The Legend of Zelda : Link's Return

[MasterIckolas 2]

Plz Comment!!!!!!!!

****Disclaimer****

I do not own the Legend of Zelda. I am a fan with my own thoughts about the games. All rights of characters, names, and titles go to Nintendo.

------------------------------------------------------

The Legend of Zelda: Links Return - Chapter 1: The Long Road at an End

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

Link, The Hero of Time; savior of Termina; and very tired traveler, travel back to Hyrule was nearly over. It had been almost three years when he first left Hyrule. Now sixteen, all he could think about was just getting back to Hyrule Castle to let everybody know he had returned, mainly Princess Zelda he wanted to inform.

"Geez, I think this road got longer Epona" Link said to his faithful horse, who just kind of nodded in agreement.

It was dawn when he arrived at the Castle Town drawbridge. But just as he got there, he collapsed from his extreme fatigue. Lucky for him a soldier saw him fall and rushed out to fetch him. Every soldier in Hyrule had been informed of what Link looked like, just incase he returned. It took the soldier a whole three seconds to see that it was Link.

"Oy, Get the carriage over here quick! I just found Link!!!!" the soldier screamed.

"What did ya say? Did ya say you found Link, the 'little hero?" another guard called back.

"God dam it, yes I did!!!!!! Just get the puppying carriage over here will ya."

Two minutes later, Link was on the carriage on the way to Hyrule Castle.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

Half past six in the morning, Impa knocked on Princess Zelda's bedroom door.

Grouchy from being woke up said "What do you want Impa, I was asleep" Looking over at the clock "And I don't get up for another half hour"

"Just thought you would like to know that Link just showed up." Said Impa, with a voice that made it sound like Link was waiting for her down in the kitchen.

Zelda stood up, grabbed her robe, and opened the door all in less than thirty seconds

"Impa, this better not be a joke. Remember what happened on my birthday?"

The entire castle had played a very humors joke on Zelda for her sweet Sixteen.

"No, this is the real thing. Just follow me, and be quite."

Impa had to run just to catch up with Zelda. There wasn't word to describe her feeling's. Link was home, not in some far off land, but here in her castle.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

Zelda did quietly open Links door, and was shocked to see a doctor standing over Link. This got Zelda very worried.

"What is wrong Doctor?"

"Nothing madam, he's just exhausted is all. Looks like he hadn't sleep in days. He just needs some rest is all."

This was a huge relief to Zelda, who was clutching Links hand. Impa walked in and saw that Zelda was just sitting there over Link. Impa closed the door to the room.

"Zelda is a handful. I'll have to keep my eyes on both of them. The King would have mine and Link's head if Zelda started to develop a belly." Impa laughed at this last part. She knew Zelda wouldn't do anything of the sort, but there was always that possibility that it might happen. Impa was walking to the kitchen when she saw the king already at breakfast.

"Impa. Is it true? Has Link really returned?" Impa nodded "That is the best news I

Links_Return___Chapter_One.txt

Edited 3 Jun 2008 by Master_Ickolas (see edit history)

[MasterIckolas 2]

****Disclaimer****

I do not own the Legend of Zelda. I am a fan with my own thoughts about the games. All rights of characters, names, and titles go to Nintendo.

The Legend of Zelda: Links Return - Chapter 2: Link Awaken's

-----------------------------------------------------------

As Link slept, Zelda stayed at his bedside. She even went to sleep there. At mid morning on the second day, Link awoke to find Zelda holding his hand.

"Where am I?" Link said, in an almost a whisper, but enough to wake Zelda.

"LINK!!!!!!!! YOU WOKE UP!!!!!!!" she yelled while jumping at his neck.

"Glad to see you too Zelda, but could you ease up; I can't breathe."

"O!! Sorry Link! I just got over excited!" she squeaked out. She had a smile on her face that lit up Links face and mad him feel like he could do his wild adventures all over.

"How did I get here anyway? Last thing I remember is reaching the draw bridge to Castle Town, and then waking up here."

"Yes, you collapsed from your fatigue. Even hero's need to rest sometimes. You've been asleep for the past two days."

"Ya, I feel like I could eat a pig." Link's stomach let out a very loud rumble.

"I can tell" Zelda giggled. "We can head down to the kitchen and have some breakfast. I'm hungry too."

Link tossed aside the silk covers and found himself dressed in a new, clean green tunic.

"Who dressed me? This new tunic is perfect. Not stinky and worn out."

"You like it?" Zelda squeaked out. "I made it myself while you were asleep."

"Then who dressed me?" Link said, with a tone of embarrassment in his voice.

