LOZ: Jewel of Shadows

[Vivid Dreamer 0]

I originally started this fiction back on a forum that shall no longer be named since it sliced me away from so many good nintendo fans However, I would like to share it with my new forum home. It's incredibly long and I don't know if it's worth posting. If people ask me for more, I'll be glad to carry on with this fiction!

Chapter 1 : Nivara

Clouds covered the quiet desert. The wind blew to the east creating a warm breeze. Rain threatened to fall but only lightening escaped from the mists above. Traveling from cloud to cloud then striking the ground the whole earth would shake. Small lizards and other desert animals scattered to find cover. Such darkness only meant a truly terrifying omen.

She traveled from the land of Shawdoe. Alone, hungry, and cold she walked alone leaving her footprints behind. Long black hair fell past her cloak's cover blowing forward in the warm wind. Behind the shadow of the cloth were shimmering ruby eyes. They glittered in the darkest light able to see all truth. Her slanted brows lowered giving her a sinister appearance. Crimson lips frowned against her pale moon skin as she continued to move on. Pulling her dark violet cloak closer she covered the features of her face.

The woman had been banished from her own land for a number of broken laws. She clenched her teeth remenicing the day she was forced to leave. She had been alone in her small home as usual. Her delicate hands fingered a fine jewel rare amongest many. She obtained the trinket from a traveler from a far away land to the east. He was a strange man. Wrapped in a black cloak, old as dust, and with only one eye he promised her she could be the happiest person in the world if she could find more jewels similar to the one he gave her. With a lustful glance at the gem she quickly returned to the cover of her home. Then the trouble began.

Officers of higher authority stormed into her house knocking over many of her precious collections. She screamed curses as they took her hands and bounded them together. She was accused of thievary, casting spells on the innoucent, and murder of her own kind. The leader of her tribe was furious to find the rare gem in her possesion once an officer handed it over. He pointed his long bony finger in her face and proclaimed her to be the daughter of a demon. With that most dispicable insult he ordered she leave Shawdoe and never return. Regretfully she turned her back on her only home and swore she'd have revenge.

"They'll regret what they have done to me. I will not be known as a belittled criminal," she returned to the desert with shaking fists of fury.

She had divised a carefully made plan with every feeling of hate she had for the people of Shawdoe. First she promised herself to find out more about the mysterious gems. The day she held that one jewel she had felt a power not of the ordinary. It sunk into her fingers spreading through her entire body. Never had she felt so strong, fearless, in control of so many pointless lives. The energy she received did make her feel some happiness. Suddenly she had the craving for more. She needed it to obtain more. As a result she would travel to the far land in the east. There, she figured, was the place to find the mighty jewels.

Once finding the gems and containing their power she would raise her own army. She would force strength and the same hate she possesed for the people of Shawdoe into her troops. Surely they would loyaly follow her into battle. Once in her power they would charge into her homeland taking everything they had taken from her. She visioned herself burning, destroying, killing all of those who betrayed her and dared to bind her hands. After winning the war she would take Shawdoe's throne, forever ruling it all. There would be none to stop her.

A grin emerged around her lips. Discovering the suffering of others pleased her some reason. She was never sure how she recieved the desires and feelings she had. Never had she had parents like most children. She knew nothing about her family or where she had come from. One day a Shawdoen found her abandoned when she was only three years old. The curious Shawdoen found a perminant eye mark on her left ankle revealing that she was one of his own race: a Sheikah. Sheikah lived in queit communities occasionally seperating to serve a royal in other lands. They believed in the arts of shadow spirits and used the darkness to aid them. The man was surprised to find a toddler alone in their dark woods and brought her back to his trible village. There he left her to be raised in a home with many other lost children where she was named Nivara. She continued living in the lost house until she reached sixteen. Then she worked for a local merchant cleaning and selling goods.

Nivara differed from many of the other Shawdoe folk. When practicing with the shadows she sometimes summoned terrifying creatures from other worlds. It would take days to months just to dispose the monsters. She never understood how she could create such unworldly beings. Some called her a witch while others said she was created from a devil. The insults didn't offend her like most children. She actually enjoyed it when others called her a monster. By doing so it created fear in the people.

