Envy Elric

[Naruto1253 0]

I just wanted to type this story for any what reason. Please comment, it would mean a lot. It has nothing to do with Link, but it does have powers of some sort. My story is about a little girl, about 11 years old, and lives alone in a spot in a corner of a building. The little girl's name is Envy, her last name, Elric. One dull day in the city, she is caught with a mugger. A Military General happened to be nearby. What happens to the mugger is found out in the story. But after that moment, Envy will become the most prized possesion in the military.....

Please enjoy!!!!

Chapter 1

"Catch that kid!" yelled a shopkeeper in Central City. An 11 year old girl rushed through people as fast as she could. She was carrying a bottle the size of a light bulb filled with pieces of gold. She pushed and shoved just to get away. Her ratted out clothes were being washed away in the wind. She started to hear whistles. She knew that meant the police. She gripped the bottle tighter. All of a sudden, a foot fell right in front of hers. She tripped and dropped the gold. The bottle had crashed into a million pieces. The gold scattered around the area. "Oh no!" She yelled, trying to reach for the pieces. She was about an inch away when, "There she is!!" the shopkeeper yelled pointing at her accusing eye. She decided to forget the gold and run. She pulled herself up. Suddenly, she felt flesh against her arm. A cop had caught her. "What's your name, Missy?" he said, with his mustache moving at the same paste as his mouth. She frowned. "Envy Elric!!" she yelled and an electric shock hit the polices hand. "Owww!!" he yelled and lets go of her arm. For the time that she had, she took a run for it. "Bye!!" she yelled, waving her hand, smiling. She dissappeared infront of the crowd. Other policemen run to the cop with the mustache. "What happened?! Did you find her?!" one asked. "Yeah." he said, holding his own hand. "Then dammit, where is she?!" another yelled. He didn't anwser, all he was doing was staring at where he was shocked. "He's useless!!!" one more said, walking away. "I need a vacation." said the cop with the mustache. She began to make her way along the bustling streets of the city, still attempting to catch her breath after the intense previous chase. She put her hands in her dirty pocket. She pulled out three bronze coins. She looked at the design. It was covered with swirls. And in the middle, it had one big head. She put them back in her pocket. She looked up into the morning sky. Clouds were drifting from one point to the other.

She starts to walk through the city, looking at all the rich people. She stared at there clothing, white pearls, hats, scarves, and furs. Although she hated the fact that people killed animals for fashion. She saw children with their parents. Envy thought if she ever had parents, and if they ever loved her. She started to shed a tear, but she wanted to be tougher if she had to live on her own. She wiped the tear away and kept walking. She wanted to find her real parents. She wanted to find memory's of her and them, but she never could. She had no clue, nor did she know what they looked like. "I must find them! And I will find them!!" she thought. Envy was determined. She was going to find her parents!!!

That's the end for now!! I'll right more only if you comment if it was good or not. Thanks for putting all your effort into reading this story!!!

BYE FOR NOW!!!!!!

Edited 6 Aug 2008 by Naruto1253 (see edit history)

[Eka 387]

It was a pretty good start, although I'd fix the grammatical errors, add a bit more detail and turn it into paragraph format, especially when people are talking/yelling.

Also, you seem to be jumping from past tense to present tense randomly. You don't have to say stuff like, "She rushed through the crowd" and then "She starts to walk through the city." You can just stick with, "She began to make her way along the bustling streets of the city, still attempting to catch her breath after the intense previous chase" or something.

You also might want to input descriptive detail of the characters. We have a picture of a policeman (sort of) but all we know about Envy is that she is 11 years old. (Unless you're saying she looks like the character Envy from Full Metal Alchemist, but for those who read this and don't know who Envy is, you might as well add detail.)

Just a few suggestions.

Otherwise, I liked it. I like the idea of a power she has.

Oh, and by the way, will there be an Ed character appearing at all in this fan fiction? I assume you got the name from the anime Full Metal Alchemist, so I just wondered.

