma in between "Yes" and "master", since he only says "master" to identify that it is the master he/she is speaking to.

"As a phantom's head appears in front of the wolf."

"As" does not need capitalization. Also, it would be more interesting if you could describe what the head looked like. The power of description is a great one. Was it a frightening phantom head? Did it just look like a normal phantom head? Did it look like a beheaded Falbi?

"The wolf proceeds to get the charms,"

You're too confusing. Where did he get the charms? It doesn't even say he moved forward, or into the portal or whatever. It's like he just somehow got them for some reason.

"Only slightly more colorful. And with a lot of spirits everywhere."

That could and should be one sentence. Replace the period with a comma and decapitalize "And".

"He proceeds to walk to a second portal. He finds himself in a realm of light, as he puts his sungalsses on. He searches, only to find a polished wooden box labeled 'Records'"

You. Need. Punctuation.

Also, when it says that he found himself in a realm a light AS he puts his sunglasses, it implies he started putting the sunglasses on before he went into the portal. So it implies he expected it, but it looks like it implies otherwise, since he "finds" himself in a world of light.

And please, please be more descriptive. Polished wooden box? When I saw "world of light", I imagined a bright field or something. Everyone could have imagined it differently, so explain what kind of setting he's in. A building? A forest? What? What kind of place do you find that has a polished wooden box?

"He takes the Chaotic blade, and smashes it, hoping that will help."

What...? You've literally lost me. I just tilted my head in confusion like a puppy or a cat. That's how confused I am.

Why would this help? Are you trying to set mystery? It doesn't seem so.

Your story seems so rushed. There's no introduction to the characters, we have no general idea of what everything looks like, (Setting, characters, objects) and for some reason, this crazy guy is breaking into people's houses, which, apparently, conveniently have unheard-of ancient artifacts that wield terrible destructive power, and erasing them magically. And apparently, this person was familiar with him. She asked him what's wrong. This type of sentiment is normally a sign of caring, but instead of regarding this, the man stabs her with something that erases her. And somehow, we're supposed to know how.

Please, though, correct "incarnation". It reminds me of carnations(flowers), and incarnations of my boredom.(Everything I do)

Explain what you mean by pentacle. I asked if you meant the star-inside-the-circle shape. You once described the wolf's appearance as "on the opposite pentacle". So there's more pentacles, or did you mean to say, "opposite side of the pentacle"?

You're very confusing.

I don't care if there's action if I can't imagine what's going on.

Sahaqiel

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Posted

I am not a grammer expert, but I try my best to keep correct grammer in my story. I am asking you politely:Please stop complaining about every little mistake I make when I am writing.

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Posted

But I'm politely telling you about every little mistake in your writing to prevent them from happening again. A little mistake can be a big downfall.

By the way, it's grammar.

And most of your problem isn't even grammar. It's description. Everything's rushed and confused.

Even in some of the lesser quality works, I at least know what's going on without question. I would be more interested if you cleared up the situations in your story and maybe described some things to me. If I were a person who were just blinded, then what would you tell me if you tried to describe a beautiful or awe-inspiring sight? That's what you need to think about.

If I were blind and you told me this story, I would think that you're very bad at being precise.

You also missed what I said in my second disclaimer.

"PLEASE REALIZE THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE MY REVIEWING TO HEART, AND THUS, YOU CAN EASILY JUST IGNORE IT OR NOT READ IT. "

I didn't rate your fiction for a reason, by the way. I thought the story looked a bit promising, if you would polish it a bit. Jeez.

Sahaqiel

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Posted

New poll added

Should I write another, or do some art....

Once again, can a mod change the title to say it is very long (And delete all the rest of it)

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Posted

But... It's not very long, by most fan fiction societies' standards...

And don't double post; if you need mod help, PM one.

Sahaqiel

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Posted (edited)

This was very well written! I liked it, great job DA. =)

Edited by Saria_Kokiri (see edit history)

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Posted

It's O.k I guess.

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Posted

Ok. I did this once, but stopped. If you are going to make seperate threads for each of your chapters, go away!

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