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[Sahaqiel 1232]

[00:53:25] <Sahaqiel> Muffin

[00:53:27] <Sahaqiel> I am sad.

[00:53:49] <&Fierce_Muffin> Why's that

[00:53:58] <Sahaqiel> Nothing I do feel exciting anymore.

[00:54:01] <Sahaqiel> feels8

[00:54:02] <Sahaqiel> *

[00:54:14] <Sahaqiel> I seem to be the only one who cares.

[00:54:34] <Sahaqiel> My opinions don't matter anymore

[00:54:47] <Sahaqiel> I feel like I'm losing touch with the forum.

[00:55:06] <Sahaqiel> Before, I felt sad because I felt I wasn't getting enough social contact.

[00:55:24] <Sahaqiel> Now I'm thinking I get enough, but it's never as good anymore.

[00:56:13] <&Fierce_Muffin> Oh

[00:56:28] <Sahaqiel> I just feel like I'm old news, or something.

[00:56:47] <&Fierce_Muffin> I still think you're a kool kid

[00:56:56] <Sahaqiel> Thanks.

[00:57:24] <Sahaqiel> I had a great time, today, with a few friends.

[00:57:48] <Sahaqiel> Then I got home, and I go on the forum

[00:58:00] <Sahaqiel> I don't know, I'm just getting really depressed.

[00:59:15] <Sahaqiel> I'm fine with people not paying attention to me, but this has gone on for awhile, now, progressively more.

[00:59:30] <Sahaqiel> I'm just feeling alone more and more.

[00:59:42] <Sahaqiel> And I do things, but no one cares.

[00:59:56] <Sahaqiel> It just makes me not want to do anything.

[01:02:06] <Sahaqiel> And I have mini crises over what I want to do.

[01:02:22] <Sahaqiel> I know I've bit a lot more than I can chew (at once)

[01:02:44] <Sahaqiel> I have a ton of projects that are really great to me, and my attention is constantly divided amongst them.

[01:03:31] <Sahaqiel> At the very least, I want to complete something that I can profit from somehow, monetarily or getting put on the radar.

[01:03:42] <Sahaqiel> But increasingly, it's like, "wow who cares, it's sahaqiel"

[01:03:59] <Sahaqiel> And all of these things are so enticing, and I can't focus on just one thing.

[01:04:42] <Sahaqiel> I even get sad at how kaffles doesn't talk to anyone on the forum or chat.

[01:05:04] <Sahaqiel> It makes me feel like we're not all strongly bonded

[01:05:22] <Sahaqiel> not to mention pheo and how completely cold he's been treating me

[01:05:51] <Sahaqiel> He even called me to tell me his problems, and I listened and was glad he opened up, but then I just wanted to talk to him, and it seemed like he didn't even want to.

[01:06:38] <Sahaqiel> I used to feel like the world was this huge ball of momentum that I could pick up at any time, full of wonderful people that I am connected to, sort of embracing them as I walked my own path.

[01:07:13] <Sahaqiel> And I knew this already, but I am incredibly dependent upon my friends, and the formation of new ones.

[01:07:22] <Sahaqiel> Interdependent, I want to say.

[01:07:54] <Sahaqiel> I want to make people happy, and get my happiness from their happiness, in my own way.

[01:08:32] <Sahaqiel> Likewise I want some empathy when I am not happy, or at least something that isn't total indifference.

[01:09:08] <Sahaqiel> One time I just didn't talk for three days because I was extremely depressed and upset, and it sort of caused a reaction to where all my friends were not happy at all.

[01:09:40] <Sahaqiel> I was angry that I couldn't support them all, but at the same time it made me feel like I was somewhat important, at least.

[01:10:01] <Sahaqiel> Now it's like everything about me is halfhearted.

[01:10:05] <Sahaqiel> It hurts to admit, too.

[01:11:00] <Sahaqiel> I feel like I'm losing my youth rapidly, and I'm not even 20. But I'm getting close, and I'm freaking all kinds of hell out.

[01:11:34] <Sahaqiel> It used to be so clear to me, what I would do. And everything is looking so shaky right now. I'm lacking self confidence and second guessing myself. I've become unwilling to self improve.

[01:12:09] <Sahaqiel> I've become scared to take risks, scared to walk my own streets.

[01:12:35] <Sahaqiel> I've withdrawn into a shell. I never used to have fear, because I had everyone.

[01:13:34] <Sahaqiel> But I don't want to be like "oh hey guys pay attention to me". I hate doing things like that.

[01:13:59] <Sahaqiel> Even when I do it, people just talk to me a couple times and then forget about it.

[01:16:53] <Sahaqiel> I feel like I have to do something interesting to gain public opinion of me back, but I don't want to complete something just because I'm feeling a little lonely and want to be noticed every once in awhile.

[01:18:49] <Sahaqiel> Also, college is a lot worse for me than high school. Everyone tries to put on their "mature" face and act indifferent, because idk, that's the college thing to do? I don't get nearly as many people confronting me with friendly intentions. I get all kinds of funny looks, and I can't even enjoy them, because I don't have a lot of friends to laugh with about it.