Edited 6 Aug 2008 by Saria_Kokiri (see edit history)

[Naruto1253 0]

Chapter 2

It was night time, and everyone with homes were asleep. For homeless people, night is the time to come out. And no, they're not vampires. Envy just stood, leaning against a wall. "Envy!! It's nice to see you again!" said one of the homeless men. "Oh, hi Al. It's been a while, hasn't it?" she said, with a faint smile. He smiled back. "Heh. You can't smile when I'm around." a voice said out of nowhere. Envy's eye's were afraid. A gun was put back behind Al's head. "Move and I'll kill him." The man said. He was covered in black and a mask was on his face. Envy looked at Al. His face was almost painted with fear. "What ar-are you do-doing?" Envy asked reaching out her hand about an inch away from her body. "I'm going to kill you and him. That's what I'm doing!!" The masked man said with a laugh. "Why?!" Envy yelled. "Because I can!!" he said. Envy's eye's shrank with fear. "Envy! It's o.k. I lived a pointless life anyway. I only want you safe." he said, shedding a tear. Envy started to cry. "Well, if you say so." said the man, pulling back the trigger. A huge gun shot noise traveled throughout the city. Al fell to his knee's and onto his stomach. Blood was everywhere. "Now, it's your turn!!" the man said, pointing the gun at Envy. "Al... you killed Al..." Envy said, having her head faced to the ground. Tears dripped off her face and onto the gravel. "Wha-what did h-he ever do to yo-you?" Envy asked, making her hands into fists. "Nothing!!!" The man said, and fired a bullet straight at her head. The bullet traveled at an incredible speed. She brung her head up. She was covered in tears. Envy was angry. The bullet hit her straight in the forehead. The masked man sneered. The man noticed something. "The girl!!! Why i-is she sta-standing?!" he thought, afraid. All of a sudden, the bullet fell to the ground. "He di-did noth-nothing to you!!" She yelled. Then there were huge gusts of wind. The masked man was trying to stand his ground against the wind. "What is this!!?" he yelled, and fell down. Envy stuck her hand out to an area of ground. Suddenly, the ground shook and a big hole was created. She bent over and picked up Al's body, and stuck him in her grave that she had made. "I'm going to kill you!!!" She yelled, jumping up into the air. "Hah!!!!" she made her hand into a fist and flew down and punched him in the face. He slid across into a building. There was a loud crash noise. The building fell down so close to the man, but missed.

Meanwhile, a Military General was out on an evening walk and just happened he heard the loud noise. He ran to the scene. He looked at the fallen building. He saw a man in a mask who was lying unconcious on the ground. He saw a strange girl. And a dead man on the floor. "Who did this to this man?!" he yelled. "I'm General Mustang!! Anwser me!!" he yelled again, pulling out his badge. Envy didn't listen, she walked over to the masked man and picked him up by his shirt. The General was astonished at her strength. She stared at him. Her brown hair flew in the wind. Her ratty clothes had somehow stuck together after the gusts of winds. "No one deserves to die." she said, dropping him back on the ground. "That is why I'm allowing you to live." she said and turned around. She looked at the general. She walked right past him. "Hey wait!" he yelled, trying to get her attention. She stopped walking. "Come home with me. I have an extra bed." he said, with a smile. She twisted around. "Oh really!!? That would be awesome!!!" she yelled, happily. The general was relieved she was in a good mood, after what just happened. "I'll try to get to know her. She seems real nice and she could be useful in the army." Mustang thought. Once they got to his house, "Wow! It's so big!!" Envy said, amazed. "Actually, this is called an apartment building. It divides each room from each other." he said, smiling. "Oh. Then is your part really small?" she asked, scratching her chin. "Well, I wouldn't call it small." he said, trying to forget the fact that it really is small. "Well, let's go in, shall we?" he said. In the apartment they had dinner. "So, I never got to ask you what your name was." Mustang said, rolling up spagetti on his fork. "Envy Elric." she said, stuffing her face with the food that was infront of her. "So Envy, why are you homeless." he said, trying not to act as if he didn't really care. "Umm... well, to tell you the truth, I don't really know. I just remember growing up with Al. I don't know where my real parents are, but I'm going to find them!!" she yelled determined. "But now... well... I don't have anyone who cares for me now..." she said wiping away a tear. "Because of that stupid man!!! Why did he have to kill, and for no reason at all!! I let him live, because I don't believe in killing!! He killed what was the most precious thing to me!!! He killed Al!!!" She yelled, bangging on the table. Mustang's eye's widened. "You mean that man that you buried. That was Al?" he asked. Envy nodded. "Well, how 'bout we give Al a proper burial." Mustang said. Envy smiled.

That's the end for now!! Comment more!!! Thanks for reading this !!!!!!!

Edited 7 Aug 2008 by Naruto1253 (see edit history)

[Sahaqiel 1232]

I'll critique and stuff later, but for now, I'd just like to point out that Envy Elric from Full Metal Alchemist is a guy.