Fear was something Nivara learned when she was five. She was playing with other children when one of them started to argue with her about the game. She rose her hand forgetting hitting was forbidden. The other's eyes widened and his mouth dropped. Before she struck him her eyes imediatly absorbed his every action. She smiled feeling pleased. With fear she could control a person to do her bidding.The power did not last long. Soon she was punished and thrown into a jail for two years. She supposedly learned she wasn't alowed to inflict such actions on others.

When released she left the lost house to raise money for herself. Another power she discovered was people would do anything to receive something of value. Nivara decided to test this theory on weak, greedy individuals. Again she was punished but it did not stop her from learning more. Now she knew she had to use a little more wit to please herself with the skills of control. In order to prevent punishment she had to show herself as an authority figure. To do that she had to make one suffer. Torturing was another element to help her in her quest for control. It was simple and easy to extract information from inferior beings. It gained some obedience.

"Shame none of those weaklings defended me we those officers came," Nivara whispered to herself, "They will know their mistake when my knife tastes their sweet blood."

The outcast stopped for camp later that evening. The clouds still hung over her head with continuing claps of thunder. Wind blew stronger blowing every piece of sand in the air. Desert animals came out from their hiding spots to hunt food for the night. They slowly crept pass the wonderer curious to know who she was.

Though she was cold, Nivara never built a fire. She threw her cloak down and gazed into the sea of sand. The tight black leather pants and strapless top she wore made her freeze even more, but she didn't seem to care. She wasn't ever concerned about the cold. She preferred to freeze than die in the warmth of the sun. In the ice was where her heart belonged and she swore it would never change.

Her ruby eyes scanned to desert as though there was something to look for but she wasn't sure if it could be found. Something is familiar about this area, she thought. The blank desert, the coldness in the air, the storms that never ceased, Nivara felt she had something in common with all of them. It was as if the desert whispered her name. It soothed her tortured mind. She wasn't sure but she felt as though she were safely home.

The wind swooped up her long hair forcing her to turn so she could see. As she faced the opposite direction she noticed a large bird sitting on a nearby cactus. It appeared to be larger than a normal sized human, its eyes were well rounded and yellow, it had few black and brown spots on its white face with brows big enough to sit tiny birds, the stomach was white while the rest of its bod was a dark brown. Nivara looked into its eyes thinking it was almost human. She shivered as she saw those same eyes stare into her soul. With a scowl she turned to her side refusing to have a staring contest with such a worthless creature.

"Who," she suddenly heard the bird say.

"Go away rutty owl," Nivara snapped then pretended she was more interested in a lizard.

"Who," the owl said again.

Nivara turned so her back faced the creature. Annoyingly her hair blew back into her face with the wind.

"Who," she heard once more.

Clenching her fists Nivara whirled around with a red face. Her teeth angrily bit down together as she practically shouted through them. "What do you want!?"

"Who," answered the owl. It did not flinch nor show any sign of running at the sound of her shrieks.

"Who?" Nivara repeated loudly, "I'm a traveler you bloody bird! Nothing more!"

"Is that what you wish me to believe?"

Nivara froze. Did he just say something? She didn't understand how it could talk. Every animal she had ever seen never knew speech. Perhaps this was no mere owl. It's size was defiantly larger than a normal bird of its kind. She unclenched her fists but narrowed her eyes as she and the owl continued to watch each other.

"Tell me traveler, where do you head?" asked the owl.

"Why does it concern you," Nivara replied harshly.

"Oot hoo, so did that mean I should be?"

Nivara paused unsure of how she should answer him. There was something about the bird's wisdom. She felt it was in her way some how. Grinding her teeth she gave him a threatening look but once again he showed no fear. This angered the wonderer. Being an animal he should at least quaver by her menacing glances.

"Ooo whoo hoo," the owl met her with his all-seeing eyes, "The land to the east is Hyrule traveler. Let me give you a bit of advice before you decide to go on. Hyrule is a prosperous kingdom with a strong people. It grows each day with a lasting peace. If threatened it does not fall easily. Disturbing the elements that make it stand will raise a greater good. If one brings fear into this land another will fight to stop it. A pure mind fears nothing nor begs for mercy. With courage and wisdom a hero shall diminish any power that makes the land of Hyrule bleed."

