The Incoherent Ranting of a 17-year-old child

[Yuna_Rikku_Paine_Fanboy!! 0]

I just need to put my thoughts into words. Whether you read this or not is your choice. I know it may sound a bit self-centered, but who isn't? I mean, come on.... If you do happen to read it, your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

It's strange, to see myself learn so much fater than my peers, but to take so much longer in finding a situation that teaches me a life lesson they learned years ago.

I'm jobless, and up until about 2:00 this afternoon, I didn't care. I was perfectly fine not having a job, and it kinda made me happy to defy my dad and step-mother. But then I saw an excellent piece of artwork that made me remember a dream I locked away a long time ago.

I can't get rid of it. I'd actually prefer to be a half-dragon/dragon anthro, however you wish to say it. I can't explain why; maybe it's the blandness of my pasty white skin. Maybe it's the fact I'm a total fanboy for dragons. Either way, it's obviously not goingto happen. This is the one dream that actually makes me angry that it won't ever come true, so I try never to remember it to prevent it from completely screwing up my life. And when I saw that piece of artwork that made me remember, I wondered, "Maybe I could live vicariously through my artwork! then I wouldn't have to bottle the dream up, and it wouldn't make me angry either!" But that just made it worse. I dislike pirating software, but I guess it's not pirating if I just play around with the free month trial. Well, all the computers I have access to don't allow me to install programs via installer files. And so, I just sat staring at that artwork, and I became envious. What happened next is explained quickest by this line from Lulu in Final Fantasy X ~ Lulu: "You see, the dead envy the living. And in time, that envy turns to anger, even hate. Then they become fiends that prey on the living..."

And I look at it, and it makes me so angry that I can't have that skill, that I can't do that with an art program. And then I wonder, "Well, with a job, I could afford a laptop that I could do whatever the hell I want with it." But I've realized that I can't just get a job anymore. My dad has a ton of homework because he's going to college as well, and my mother is looking for a new job as she's having trouble paying the bills with me and my sister's visits. I realize that I had my chance. And I was so preoccupied with my own little world and how to get it to all work out that I was completely oblivious to it. I'm puppyed.

I also realized then that trying to learn an art program overnight is like trying to read an entire library overnight. But if I go to college, it'd be so much better. But then I remember that I puppyed around the first three years of high school, and I've only got one year left. I've got OK grades, but they're probably not good enough to get into the Kansas City Art Institute (Despite the name, it's not actually one of those holier-than-thou colleges, it's more like a normal college that specializes in various artistic degrees, like digital media and cooking.) and again I realize I'm doomed to live under a bridge for the rest of my life, hating my job, hating my wife, thinking my kids are idiotic freaks that need to be put down. It's just so maddening!

I desire so many things that are just out of reach that I can brush them with my fingertips, and sometimes I just sit in front of the computer and cry myself to sleep about how shitty I've handled my life. I'm so stupid!!

I've tried to calm myself down, and think of possible solutions. all this became was a particularly bad state of depression where I actually thought about killing myself. Of course, thinking about my mother and my sister stopped that right quick, I couldn't do that to them.

I think of all the things wrong with me, all the things that shouldn't be, and I try so hard to change them, to turn them around, like my laziness. But no matter how hard I try, they always triumph. I obviously can't do this alone, but there's nobody I can turn to. I'd turn to my mother, but she has enough to deal with, I don't wish to burden her further. I'd turn to my father, but he thinks I'm a freak because of my personality, and he's about as useful as a rock when it comes to parenting, in my opinion.

I look at myself in the mirror, and I see a 12-year-old kid crying to his mother, "Please don't leave!" and I see the mother reply, "I'm sorry," without a single tear. I see a 15-year-old pissed off and extremely hurt by his dad suddenly springing into a marriage with a woman his dad has only let him come in contact with twice, and on top of that, while that 15-year-old boy was on vacation at his mother's. I see a boy about to become a man who hates his step-mother with a passion. I see a sick-minded boy who has his a metaphoric drug, a brand of Vikodin made specially for him. He hides it extremely well, in places invisible to the naked eye. Something he will tell nobody, not even his mother. He deletes all traces of it when he's done, and never speaks of that moment again. Hating it but craving it at the same time; always wanting that next fix, but trying to escape it. Only this time, there's no Chalice of Reversal to fix him... I see a boy who deeply wishes for attention, but can't get it at school because his classmates don't understand him. I see a 17-year-old boy who accidentally talks too much at work because he's depreived of it during school....

I see a lot of things in myself. Not very many of them are good. I try to let go of the past and leave it behind, but then I say "screw it" and pick it back up to use as fuel for my anger. Maybe when I get a bit older, I'll find out the secret. The secret to making it all go away......

[Silent One 2]

I desire so many things that are just out of reach that I can brush them with my fingertips, and sometimes I just sit in front of the computer and cry myself to sleep about how shitty I've handled my life. I'm so stupid!!