*Shifty glances*

Sahaqiel

[Naruto1253 0]

I'll critique and stuff later, but for now, I'd just like to point out that Envy Elric from Full Metal Alchemist is a guy.

*Shifty glances*

Sahaqiel

I know about that!!! Another reply said that too. But for the second time, I don't know what this Full Metal Alchemist thing your talking about. I only made up the name!!! I didn't know!!! I'm so sorry for confusing you!! And Envy in this story... is a GIRL!!! And don't critique me later!! I only want to hear the good parts!! I'll improve it later!!! But plz don't lecture me again!!!

,

Naruto1253

[Eka 387]

In the anime tv show, there is a guy named Envy (who dresses as a girl), a guy named Al, AND a military General named Roy Mustang lol.

Lol it wasn't confusing us, I'm sure Saha was just wondering if this was a Full Metal Alchemist fan fiction like I was. Sorry for sending you the wrong message.

Anyways, this was a pretty good chapter.

Good job, though. =) I liked that ending bit, between Mustang and Envy about Al's proper burial. That was nice.

I'm also intrigued about Envy's power. She can electrify stuff and stop a bullet; pretty neat. Keep writing, this story's good. =)

My only suggestions: Remember to use paragraph form when people are talking (try for that in the next chapter) and try for a bit more detail in some sentences. Expand the sentences, so to speak.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

Well fine, but I only critique fics to help the writer...

Your loss. Correcting and proofreading doesn't normally take long.

Sahaqiel

[Naruto1253 0]

This is Chapter 3 in "Envy Elric." I hope you enjoy it.

Chapter 3

Mustang gave Al a nice grave. "Put those flowers on the dirt, then say a nice prair to Al." He said to Envy, holding a few tulips. Envy bent down and laid the flowers down on top of the ground. Tears dripped down her face, but she just wiped them away. She clapped her hands together and closed her eyes. Her brown hair flew in the wind, a sign of happiness. She opened her eyes back up and looked at the General. He smiled. He grabed her hand and they both walked back to his appartment. It became night and Mustang put Envy asleep. He looked at her peaceful face. He walked to his car and drove to a Military Base. He walked down the hall. "General Mustang, good evening." said Officer Chalmers, saluting. Mustang saluted back and kept walking down the halls. His shoes clapped against the floor, echoing in the hallway. He turned to his left and opened the door beside him and walked in. "Yes? What is it Mustang, so late at night?" said the Farer. "I have amazing news for you and the whole Military." he said back. He seemed to notice that the Farer was very intrested. Mustang told the story of Envy, and how she has powers. "Is this some kind of sick joke?!" yelled the Farer. "There is a war coming up!! And you expect me to put the little girl in the Military!?" yelled the Farer, again. "And what little girl has powers like that?!" he yelled more. "Please, Sir! I have her come here to meet you!!" Mustang yelled, confident that she will impress him. "Fine!! Tommorrow morning!! And if you are wrong, you won't be in the Military anymore!!" the Farer yelled back. Mustang saluted and walked out the door. The next morning, Envy was the first to wake. Mustang woke up about 10 minutes after. "Would you like eggs?" he asked. "No thanks. I'll have something later after I get to meet a really important, famous guy!!" she yelled, happily. Mustang had already told her that she get's to meet a Military man better than him. He hadn't told her that he wants her to join the army, but she still agreed. She put her hair up in a braid, to look nice. Although she still liked to where her old raggy clothes. "Let's go!!" she yelled, running out the door. Mustang followed. She picked up a flower and put it in her hair. She flipped her hair around. "Hahaha! This is already fun!!" she said, still flipping her hair. "You look really pretty." said Mustang. Envy smiled back. They both got into the car and drove their way down to the Military Base. They walked down the hall, the same path as Mustang took last night. Envy put her hands behind her head and flung her legs forward for each step, smiling. They turned to their left and opened the door. Envy looked around, letting her eye's wonder. It was a huge room with almost a thousnd books. Book cases everywhere, everywhere you look. She looked in the middle of the room. There was a big desk, with a person sitting in a chair. She knew it was the person she was supposed meet today so, "Hello!! Nice to meet you!!" she said, bowing up and down, constantly. "Nice to meet you, too." said the Farer. "Envy, General Faer, General Farer, Envy." Mustang said, pointing to each of them. A light flickered to the left of them, and soon, it turned off. "Oh dear. My light has gone off." said the Farer, trying to see if she does have powers. "Oh here!! Let me get some for you." Envy said, running out the door. While she was gone, "Well?! Nothing is going on with her! So, where is the power!?!" yelled the Farer, angry. "We have to wait! I don't know if she knows that she has powers!!" Mustang said back. "I know that I have powers!!" Envy said, smiling with a light bulb in her hand. "Al told me that I have special powers that no one else has!!" Envy said, smiling. Mustang turned around finally noticing Envy's appearince. She jumped up about 10 feet in the air and quickly unrewed the old bulb and put in the new one. She landed back on her feet. The Farer smiled. "Well, Envy. How about you join us in for war against the Tugurns?" "I'm really sorry, but I don't kill people or other animals." Envy said, a little sad. "Well, how about you knock them out and we put them in jail." Mustang said, happily. Envy nodded. "General Mustang, give this girl a uniform and have her meet more of our men and women." said the Farer, smiling. "Yes sir!!!" said Mustang and Envy, at the same time, saluting.