Before Nivara could speak the owl spread his wings and embarked into the sky. She watched him slowly disappear in the dark night breaking through the dark clouds. Light of the moon broke through the storm letting the bird travel in peace. His words were like a sword stabbing into her heart. They stung like the poison of a venomous snake. Why they hurt her so badly she did not know. Was it advice or was he warning her?

Nivara spat onto the ground then crushed the observing lizard with her hard boot. It never had the chance to run or scream out in pain. She wasn't going to let that happen. If she wanted something done right she had to be quick and sneaky. The lizard easily failed to see his oncoming death. Nivara smiled to herself realizing she had learned another element of control.

"Foolish owl," she purred picking up the remainder of the lizard with two fingers, "No one will stand in my way. If anyone dares to defy me I swear to crush them with the powers I posses."

[link959 0]

so, what hapens next?

[Sahaqiel 1232]

I originally started this fiction back on a forum that shall no longer be named since it sliced me away from so many good nintendo fans However, I would like to share it with my new forum home. It's incredibly long and I don't know if it's worth posting. If people ask me for more, I'll be glad to carry on with this fiction!

Oh don't worry... My fan fiction has over 30,000 words and about two people seem to enjoy it at least. I'll review your chapter since you don't have them in bulk.

"Clouds covered the quiet desert. The wind blew to the east creating a warm breeze. Rain threatened to fall but only lightening escaped from the mists above. Traveling from cloud to cloud then striking the ground the whole earth would shake. Small lizards and other desert animals scattered to find cover. Such darkness only meant a truly terrifying omen."

Comma after "cloud to cloud". Semicolon after "ground". Good atmosphere. Can't say it's totally immersive, but it gets the job done. I have similar problems at times.

"She traveled from the land of Shawdoe. Alone, hungry, and cold she walked alone leaving her footprints behind. Long black hair fell past her cloak's cover blowing forward in the warm wind. Behind the shadow of the cloth were shimmering ruby eyes. They glittered in the darkest light able to see all truth. Her slanted brows lowered giving her a sinister appearance. Crimson lips frowned against her pale moon skin as she continued to move on. Pulling her dark violet cloak closer she covered the features of her face."

Comma after "and cold" and after "alone". Comma after "blowing". Comma after "light" and "lowered". I can't say I'm much of a fan of fan fiction where there are lands created by the author. I much prefer fan fiction to stay within the normal bounds of the series' characters or settings. But that's just me; there are others who aren't that picky.

"The woman had been banished from her own land for a number of broken laws. She clenched her teeth remenicing the day she was forced to leave. She had been alone in her small home as usual. Her delicate hands fingered a fine jewel rare amongest many. She obtained the trinket from a traveler from a far away land to the east. He was a strange man. Wrapped in a black cloak, old as dust, and with only one eye he promised her she could be the happiest person in the world if she could find more jewels similar to the one he gave her. With a lustful glance at the gem she quickly returned to the cover of her home. Then the trouble began."

Misspelled reminiscing and amongst. For the purpose of style and general use, faraway should be one word. Comma after "one eye". Again, being picky about canonical things... But pay no mind to me...

"Officers of higher authority stormed into her house knocking over many of her precious collections. She screamed curses as they took her hands and bounded them together. She was accused of thievary, casting spells on the innoucent, and murder of her own kind. The leader of her tribe was furious to find the rare gem in her possesion once an officer handed it over. He pointed his long bony finger in her face and proclaimed her to be the daughter of a demon. With that most dispicable insult he ordered she leave Shawdoe and never return. Regretfully she turned her back on her only home and swore she'd have revenge. "

Misspelled thievery, innocent, possession, and despicable. Needs a comma after "insult" and "Regretfully".

A logical mistake occurs here. Did she explain that it was given to her by some random nomad? I'm sure anyone would have. They could be like, "WE DON'T BELIEVE YOU, GET OUT OF HERE". Something like that is frustrating and constitutes revenge. Just being kicked out without a fight is kind of bleh.

"'They'll regret what they have done to me. I will not be known as a belittled criminal,' she returned to the desert with shaking fists of fury."