"One of the older servants. She is old enough to be your grandma. Don't worry."

Relived at this Link said, "Thank you. It's much nicer than the old one. Let's go, I'm starving." he said hopping out of bed.

---------------------------------------------------------------

When Link and Zelda exited the room, Impa showed up.

"Glad to see you up little hero. When did you wake up?"

"Just now. The Princess and me are on are way down to the kitchen for breakfast."

"It's lunch time. I saw the chef making some chicken pot pie for lunch." Impa said. She started to walk away, then turned on her heel and said,

Links_Return___Chapter_Two.txt

Edited 3 Jun 2008 by Master_Ickolas (see edit history)

[Otis McNutt 395]

As fanfics go this ones great. But you seem to be rushing the story some what. Step back and describe events in greater detail. And the language needs some fine tuning I don't think they would modern slang terms and curse words. Is this after OoT, and if so how does everyone know about Link, he defeated Ganon and was then sent back in time and Ganon was arrested and tried by the first sages (TP) and after the failed execution banished to the twilight realm. (if you believe the timeline theorists).

But other than that the art was great.

[MasterIckolas 2]

****Disclaimer****

I do not own the Legend of Zelda. I am a fan with my own thoughts about the games. All rights of characters, names, and titles go to Nintendo.

The Legend of Zelda: Links Return - Chapter 3: Fears of the Past

-----------------------------------------------------

Impa slowly closed the door to her room, locked it, and walked over to her book shelf. She pulled a very large old leather bound book that was titled, "Hero

Links_Return___Chapter_Three.txt

[Naruto1253 0]

I love it!!! But I still don't know if Zelda will have a baby? I really want to know

[Sahaqiel 1232]

ToT...

DISCLAIMER.

I RATE YOUR FAN FICTION ON THE BASIS OF CERTAIN THINGS, WHICH ARE, BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO, REGULAR GRAMMAR STRUCTURE, PLOT STRUCTURE, AND LOGICAL STRUCTURE. THIS IS IN NO WAY AN INSULT TO YOUR SKILLS AS A WRITER, BUT A THOUGHTFUL PROCEEDING I WILL USE TO TRY TO HELP YOU GET BETTER AT WRITING IN THE NEAR FUTURE. CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY YOU HAVE PEOPLE LIKE ME TO CORRECT ANY MISTAKES OR INCONSISTENCIES, AND THAT I TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE SUCH A REVIEW. I DO NOT INTEND TO BE HARSH OR MEAN, AND WILL ONLY STATE OPINION AND FACT HONESTLY TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY. PLEASE NOTE THAT SINCE MY REVIEWS ARE NORMALLY MASSIVE, I DO NOT INTEND TO REVIEW PAST THE FIRST CHAPTER, OR EVEN READ PAST THE FIRST CHAPTER IF THIS STORY MAKES ME LOSE INTEREST IN IT. BY READING A SINGLE WORD IN THIS YOU AGREE TO NOT GET ANGRY AT ME AND GO AROUND RATING MY POPULAR FICS LOW LIKE SOME PEOPLE.

Please consider that I'm the mod who fixed your thread title.

Alright. Time to review in detail.

"Link, The Hero of Time; savior of Termina; and very tired traveler, travel back to Hyrule was nearly over. It had been almost three years when he first left Hyrule.

Even though "Hero of Time" is a title, "The" should be left uncapitalized since it's just an article. The semicolons before and after "savior of Termina" are unnecessary. Commas will do fine. Semicolons are only used when joining two sentences without using and, but, or because. Travel needs to be changed, or you have to change the first sentence into, "Link's, the Hero of Time's, the savior of Termina's, and very tired traveler's, travel back to Hyrule was nearly over." Nothing notes that Link owns "travel" in the first sentence. You could say, "Link, the Hero of Time, the savior of Termina, and a very tired traveler, was almost back to Hyrule."

"Now sixteen, all he could think about was just getting back to Hyrule Castle to let everybody know he had returned, mainly Princess Zelda he wanted to inform."

You may want to consider putting a comma after "Hyrule Castle". This is a very erratic sentence all by itself. The most logical course of action would be to say, "to let everyone know he had returned. He mainly wanted to inform Zelda."

"Geez, I think this road got longer Epona" Link said to his faithful horse, who just kind of nodded in agreement."

There should be a comma before "Epona", and punctuation within the quoted text. "Epona" is just something tagged on the end, which is only necessary for identifying the entity he is talking to, which makes it necessary to put a comma there. There should be a period after Epona because of basic punctuation rules. There should also be a comma after the end quote because it's very jumbled when the quotes flow immediately into the next sentence. "kind of nodded in agreement" is a bit vague and slang-like. "Seemed to nod in agreement" would be better, though it depends on whether or not Epona was actually nodding in response to the sentence as opposed to altering her gait to bob her head up and down because she's tired.