[Naruto1253 0]

Chapter 4

Envy put on one of the Military uniforms. The uniform was dark blue with a few bagdes on the left side of the shirt. Silver outline, all over the whole uniform. Envy pats her clothes, "I love this!! It's great! It's way better than the old ratty clothes that I used to wear!" "I think I'll take you shopping for pajama's. You need one." Mustang said, laying his hand on her head. Envy smiled. "I'll just go say bye to the Farer!!" Envy said running down the hall. Envy opened the door. "Bye!! See you, soon!!" she yelled, looking into the room. The Farer was standing up looking through a few books. He turned around, showing his whole uniform. Envy's pupil's shot down to the size of a dot. "Your... your..." Envy stuttered, pointing her trembling finger at him. She stared at him. All of a sudden, there was a short flash back of her past. A flash of the Farer, standing above her, holding a gun. For only that flash she saw a woman and a man laying dead on the floor, blood everywhere. She didn't get to be able to see what they looked like, the picture was only there for a split second. Back to the present, Envy came back to her senses. She felt a stab of pain, straight in her head. "Ahhhh!!!!" she yelled, grabbing her head. She fell onto her knee's. "Oh, yes!! Know I remember you from 4 years ago." the Farer said not even caring about her pain. "I went into your house, with my gun." he said, holding up his gun. Envy looked up at the gun. Tears started to run down her cheek, like a marathon. "I remember killing your parents....." the Farer said, smiling. That's all Envy heard before she passed out. She fell to the floor, dust flew away.

This is all I wrote for now!! I'll wright more if you comment!!! Thanks!!

[Eka 387]

Good job! =) I like the ending of Chapter 4, good twist.

Again, just asking, but are you remembering to use paragraph form when peopele are talking? It still looks like one giant paragraph when you're meant to press Enter on your keyboard and write what they say.

That's the only thing that bugged me a bit, otherwise, I loved it!

It just seems a bit long to people if you don't use paragraph form when they say it. People don't want to read extremely long stories (except for some nice people who rock.) So remember, paragraph form. Like:

Envy looked up at the gun. Tears started to run down her cheek, like a marathon.

"I remember killing your parents....." the Farer said, smiling. That's all Envy heard before she passed out. She fell to the floor, as dust blew every which way.

Edited 19 Aug 2008 by Saria_Kokiri (see edit history)

[Naruto1253 0]

Good job! =) I like the ending of Chapter 4, good twist.

Again, just asking, but are you remembering to use paragraph form when peopele are talking? It still looks like one giant paragraph when you're meant to press Enter on your keyboard and write what they say.

That's the only thing that bugged me a bit, otherwise, I loved it!

It just seems a bit long to people if you don't use paragraph form when they say it. People don't want to read extremely long stories (except for some nice people who rock.) So remember, paragraph form. Like:

Envy looked up at the gun. Tears started to run down her cheek, like a marathon.

"I remember killing your parents....." the Farer said, smiling. That's all Envy heard before she passed out. She fell to the floor, as dust blew every which way.

By paragraph form, do you mean to say that when someone's about to talk, I have to press enter?! If so, thanks for helping me out!!! I get what you mean by long stories. So the next time I write, I'll make sure it's in paragraph form!!!!

[Eka 387]

By paragraph form, do you mean to say that when someone's about to talk, I have to press enter?! If so, thanks for helping me out!!! I get what you mean by long stories. So the next time I write, I'll make sure it's in paragraph form!!!!

Basically, yes. I would say to indent but whenever I write Fan Fics on here, the idnent doesn't show up.

So yeah, press enter whenever someone is speaking. Also, when someone says something, and then says another thing, you can keep it in the same paragraph.