", she returned to the desert with shaking fist of fury.'" sounds a bit odd. I dunno if there's a grammatical mistake or something similar, but it's not very stylish. And I'm not sure what you're trying to communicate there. Are her fists shaking in rage, or is she shaking her fist at something? Fists of fury is also a bit of an overused phrase and sounds a bit cheesy after awhile, in my opinion.

"She had divised a carefully made plan with every feeling of hate she had for the people of Shawdoe. First she promised herself to find out more about the mysterious gems. The day she held that one jewel she had felt a power not of the ordinary. It sunk into her fingers spreading through her entire body. Never had she felt so strong, fearless, in control of so many pointless lives. The energy she received did make her feel some happiness. Suddenly she had the craving for more. She needed it to obtain more. As a result she would travel to the far land in the east. There, she figured, was the place to find the mighty jewels."

Misspelled devised. Sunk should be sank, I think. In the sequence describing the power she felt, the commas should be semicolons, unless you put "and" before "in control of". I find this paragraph a bit... I dunno, cliche... Sounds vaguely like Inuyasha, in fact...

"Once finding the gems and containing their power she would raise her own army. She would force strength and the same hate she possesed for the people of Shawdoe into her troops. Surely they would loyaly follow her into battle. Once in her power they would charge into her homeland taking everything they had taken from her. She visioned herself burning, destroying, killing all of those who betrayed her and dared to bind her hands. After winning the war she would take Shawdoe's throne, forever ruling it all. There would be none to stop her. "

Here's where I would like to know who she is... You used the personal pronoun a LOT. Break it a bit. "The woman", "The malevolent mind behind this plot", whatever-her-name-is, would work much better. "She" only goes so far.

"A grin emerged around her lips. Discovering the suffering of others pleased her some reason. She was never sure how she recieved the desires and feelings she had. Never had she had parents like most children. She knew nothing about her family or where she had come from. One day a Shawdoen found her abandoned when she was only three years old. The curious Shawdoen found a perminant eye mark on her left ankle revealing that she was one of his own race: a Sheikah. Sheikah lived in queit communities occasionally seperating to serve a royal in other lands. They believed in the arts of shadow spirits and used the darkness to aid them. The man was surprised to find a toddler alone in their dark woods and brought her back to his trible village. There he left her to be raised in a home with many other lost children where she was named Nivara. She continued living in the lost house until she reached sixteen. Then she worked for a local merchant cleaning and selling goods."

Misspelled received, permanent, quiet, tribal, and separating. "a royal" should be royalty; it's much more fitting.

A bit of a nitpick at character development; it's really hard to feel sorry for this character when she apparently wants to hurt a bunch of people. I understand the psychology, but if you intend for this to be one of the main characters, most audiences like a character they can sympathize with. Nobody likes a main character who everyone calls an incompetent jerk, am I right?

"Nivara differed from many of the other Shawdoe folk. When practicing with the shadows she sometimes summoned terrifying creatures from other worlds. It would take days to months just to dispose the monsters. She never understood how she could create such unworldly beings. Some called her a witch while others said she was created from a devil. The insults didn't offend her like most children. She actually enjoyed it when others called her a monster. By doing so it created fear in the people."

... OK, I'm not sure where you're going with this.

"Fear was something Nivara learned when she was five. She was playing with other children when one of them started to argue with her about the game. She rose her hand forgetting hitting was forbidden. The other's eyes widened and his mouth dropped. Before she struck him her eyes imediatly absorbed his every action. She smiled feeling pleased. With fear she could control a person to do her bidding.The power did not last long. Soon she was punished and thrown into a jail for two years. She supposedly learned she wasn't alowed to inflict such actions on others."

Needs commas after "children", "forgetting". Misspelled immediately and allowed.

"When released she left the lost house to raise money for herself. Another power she discovered was people would do anything to receive something of value. Nivara decided to test this theory on weak, greedy individuals. Again she was punished but it did not stop her from learning more. Now she knew she had to use a little more wit to please herself with the skills of control. In order to prevent punishment she had to show herself as an authority figure. To do that she had to make one suffer. Torturing was another element to help her in her quest for control. It was simple and easy to extract information from inferior beings. It gained some obedience."