[01:19:13] <Sahaqiel> I'm just laughing on my own.

[01:19:18] <Sahaqiel> Only, I'm not laughing.

[01:24:00] <Sahaqiel> And I guess this has also been putting pressure on me

[01:24:18] <Sahaqiel> but now that everyone's in college, suddenly everyone has all these elitist standards.

[01:25:31] <Sahaqiel> Essentially, if I choose to believe any one of them, it takes all the fun out of everything. There are no discoveries, there are no exceptions, nor are there good things in the world unless they're done by someone who has completed x of y.

[01:26:08] <Sahaqiel> It tells me not to trust my eyes, ears, or mouth, because they're just not good enough.

[01:28:23] <Sahaqiel> I almost want to leave Hyrule.net, because I am just not needed anymore.

[01:28:32] <Sahaqiel> All the people that left Hyrule because of inactivity?

[01:28:45] <Sahaqiel> Everyone responded to their posts back then like people respond to my posts right now.

[01:28:51] <Sahaqiel> ie - most of the time, not at all.

[01:29:11] <Sahaqiel> Due to that, I've just been limiting myself to threads I can actually share an opinion on.

[01:29:20] <Sahaqiel> Hopefully trying to strike up some conversation.

[01:29:27] <Sahaqiel> But I don't even feel like a distinct person anymore.

[01:29:38] <Sahaqiel> I'm recognizeable, sure, but I'm just not vital.

[01:30:48] <Sahaqiel> I always thought of myself as the regular user who represents the forum, which I've tried to communicate through changing some admin settings to more preferable things that everyone was complaining about, myself included.

[01:31:09] <Sahaqiel> I would always fight when something went amiss on the forum, because I love my forum and I don't want it angry all the time.

[01:31:44] <Sahaqiel> Now people have started to get angry at me, like they think I'm some kind of fuckup. Not just in the werewolf game.

[01:32:35] <Sahaqiel> Most people a year or two ago would look at the things I do and say, "Oh, that's just Saha, lol. Now this makes sense and I can enjoy it regularly."

[01:34:17] <Sahaqiel> All my posts recently have been knocked down to single sentences I don't even try on.

[01:35:17] <Sahaqiel> It was my saving grace, that I'm a user who tries to stimulate conversation with well thought out posts, but now I'm just lazy.

[01:35:51] <Sahaqiel> We hardly get reports, so I'm just the admin who posts every once in awhile and doesn't contribute news or content.

[01:36:42] <Sahaqiel> Whenever I do write a well thought out post, it's always criticism of something. I've become overly critical of things, and I am pretty sure it makes some people not want to talk to me as much.

[01:37:28] <Sahaqiel> I'm just sitting in a chair here all by myself, unable to partake in any reindeer games.

[01:37:32] <Sahaqiel> Looking up at the ceiling.

[01:37:35] <Sahaqiel> Hands clasped.

[01:37:47] <Sahaqiel> A bunch of tools in front of me with no motivation to work with them.

[01:38:26] <Sahaqiel> I don't want to leave everyone, but it might be better if I do.

[01:38:50] <Sahaqiel> Only it won't, because I will just get more strain from being lonely rather than putting on a facade for everyone and bearing through being unhappy in a safe zone.

[02:09:49] <Sahaqiel> Where will I go? And if I actually go out and do everything I want to do to completion, will I just forget about everyone and be that person who comes in every once in awhile to post progress and leave again?

[02:10:00] <Sahaqiel> A forgotten part of the scribe thread

[02:10:38] <Sahaqiel> I'm aware you're probably not listening, Muffin. Which I guess is alright. I'm getting things off my chest somewhat.

[02:10:44] <Sahaqiel> Even if it is to AgentSnoop.

[02:11:00] <Sahaqiel> I'll just

[02:11:07] <Sahaqiel> I guess I'll post a thread.

[02:11:14] <Sahaqiel> My stepmom will be home, oh there she is.

[02:11:33] <&Fierce_Muffin> Shaq, I'm sorry, I've been playing League of Legends with my friend

[02:12:13] <&Fierce_Muffin> We're taking a little break, so I'll get back to reading

[02:12:28] <&Fierce_Muffin> I'm sure you're just overdramatizing this, though, mang

[02:12:31] <&Fierce_Muffin> Or

[02:12:33] <&Fierce_Muffin> Overthinking

[02:12:36] <&Fierce_Muffin> Everything

[02:12:58] <&Fierce_Muffin> Or feeling that you need to be the person that needs to make everything perfect when you don't have to be

[02:15:18] <Sahaqiel> Even if I accept I don't have to be perfect

[02:15:26] <Sahaqiel> no one cares anymore.

[02:17:08] <Sahaqiel> I used to be valuable somewhat for the intellectual things I said, but no one cares about those either, and I'll just end up being critical again or something.