Example:

"Thanks," Envy said. "I needed that."

"No problem," Mustang replied.

Get it?

Also, whenever you're talking about something else, press enter. It's like, if at one point you were talking about Envy running through the street, and then she's opening going to Mustang's house, you would press enter when you would be talking about her going into Mustang's house.

[Naruto1253 0]

Chapter 5

Envy slowly opened her eye's, looking straight up to the cieling.

"Where am I?" she said, now looking around the room. At first, everything was very blurry. After a few more seconds, everything became clear to her. She noticed that she was laying on a bed, tucked in with sheets. She turned her head to the right and saw a lighted sign that said, "Room 241." Then she finally reliezed where she was.

"A hospital? Why am I here?" she asked herself. "I got to get out of here." she whispered, searching for somewhere to escape. She saw a window, with no decorations, but was still nice. She flung the sheets off her body. Envy noticed that she was still wearing her blue uniform. Anyway, she flipped her legs around the mattress and hung them off the edge of the bed. She stood up and started to walk towards the window.

"How high am I?" she thought. Then Envy pressed her face against the glass and looked down. She was about 10 stories high. "Hmmm, it's pretty high, but it will have to do." she told herself, shrugging. She unlocked the window and pushed up the thin sheet of glass. Wind blast through the room, going every which way. She hauled herself onto the window sill.

"Here we go!!!" she yelled and pushed off, into the light blue sky. She spread her arms out like an eagle, hoping she could keep her balance. She suddenly felt gravity doing what it does best. She flew down, as fast as over 100 mile per hour. She looked straight down, seeing all of the city folks and cars being driven. Than she looked to her left, than to her right. All of the very tall buildings looked like they were climbing down with her. She could not hear anything going on at the ground, because the wind was filling her ears. She finally noticed that she was close to the ground.

"Now!!" she yelled, flinging her arms and legs in front of her. (On all fours.) She landed very hard on the ground, making a huge explosion. About to hit her, a truck driver spun the wheel as fast as he could and fell to it's side, shreaking. A lot of dust, gravel, and parts of the street flew into the air. People stopped what the were doing and turned to the direction of the occasion.

"Eeeekkkk!!" a lady screeched, dropping her purse. "What just happened?!" another man yelled, just running into the scene. The smoke dissappeared and when everything was clear, a little girl was standing up, brushing dirt off of her uniform.

"Heh. Sorry, everybody!! I'll somehow pay for the damages, I promise!!" Envy said, scratching her head. Than she took off running. She climbed up the big ditch, and ran as fast as a cheetah. Dust flew behind her path, hitting people in it's way.

"Ready or not, Farer!!! 'Cause here I come!!!!!!" she yelled, putting her fist in the air, smiling.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please reply back to me!! Thanks!!!!

Edited 26 Aug 2008 by Naruto1253 (see edit history)

[Eka 387]

Good job on Chapter 5! I can tell you put a lot of effort into it. =)

[Naruto1253 0]

Chapter 6

Finally, Envy came upon the Military base. She looked up the tall and wide building. She walked through the door, letting her eye's wonder around the place again.

"Now to look for the Farer's room." Envy told herself. She walked down a right hall, passing other military men and women.

"Envy!! I'm glad your fine now!!" a person said, to her. "What do you mean?" asked Envy, confused. "The Farer said to everyone that you just passed out, for no reason at all." she said back. "That... lier... stupid... Farer..." Envy mumbled to herself, angry. "Uhhh... Envy...?" asked the Military General. "Oh!! Uhhh... see ya later!!" Envy yelled and waved good-bye, running down the hall. She looked to her left, "There it is... the Farer's door." she thought, scared.

The door had a nice decoration around it, but to Envy it was pure Evil. She slowly pushed open the doors, and took a big gulp of air.

"Oh, Envy!! How nice to see you again." said the Farer, actually smiling. "Heh. It's nice to see you, too. Now, I have a few questions I would like to ask you." Envy said, closing her eye's. "Did... you kill my... parents?" she asked, bringing up a trembling fist. The Farer smiled and nodded. Without showing her face, a tear dripped off of Envy's face and onto the floor.

"Heh..." she laughed, smiling. She brought her hand up like it was holding a ball, but nothing was there. Suddenly, some sort of swirling vortex formed in her palm. The Farer looked at her, frightned. "What are you... doing?!" he asked, backing up against the bookcase. "I'm going to kill you!!!" she yelled, running towards him.

That's it for now! Please reply back!! Thanks!