Needs a comma after "Again", "punished", "To do that". Also, perhaps authority figure it a bit out of place... Authority figures normally uphold laws and such.

"Shame none of those weaklings defended me we those officers came," Nivara whispered to herself, "They will know their mistake when my knife tastes their sweet blood."

The outcast stopped for camp later that evening. The clouds still hung over her head with continuing claps of thunder. Wind blew stronger blowing every piece of sand in the air. Desert animals came out from their hiding spots to hunt food for the night. They slowly crept pass the wonderer curious to know who she was.

Misspelled wanderer, needs a comma after "stronger" and "wanderer".

This is odd. Strong winds and thunder. Animals don't normally hunt in harsh conditions. Perhaps you could give that an air of mystery.

"Though she was cold, Nivara never built a fire. She threw her cloak down and gazed into the sea of sand. The tight black leather pants and strapless top she wore made her freeze even more, but she didn't seem to care. She wasn't ever concerned about the cold. She preferred to freeze than die in the warmth of the sun. In the ice was where her heart belonged and she swore it would never change."

I liked the last few lines. That's all I can say.

"Her ruby eyes scanned to desert as though there was something to look for but she wasn't sure if it could be found. Something is familiar about this area, she thought. The blank desert, the coldness in the air, the storms that never ceased, Nivara felt she had something in common with all of them. It was as if the desert whispered her name. It soothed her tortured mind. She wasn't sure but she felt as though she were safely home."

Comma after "but". Thoughts are normally italicized. Semicolon after "ceased".

Seriously... Hard to sympathize with a power hungry jerk...

"The wind swooped up her long hair forcing her to turn so she could see. As she faced the opposite direction she noticed a large bird sitting on a nearby cactus. It appeared to be larger than a normal sized human, its eyes were well rounded and yellow, it had few black and brown spots on its white face with brows big enough to sit tiny birds, the stomach was white while the rest of its bod was a dark brown. Nivara looked into its eyes thinking it was almost human. She shivered as she saw those same eyes stare into her soul. With a scowl she turned to her side refusing to have a staring contest with such a worthless creature."

A problem with parallelism. See, the basis of parallelism is that of style. If you're going to have a sequence of things, use the same intro to them. It adds more flow to your writing. So if I were to describe a sofa, I would say something like, "It was soft, it was brown, and it was comfy." See how I used "it" to begin each new description. That's parallelism. Needs a comma after "its eyes", "scowl", and "side". Also, I can't stress how grateful I am that you understand the possessive form of "it". I've dealt with many who fail in that department...

"Who," she suddenly heard the bird say.

"Go away rutty owl," Nivara snapped then pretended she was more interested in a lizard.

"Who," the owl said again.

Nivara turned so her back faced the creature. Annoyingly her hair blew back into her face with the wind.

"Who," she heard once more.

Clenching her fists Nivara whirled around with a red face. Her teeth angrily bit down together as she practically shouted through them. "What do you want!?"

"Who," answered the owl. It did not flinch nor show any sign of running at the sound of her shrieks.

"Who?" Nivara repeated loudly, "I'm a traveler you bloody bird! Nothing more!"

"Is that what you wish me to believe?"

Rofl. OK, this is just nitpicking again, but most representations of owl's calls are "Hoo", especially in the case of Kaepora Gaebora, unless one wishes to make a pun at identity. Needs a comma after "Go away", "snapped", "Annoyingly", "fists", and "traveler". Also, this seems a very unrealistic action for someone to take unless they are mentally unstable, but I suppose she might very well be...

Nivara froze. Did he just say something? She didn't understand how it could talk. Every animal she had ever seen never knew speech. Perhaps this was no mere owl. It's size was defiantly larger than a normal bird of its kind. She unclenched her fists but narrowed her eyes as she and the owl continued to watch each other.

"Tell me traveler, where do you head?" asked the owl.

"Why does it concern you," Nivara replied harshly.

"Oot hoo, so did that mean I should be?"

Nivara paused unsure of how she should answer him. There was something about the bird's wisdom. She felt it was in her way some how. Grinding her teeth she gave him a threatening look but once again he showed no fear. This angered the wonderer. Being an animal he should at least quaver by her menacing glances.