"It was dawn when he arrived at the Castle Town drawbridge. But just as he got there, he collapsed from his extreme fatigue. Lucky for him a soldier saw him fall and rushed out to fetch him. Every soldier in Hyrule had been informed of what Link looked like, just incase he returned. It took the soldier a whole three seconds to see that it was Link."

Link collapsed? He was riding Epona a majority of the trip... Also, you should avoid using "but" at the beginning of a sentence. Combine the two phrases with a comma. "in case" is two words. A semicolon instead of a period would be more appropriate if you put it after "in case he returned".

"'Oy, Get the carriage over here quick! I just found Link!!!!' the soldier screamed.

'What did ya say? Did ya say you found Link, the 'little hero?' another guard called back.

'God dam it, yes I did!!!!!! Just get the fucking carriage over here will ya.'

Two minutes later, Link was on the carriage on the way to Hyrule Castle."

"!!!!!" is EXTREMELY UNNECESSARY. Please put just one or two exclamation points, or at least italicize the shouted text. And I don't think "screamed" would be appropriate. Shouting would suit a soldier, and that sentence, a lot more. Why did you put an apostrophe before "little"? Revisiting old comments, please put commas after closing quotes. Also, (I don't really like cursing, but as long as it helps ya'...) it's spelled "goddammit". And why would he need to say, "yes I did!"? The guard that asked if he found "the little hero" was never noted to be sarcastic or skeptical in any way. "Ya" is appropriate, but there needs to be an apostrophe after it. Cursing doesn't really fit the Zelda atmosphere, in my opinion. Ruins the flow.

Also, you need to be more descriptive. "Two minutes later, Link was on the carriage on the way to Hyrule Castle." There could have been more in that sentence.

In a remarkably short amount of time, Link was being hauled onto a highly decorated carriage, heading towards Hyrule Castle. Epona followed suit with the guards, who were excited by the hero's return.

Description helps a lot. You should use more adjectives and other things. He's the effing Hero of Time. He breaks his backend every game just to help the people who are either helpless or too lazy to help. Just a simple carriage? Hmmf. It shouldn't take two minutes to load such an important person onto a carriage.

"Half past six in the morning, Impa knocked on Princess Zelda's bedroom door.

Grouchy from being woke up said "What do you want Impa, I was asleep" Looking over at the clock "And I don't get up for another half hour"

"Just thought you would like to know that Link just showed up." Said Impa, with a voice that made it sound like Link was waiting for her down in the kitchen.

Zelda stood up, grabbed her robe, and opened the door all in less than thirty seconds"

For a person who doesn't describe a lot of things in general, you sure like to specify time. Also, paragraph spacing every one or two sentences is simply not acceptable. It breaks up your loaf of bread into a pile of crumbs, if you get my metaphor. "woke up" should be "woken up", and there should be a comma before the start of her dialogue. Comma before Impa. (Again noting that it's merely to identify name) There should be a question mark in her sentence, seeing as it's a question. In fact, I think it'd be better if you divided that sentence into, "What do you want, Impa? I was asleep,"

There should be a comma in that since she continues her sentence anyway.

"Looking over at the clock" between your dialogue is very confusing. Who was looking over at the clock? Yes, Zelda was the one talking, but it could have been anything looking at the clock. Also, wait, Zelda stood up?... Wasn't she in bed, rofl? It'd be more appropriate to say, "Zelda leaped out of bed," or something similar, since she's in a hurry. Your sentence implies she stood up on the bed. There should be a comma before "all".

"'Impa, this better not be a joke. Remember what happened on my birthday?'

The entire castle had played a very humors joke on Zelda for her sweet Sixteen.

'No, this is the real thing. Just follow me, and be quite.'

Impa had to run just to catch up with Zelda. There wasn't word to describe her feeling's. Link was home, not in some far off land, but here in her castle."

??

You went so long without using identification commas, and you suddenly decide to now?... Wotev. Moving on, "humors" is the plural form of "humor". The adjective form is "humorous". "Sixteen" is not a proper noun. You use modern slang a lot for a setting that uses castles and swords and things of that nature. Avoid that with passion. You misspelled "quiet".

"There wasn't word to describe her feelings."

Woah now, this sentence is like... It's like doing a donut in the middle of a street and driving in the totally wrong direction. (Rofl, I exaggerated using an analogy. I feel cool.) It should be, "There weren't words to describe her feelings.", or, "There wasn't a word to describe her feelings."

