Help Wanted

[Goron Merchant 1]

"Very impressive." -Sahaqiel

"This scared the living sh*t outta me." -Cat Girl

"Okay, THAT was G-R-E-A-T! " -Saria Kokiri

"Five stahs. Er, five Trahfohces." -Ganondorf333

"Like... a foot high." -The Joker/Ryu

"I love this to no end." -Oh Noes

-----

So, a few months ago I decided to write a story just for the hell of it. I edited it first myself, then I had four of my friends edit it too and this is how it turned out. . . .

My short story is nearly 5000 words and its not video game related at all, but I thought that I'd submit it nonetheless. Its a long read, so I'll understand if you don't get through it, but I would really appreciate any comments. Even if they're just on the first few paragraphs.

-!- This is my shot at a horror story. So yeah. ' Might mess with you if your not into that sort of thing. I'm sorry Cat Girl for not adding this warning sooner. We coo, right? -!-

Oh, and please don't steal my story. Consider this a copyright.

Without further ado, enjoy!

Ahem-

Help Wanted

Raleigh J. Burleigh.

The

[Sahaqiel 1232]

Oh, rofl.

4 Members: Doubleagent, Sahaqiel, Goron Merchant, Cat Girl

Debuting peoplez get moar views?? =(

Or do people not like my long stories.

No, because my stories are longer. >(

I'll review this in a bit, I have to tend to something.

Sahaqiel

[Goron Merchant 1]

Dude, Saha, your fanfics have more replies and views than any others in the section.

I don't think you have any competition. Except maybe Vivi and her love stories.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

Yuh-huh. I have like two viewers.

BUT I HAVE GAMEBATTLES TO TEND TO.

So I shall return.

Sahaqiel

[Cat Girl 0]

Dang, GM. I... actually liked that. I don't know where you got the idea for it, but... it was really well written. I'll probably have nightmares, buuuuuuut yeah... D**n, I'd hate that job...

[Goron Merchant 1]

Lol. Thanks Cat Girl. That's pretty much the response that I'm used to. 'Good, but really messed up.'

I'm glad you like it though.

Oh, and its supposed to be a horror story. Maybe I should add that into the description.

[Cat Girl 0]

You should've. Let me be completely straight with you: This scared the living sh*t outta me. I had the need to be held after reading it. I WAS SCARED.

[Goron Merchant 1]

Oh. I'm sorry Cat Girl.

I'll add it in the description right away.

(Sorry!)

[Cat Girl 0]

It's ok, lol. I hugged Shada... And some on my friends on DA virtually hugged me, lol. I'm just gonna stay away from horror for a while...

[Goron Merchant 1]

I'll virtual hug you too.

*Hug.*

[Sahaqiel 1232]

Very impressive. You set a great atmosphere. The only things I can really think of criticizing are little errors here and there. For instance, thoughts are normally italicized to prevent confusion between description, speech, and the thought itself. Another thing is that the person on the phone chuckled like this, "-chuckle-". I don't think that's allowed?? Try putting ", she chuckled, " or something similar. (I'm still reading through so I'll check if it was female later.) Also, when Edward was reading the rules, you didn't take the size tags off when Edward started doing something instead of reading the rules. This makes it seem like what Edward was doing was part of the rules.

"There were no calls. At one point, Ed flipped through his bosses schedule."

Bosses isn't possessive, rofl. Boss'*

"He had a sloppy beard of dirt coating his entire face, his shirt was unbuttoned here and there and he was thin. Very thin."

You may want to put a comma after "there" and before "and he was thin". Too many ands. It's confuzzling.

Oh, rofl, Vivian. *Looks for Vivi*

Hmmm... Wonder what kind of advertisements reach these people? O_o

I would have liked a bit more explaining for the man at the end, but that's alright.

You did get a good atmosphere going, like with the lights overhead and other such things. You didn't really seem to get one going with the boss' room, though. That kind of disappointed me. But it's an interesting piece and I thank you for taking the time to make it. It seems to fit one of my mottos. "Face fear in all forms". Even though he failed in the end. =(

Good job, this will be rated well.

Sahaqiel

[Cat Girl 0]

-!- This is my shot at a horror story. So yeah. ' Might mess with you if your not into that sort of thing. I'm sorry Cat Girl for not adding this warning sooner. We coo, right? -!-

Yeah, we coo. Thanks for the hug. *hug* I should send this to my friend. She LOVES horror...

Well written, nonetheless.

[Goron Merchant 1]

Very impressive. You set a great atmosphere. The only things I can really think of criticizing are little errors here and there. For instance, thoughts are normally italicized to prevent confusion between description, speech, and the thought itself. Another thing is that the person on the phone chuckled like this, "-chuckle-". I don't think that's allowed?? Try putting ", she chuckled, " or something similar. (I'm still reading through so I'll check if it was female later.) Also, when Edward was reading the rules, you didn't take the size tags off when Edward started doing something instead of reading the rules. This makes it seem like what Edward was doing was part of the rules.

"There were no calls. At one point, Ed flipped through his bosses schedule."

Bosses isn't possessive, rofl. Boss'*

"He had a sloppy beard of dirt coating his entire face, his shirt was unbuttoned here and there and he was thin. Very thin."

You may want to put a comma after "there" and before "and he was thin". Too many ands. It's confuzzling.

Oh, rofl, Vivian. *Looks for Vivi*

Hmmm... Wonder what kind of advertisements reach these people? O_o

I would have liked a bit more explaining for the man at the end, but that's alright.

You did get a good atmosphere going, like with the lights overhead and other such things. You didn't really seem to get one going with the boss' room, though. That kind of disappointed me. But it's an interesting piece and I thank you for taking the time to make it. It seems to fit one of my mottos. "Face fear in all forms". Even though he failed in the end. =(

Good job, this will be rated well.

Sahaqiel

Right. Lol. I'll try to find where your edits are and fix them. His thoughts were in italics in my Microsoft Word version, I overlooked that when I transferred it. I'll try to find all of those too.

And thank you very much, Sahaqiel. That means a lot coming from you.

I guess that I was more focused on the scenario than the scenery in the end. Maybe I'll do one last edit and add some more details n' stuff.

--EDIT--

Alright. I think that I got all of your edits and the italics. I added a tiny bit more description of the room here and then throughout the last scene too. Thanks again Saha.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

"A loud grotesque laugh emitted from his bosses lungs."

Rofl. Bosses again.

"'my grand escape.'"

Forgot capitalization.

It's alright, though.

*Virtual hugs*

Etc. etc.

Sahaqiel

[Eka 387]

Finally got to read this! (Sorry, was meaning to but I was working on videos for several days.)

Okay, THAT was G-R-E-A-T! The description of Ed's Boss made me cringe (ugh, obesity beyond belief. Thats just nasty) but the ending was just so unexpected!

Cannabalism in some sort of "quiet" office job. I like it.

Really, it was very well written and I loved the idea! It makes me want to write a fan fiction (take a break from my Zelda fic and just... write.)

*virtual hugs*