"Ooo whoo hoo," the owl met her with his all-seeing eyes, "The land to the east is Hyrule traveler. Let me give you a bit of advice before you decide to go on. Hyrule is a prosperous kingdom with a strong people. It grows each day with a lasting peace. If threatened it does not fall easily. Disturbing the elements that make it stand will raise a greater good. If one brings fear into this land another will fight to stop it. A pure mind fears nothing nor begs for mercy. With courage and wisdom a hero shall diminish any power that makes the land of Hyrule bleed."

Hmm. Well, it's quite obvious she was unaware it could speak. And I think you misspelled "definitely", though defiantly could be used if the bird were actually growing to defy other birds... Needs a comma before "but". "'Why does it concern you,'" needs a question mark. Commas are appropriate in many quotes, but exclamations and questions definitely needs the marks to go with them. Comma after "paused", before "harshly", after "teeth", "look", "animal", "Hyrule", "threatened", "land", "nothing", and "wisdom". Misspelled wanderer again.

References to Link, or similar heroes... Very noble description of Hyrule, though. A canonical issue, Hyrule is not just the castle and town, it is literally all of the world explored in throughout most of the Zelda games. This includes Zora's Domain, Gerudo Desert, etc. Depending on your portrayal of the Gerudo, Hyrule itself might not totally make a stand. Hyrule Castle Town and Hyrule Castle are just the headquarters of the kingdom, I suppose...

Before Nivara could speak the owl spread his wings and embarked into the sky. She watched him slowly disappear in the dark night breaking through the dark clouds. Light of the moon broke through the storm letting the bird travel in peace. His words were like a sword stabbing into her heart. They stung like the poison of a venomous snake. Why they hurt her so badly she did not know. Was it advice or was he warning her?

Nivara spat onto the ground then crushed the observing lizard with her hard boot. It never had the chance to run or scream out in pain. She wasn't going to let that happen. If she wanted something done right she had to be quick and sneaky. The lizard easily failed to see his oncoming death. Nivara smiled to herself realizing she had learned another element of control.

"Foolish owl," she purred picking up the remainder of the lizard with two fingers, "No one will stand in my way. If anyone dares to defy me I swear to crush them with the powers I posses."

One does not embark into something, one normally embarks onto something. Like embarking on a quest, to use the most generic phrase. Needs a comma after "speak", "night", "storm", "ground", and "right'.

Foolish owl, rofl. Reminds me of the Tootsie Pop commercials. You remember, right? "Hey, Mr. Owl. How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop!?"

"Let's find out. A-one, a two-hoo! A-three! *CRUNCH*"

"How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW."

Alternatively, it reminds me of, "Silly Rabbit! Trix are for kids!"

...

*Looks side to side nervously*

Anyways, *Sweatdrop*, it seems you're suffering from severe lack of commas and similar punctuation mistakes. And silly spelling mistakes. You should put your things into FireFox while posting and look for mistakes such as those.

Personally, I find the plot a bit meh. It reminds me of Inuyasha with a hint of Naruto, no offense.

You could get better with description, as well as use of personal pronouns. (I mean, jeez, how many times must we look for this character's name? I had to scroll up like a mile.)

As I said, I'm not a fan of fan fics where an entirely new place never before mentioned in Zelda is apparently common knowledge. And don't explain it all... If there's a Sheikah village, then add mystery to it. People wield magic and are scarce in the land. Dress it up.

To be honest with you, I think this is a bit average... I really hope you can get better and I urge you to try a bit harder. Think out dialogue and storytelling. Every place that sounds like there's a pause, there most likely is one. Humans do not talk with spaces in between their words, unless there is punctuation, after all. If-I-were-to-type-like-people-speak, you'd-get-this, see?

I like how you put more effort into it than most writers. You know, writing out everything long and trying to be descriptive, but it doesn't reach "that area", you know?

And please,

Don't paragraph with two empty lines in the middle. A single line breaks space and monotony, but two just wastes page space.

Thanks for reading,

Sahaqiel

PS - Holy gawd, I just wasted a bunch of time posting on a thread that is almost a year old.