"Wasn't" is used when pertaining to singular things. "feelings" is not singular. And plural forms don't need apostrophes, unless it's an acronym or something similar.

Another thing, Link was in Termina with no communication to Hyrule, so how could she know he was in a far off land? It's not really that far. Unless the way there from the Lost Woods is a huge distance. Just a bit of nitpicking. It's alright, really.

"Zelda did quietly open Links door, and was shocked to see a doctor standing over Link. This got Zelda very worried.

"What is wrong Doctor?"

"Nothing madam, he's just exhausted is all. Looks like he hadn't sleep in days. He just needs some rest is all."

This was a huge relief to Zelda, who was clutching Links hand. Impa walked in and saw that Zelda was just sitting there over Link. Impa closed the door to the room."

"quietly open" should be "quietly opened". You're also very blunt. "This got Zelda very worried"... Well, of course. Be a bit more descriptive. "Doctor" doesn't need to be capitalized. There needs to be a comma before "Doctor", as well. There needs to be a comma before "madam". The doctor has grammar that is applied to the stereotype of a rancher or cowboy... Odd. "he hadn't sleep in days" should be "he hasn't slept in days", seeing as slept is the past form of sleep.

"who was clutching Links hand."

This always confuses me about certain writers. They like to put unnecessary apostrophes in places, but then they don't put an apostrophe where it's obviously needed. Link owns the hand, therefore if you want to say it is his hand, it should be "Link's".

There seems to be little emotion in your writing. Please describe more! Zelda is worried about Link, and Impa is like the guardian mother figure. Why did she leave the room? Was it because she understood that Zelda wanted to be alone to comfort Link, who has not been back in three years?

"'Zelda is a handful. I'll have to keep my eyes on both of them. The King would have mine and Link's head if Zelda started to develop a belly.' Impa laughed at this last part. She knew Zelda wouldn't do anything of the sort, but there was always that possibility that it might happen. Impa was walking to the kitchen when she saw the king already at breakfast.

'Impa. Is it true? Has Link really returned?' Impa nodded 'That is the best news I’ve gotten in years.'"

"a mine and Link's head"... I'm not familiar with the saying. Wait, there are mines, AND modern sayings, too?... You seem to be pulling a bunch of modern stuff into this fic. King is a title like "mom" or something similar. If you say, "the king", then it's not capitalized. If it's just, "King", then it is capitalized. "she saw the king" needs a comma after it. Replace the period after "Impa" with a comma. Commas before/after quotations.

'Impa. Is it true? Has Link really returned?' Impa nodded 'That is the best news I’ve gotten in years.'

This is really confusing. Who is talking? Impa or the king?

'I think you should know that Zelda is watching over Link. I was just coming to collect her breakfast. I wouldn't dare tear her away from Links bedside right now.'

This is what you're implying every time you don't use an apostrophe to identify that Link owns whatever he has. You are saying that links, like links in a chain, are somehow describing the bedside. Please replace it with "Link's".

""Good Idea. Last thing I need is a pissed off princess. Remember her birthday?" The king shudder at the though. Zelda had almost ran off on her own to look for Link after that prank. It took a lot of apologizing and lots of expensive gifts to keep her in the castle.

"'Don't worry sire, there won’t be any hanky panky on my watch' Impa added on her way out

The king only laughed at this. 'I hope not. I don't feel like becoming a grandfather!'

Impa laughed at this.'"

Please check for missing periods...

And Impa seems to laugh a lot. It's a very unenthusiastic laugh. Did she laugh sarcastically? Happily? Funnily? What? I just imagine her going, "Heh..."

And oh my God. asdlfkjsdh;

"hanky panky"... *Shivers*... Please, never again. Stop using modern slang, please. I beg of you...

Also, you should probably credit Nintendo in your artwork, or whoever did that background image of Link and Zelda together, if you're going to credit people. "Useing" should be "using".

I'm sorry, you've lost my interest. The first impression is a bit bad and the plot that I've seen so far isn't captivating much at all. The most interesting thing I saw in it was the inexplicable disappearance of Epona, and that was like some kind of weird sarcastic interest. But you can improve if you follow my advice.

Please... Please follow it...

I won't rate you, since I don't like bringing people's ratings down, and I believe that this fan fic deserves two out of five.

Please consider how much time this took. My mind is numb and my arms are sore from having to do so many things today, reviewing just being one of them.

I care about your progress. So take the advice to heart.

Sahaqiel

[Wally 0]

cool story i hope to read more soon