I think of all the things wrong with me, all the things that shouldn't be, and I try so hard to change them, to turn them around, like my laziness. But no matter how hard I try, they always triumph. I obviously can't do this alone, but there's nobody I can turn to

Wow those sentences are exactly how I feel right now.

For art programs you could get Gimp, it's free software for Windows Linux, and Mac, that is Photoshop without all the un-needed bells and whistles.

If you want help learning a bit about Photoshop or Gimp I would Be glad to help. Just drop me a PM.

I know how it feels to hate what you've become, and wanting nothing more than to change yourself, so if you find the answer, please tell me what it is lol.

Hope this helps in some way.

[Grandmaster Phoenix 26]

Pencils

Paper

There ya go.

[Yuna_Rikku_Paine_Fanboy!! 0]

Wow those sentences are exactly how I feel right now.

For art programs you could get Gimp, it's free software for Windows Linux, and Mac, that is Photoshop without all the un-needed bells and whistles.

If you want help learning a bit about Photoshop or Gimp I would Be glad to help. Just drop me a PM.

I know how it feels to hate what you've become, and wanting nothing more than to change yourself, so if you find the answer, please tell me what it is lol.

Hope this helps in some way.

I have GIMP, but the pen tool bugs me with it's retardedness. xD

I already know exactly what's wrong with me, I just don't exactly feel like I have the guts to tell someone.

Pencils

Paper

There ya go.

I suck with that, and am much better with a computer. xD but thanks for the bluntness and nto sugercoating your thoughts. and that's not the only thing I ranted about. xD that part of the rant actually led to the rest of the rant. xD

[Grandmaster Phoenix 26]

I took a class at school for it.

Now, I look back at my drawings before the class and realise that they suck.

[Yuna_Rikku_Paine_Fanboy!! 0]

I took a class at school for it.

Now, I look back at my drawings before the class and realise that they suck.

I can't take a class for it. I can't be told what to draw. My ability to draw depends solely on fi I want to, and if I like the subject of the drawing. My computer art skills, however, are subject to no such unnaturality.

[LeonChan 0]

I know what you mean man, but I have my methods of sketching something. Drawing contours, filling them with the exact values. I'm no artist, but you'll eventually understand if you pratice!

[Stormsworder 0]

I can't draw if my life depended on it. Art class? Miserable for me, because I always did such a terrible job and the teacher was so strict. the only thing I could even draw fairly well was the Gouf from Mobile Suit Gundam if I looked at the model of it I had, and that was only the top portion of its body. I have GIMP, but I just can't seem to get any better than doing some fairly basic stuff on there.

Only thing I really can do is write, and it's frustrating when absolutely no one reads or comments on something I spent hours working on. I dunno how many times I've felt like just giving up on writing.

As for not feeling like having anyone to turn to... my faith is what gets me through the rough spots in life, whether it's parents nearly divorcing or the struggle of finding out where to go to college at and what to do with my life. But not everyone has that same faith, I suppose.

*rubs the back of her head* Bah, feel like an idiot. I don't think I made any sense there...

[Yuna_Rikku_Paine_Fanboy!! 0]

I can't draw if my life depended on it. Art class? Miserable for me, because I always did such a terrible job and the teacher was so strict. the only thing I could even draw fairly well was the Gouf from Mobile Suit Gundam if I looked at the model of it I had, and that was only the top portion of its body. I have GIMP, but I just can't seem to get any better than doing some fairly basic stuff on there.

Only thing I really can do is write, and it's frustrating when absolutely no one reads or comments on something I spent hours working on. I dunno how many times I've felt like just giving up on writing.

As for not feeling like having anyone to turn to... my faith is what gets me through the rough spots in life, whether it's parents nearly divorcing or the struggle of finding out where to go to college at and what to do with my life. But not everyone has that same faith, I suppose.

*rubs the back of her head* Bah, feel like an idiot. I don't think I made any sense there...

You make sense. i feel that way too when nobody comments - It feels like you're really underappreciated when you write a bunch of stuff and nobody comments on it.

I don't know, maybe I just don't have faith. My parents actually did divorce, and they constantly insult the other when I'm around. (Not that I help that situation - I complain about my dad quite a bit xD) I did happen to blow up on my mom once about it, and she's gotten a lot better about it, but as a consequence I feel like a hypocrit the second anything rude comes out of my mouth about my dad. I never did blow up on my dad - he's too controlling, and besides, he wouldn't change anyway - he's a bit close-minded on the subject of my mother. It also makes you feel like crap when your dad thinks you're weird (in the way that makes them look down upon you) because you feel like wearing large warm shirts in the middle of summer, or the fact that you'll wear gloves for no reason (I feel like wearing gloves sometimes, for no reason either - my drawing skills seem to be better when I wearing fingerless gloves too xD) or the fact that you're a total spaz. I have to act like the complete opposite around my dad because he doesn't like who I am, and then when I accidentally act like myself, he thinks I'm stoned. T^T