[02:17:13] <Sahaqiel> Even now, I'm criticizing myself.

[02:17:59] <Sahaqiel> Ranting out loud about how I'm bad, and no one cares.

[02:18:11] <Sahaqiel> Maybe that's why I've developed a sadistic streak.

[02:19:25] <Sahaqiel> I try to say something mean so we can laugh about it and I can feel important again.

[02:19:47] <Sahaqiel> I don't actually try to hurt someone to build them back up or anything, but who knows if that might ever happen?

[02:20:07] <Sahaqiel> I just feel so defunct right now.

[02:20:45] <Sahaqiel> It's a good thing I still feel bad for hurting peoples' feelings. More than anyone will ever know.

[02:21:07] <Sahaqiel> So maybe I won't try to hurt feelings or anything.

[02:21:19] <Sahaqiel> But still, I'm just stuck in a loop of frustrations.

[02:23:20] <Sahaqiel> It felt so great when I posted in the anime thread about how I am not an anime elitist. It felt good to reaffirm part of who I am, as someone who tries to enjoy things without letting other people ruin them for me completely, and as someone that no one should be afraid to discuss with about things. But recently, that's faltered too.

[02:23:49] <&Fierce_Muffin> I'd discuss animu with you

[02:23:56] <&Fierce_Muffin> But, I would just end up trying to troll you

[02:24:00] <Sahaqiel> yeah

[02:24:03] <&Fierce_Muffin> And then you'd get angry because I'm me

[02:25:02] <Sahaqiel> I am just bitter and mean.

[02:25:10] <&Fierce_Muffin> >Bitter

[02:25:16] <Sahaqiel> And I have to deal with frustrating people all the time

[02:25:17] <&Fierce_Muffin> Shaq, don't even be like this

[02:25:26] <Sahaqiel> like my stepmom

[02:25:35] <Sahaqiel> constantly telling me to go back to my mom's hous

[02:25:37] <Sahaqiel> e

[02:25:48] <Sahaqiel> like right now

[02:26:08] <Sahaqiel> No one in the house tries to listen to what I say, either. They aren't curious, they don't care.

[02:26:18] <Sahaqiel> I have to follow the rules and that's all that matters.

[02:26:58] <Sahaqiel> If I say how I feel, I will be criticized for it.

[02:27:25] <Sahaqiel> That being said, I don't follow the rules in my house.

[02:27:37] <Sahaqiel> Because it's not any of their business as to what I do.

[02:27:48] <Sahaqiel> I clean up after myself and I don't interfere with anything they do.

[02:28:05] <Sahaqiel> So I don't know.

[02:28:18] <Sahaqiel> Man, I just wish I could cry this off and get over it.

[02:28:22] <Sahaqiel> I don't want to stay like this.

[02:28:35] <Sahaqiel> Today, I searched through my bag and found a paper I'd never seen before.

[02:28:43] <Sahaqiel> It was some advertisement,

[02:28:53] <Sahaqiel> and it said in bold letters across the top

[02:28:57] <Sahaqiel> "YOU CAN DO THIS"

[02:29:36] <Sahaqiel> And I take signs like these to heart. I thrive on encouragement like this. It's my fuel. But lately I've only been saying to to myself. It's like no one else believes in me.

[02:29:54] <Sahaqiel> So I studied for a couple hours. I rarely ever study.

[02:30:11] <Sahaqiel> And it felt great to get a problem right, because I love when everything falls into place at the end.

[02:30:26] <Sahaqiel> Even with the rough spots that you have to redo and rethink.

[02:30:39] <Sahaqiel> But I hit a snag, and I could not progress.

[02:30:47] <Sahaqiel> The book didn't give me any useful information.

[02:31:13] <Sahaqiel> What if I'm always on a snag like that? What if I never get any help and can't figure it out on my own?

[02:31:39] <Sahaqiel> It's been looking like I'm pretty much on my own lately.

[02:32:14] <Sahaqiel> The Skype group blew my mind with how active it was with the regular colorful users.

[02:33:26] <Sahaqiel> Which pissed me off, because of a multitude of reasons. I have been wanting to make an IRC vs. Skype thread, and tell everyone how they should actually feel bad because they are using Skype, but they would probably skim the thread, visit IRC once or twice, ignore everything I said, then leave and go back to Skype.

[02:34:13] <Sahaqiel> I don't like my netbook overheating and screaming louder than my music, so I don't tend to leave Skype open, but at the same time, I'm limiting my own social standing.

[02:34:19] <Sahaqiel> I am just a bad person.

[02:34:25] <Sahaqiel> I think that's what this all boils down to.

[02:34:29] <Sahaqiel> Funnels into, maybe.

[02:34:33] <Sahaqiel> That's how I imagine this.

[02:34:55] <Sahaqiel> I am just spewing a long winded rant that can be summarized as such.

[02:34:58] <Sahaqiel> I'm done for tonight.

[02:36:31] <Sahaqiel> I'll wallow in self pity some other night.