Link of Twilight

[Naruto1253 0]

Chapter 1: The Beginning

[Sahaqiel 1232]

Chapter 1: The Beginning

“HEY!!! STOP THAT KID!!!!” yelled a shopkeeper in Castle Town. A kid held a bottle filled with gold and was running as fast as he could, huffing and puffing. Suddenly, he bumped into a young man. He was wearing a green tunic with a matching hat. A sword shining in the mid-day sun and a shield with a Hyrule marking engraved in the middle. “Watch it Mister!!!” yelled the boy, rubbing his head. “I really think you should return this bottle.” The young man said, smiling. “What right do you have to tell me what to do?!” screamed the child, picking up the bottle. But all the man did was smile. “Well?! Answer me!!!” yelled the kid. “HEY YOU!!! GRAB THAT KID!!!!” yelled the shopkeeper, running, pushing and shoving through the crowd. The young man looked up to see the owner was approaching closer. “Oh no!!” yelled the boy. He was about to run, but he stopped and gave the man the bottle back. “I’m really sorry I took this.” The boy said and ran off. A piece of his ragged clothing blew off his filthy shirt. “This boy is homeless.” Thought the young man, squeezing the bottle tighter. “Huff, Huff! Thanks! Can I have the bottle back?” said the shopkeeper, running towards him. “Sure.” Said the man, handing him the bottle.

**********************

“LINK!!!!!!!!!” yelled Zelda, running through the crowd. As she was passing people, they w

Despite disliking your name heavily, Naruto1253, I have read exactly up to that point. That's right. That W. What could it be? I'm assuming "would" or "waved".

In any case, I have to take a shower. I shall return and review your fiction upon returning, and I'll give you my first glances...

For one, you actually try to use proper writing mechanics such as proper punctuation and spelling, which is good, but there are some flaws. For instance, when the shopkeeper huffed, he said, "Huff, Huff". Huff is not a proper noun, so please try to avoid unnecessary capitalization. You also have a lot of excess punctuation in there, too. You use more than two exclamation points, which could simply be shortened into one or two. Two would mean that putting the entire sentence in caps would suffice, at least, to me it does.

Another thing is that, scrolling down, you typed a wall of text. I think I might have seen some breaks here and there, but since on forums the tab key is pretty much useless and spaces don't show up in excess, you should break your fiction into manageable chunks. And don't just go into your story and press enter at a random space in punctuation. Try to sort paragraphs by the topic it is currently on.

You've captured my interest somewhat, making a reference to the bottle-thieving girl in Wind Waker, but for now, I shower.

I'll be back to review the whole chapter, I promise. =)

Sahaqiel

P.S. - If someone posts, then I could post a full review apart from this one and then I wouldn't be penalized for double posting. Please, someone, post!

SAHAQIEL'S POST PART II

Meow... Erm...

Yus. Your story telling is very lacking. You break everything into sentence fragments and you spelled Ganondorf's name horribly wrong. You also need to stop using caps so much. Many instances in your writing can be compensated by using italics instead of capitalization.

Another thing you must knows is that a conversation between two characters follows rules. One is that whenever the people speaks, a new paragraph must be started.

For instance:

"Hello."

"Hey."

"Hello." "Hey." is confusing and would really mess a person up if they bought a dialogue heavy book with this flawed style.

I personally stopped reading shortly after chapter 2 because the transition between Link and Wolf Link was so blocky and stiff. It had no drama in it, or any useful or interesting adjective use.

Suddenly, Link grew a tail. Then he grew a rather large nose. And finally his body morphed. “EEEEEKKKK!!!!!!” screamed Zelda. Guards came rushing in. “What the-“ said one of the guards. Link turned into a wolf!

The use of the word suddenly is a good one, at times. But here, it's just a bit lazy. (Also, note that the nose is the last thing that the Twilight Realm transformed in Link in Twilight Princess.)

But here's how I see it.

Suddenly this. Then that. Finally, this.

It all seems so bland. Try spicing it up a bit, c'mon.

Link's expression transitioned from that of a sick person to that of a person in deep inner pain. Were the shadows playing tricks? The little light that encompassed the room highlighted the boy's features; a regular youth. Zelda approached him with concern. Link gestured with difficulty for her to stay away. "Don't come any nearer!", he said, with a voice that rang with ferocity. Swiftly his human demeanor was changed into a more rugged one; a disposition that could only be described as animal. Link fell to his knees, unable to keep his balance on two legs, which were gradually getting shorter. Fur sprouted by from his body and his face grew longer. His eyes became fierce and canine. A tail emerged from his clothing. Link writhed in agony, his head spinning something awful. When this was done, the man who was once a farmboy was now a beast. Link was now a wolf.

This creates atmosphere. With no atmosphere, there is no air to comfortably breath in.

Wolf Link opens his eyes quickly. A huge wave of twilight blasts through everything. The guards turned to light spirits. Only Zelda remained normal, because of the cloak

Link is still Link, no matter if he is a wolf or not. And you might want to further explain the cloak. Is it magical? Does it have special properties, markings, etc.? For all the reader knows, it's just a regular cloak that was laying around.

You have a lot of room for improvement. Just try to step it up...

Sahaqiel

[link959 0]

Is that it?