The Legend Of Zelda : The New Adventures

[The Biggest Zelda Fan Ever 0]

Chapter One

The Storm

Rain poured down . Thunder like drums, it awokened Link on the and Tetra. "What a stormy night" Said Tetra, almost half asleep. After that Link said "Don't worry it should be over by the morning, Princess Zelda." "I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT" Tetra yelled. Just then the rain stopped and they went back to sleep. The Next Morning they woke up and went to the deck to see if there was any damage. "No damage I see." Said Link. Just then a huge island came out of nowhere and the boat crashed into the island. "Oh no! Wer'e trapped!." Said Tetra as Link went to explore the island. Then a few minutes later they found Hyrule Castle. "Could it be?" Said Link. Just then he heard Tetra scream and went looking for her. Then Ganondorf contacted him telepathically "You will never find me little boy.". "Could this be!?!" Link Thought.

End Chapter

Well i'll continue if every body likes

[Sahaqiel 1232]

"Rain poured down . Thunder like drums, it awokened Link on the and Tetra."

"Rain poured down" is a bit blunt. Be a bit descriptive.

The billowing storm clouds poured forth, releasing a torrential downpour that abused the seas.

Adjectives. Are. Good.

Also, a space before a period? What?

"Rain poured down." See? No space required.

You spelled awakened wrong. And you're forgetting a noun in between "the" and "and". Link was apparently on the "and".

"'What a stormy night' Said Tetra, almost half asleep."

Well, the dialogue needs punctuation too. Put a period after "night". And "Said" doesn't need to be capitalized. Put a comma after the quotation mark. Again, be more descriptive. How did she wake up? Did she get startled and jolt up? Did she slowly rise to the sound of rain and thunder? What?

"After that Link said 'Don't worry it should be over by the morning, Princess Zelda.' 'I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT' Tetra yelled."

"After that" is unnecessary. Probably need a comma before the quotation. You need a semicolon in between "worry" and "it". Also, when dialogue between two characters starts, you need to start a new paragraph. "Don't worry it should be over by the morning, Princess Zelda." "I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT" is very confusing.

"This is how it's properly done."

"You see?"

Try to refrain from using ALL CAPS in a sentence. You could easily tell it's an exclamation if there were an exclamation mark. And not eight exclamation marks, just one or two.

"Just then the rain stopped and they went back to sleep. The Next Morning they woke up and went to the deck to see if there was any damage. "No damage I see." Said Link."

This is extremely blunt. Just then. Suddenly. It doesn't flow. "The storm dissipated without warning." Even that would be better. Next Morning doesn't need to be capitalized since "Next Morning" is not a proper noun. You need a comma before "I see" and a comma before "Said", which, again, doesn't need to be capitalized.

"Just then a huge island came out of nowhere and the boat crashed into the island. 'Oh no! Wer'e trapped!.' Said Tetra as Link went to explore the island. Then a few minutes later they found Hyrule Castle."

You need to lengthen these bits of your story. Adjectives and description are two extremely useful things to use to lengthen and sharpen your fan fiction.

A behemoth mass appeared in front of their path, which was previously occupied by nothing but empty ocean. Their ship rocked violently as it collided forcefully against the offending land. Link and Tetra, both staggering on the ship's deck, righted themselves and looked out to shore. Their ship was wrecked; there was no escape.

"We can't get the boat off the shore!", Tetra yelled, continuing on to shout commands to the crew. Link eyed the island and hopped off the beached ship. Calling the others to him, they left in a group towards the central portion of the island. A tower loomed over the trees, and the band of pirates (Plus one hero) cautiously wandered towards the beacon. In the short time they explored, they found grand castle, lavishly decorated on the outside, with vines crawling lazily over the walls.

(I have no idea how they would know it's Hyrule Castle, so I didn't say anything about it. Seriously, be more descriptive.)

So they walked into an island nobody saw before, and found Hyrule Castle? How do they know it's Hyrule Castle? It's just... there.

"'Could it be?' Said Link. Just then he heard Tetra scream and went looking for her. Then Ganondorf contacted him telepathically 'You will never find me little boy.'. 'Could this be!?!' Link Thought."

You use "Just then" a lot, don't you? I can't stress enough how much more descriptive you need to be. The story is more than a bit rushed and dull without description. If you have the ability to describe, don't be lazy. You are just WAY too sudden. Ganondorf contacted him. Oh wow! This was unexpected! Don't give it away as soon as it happens. If Link didn't expect it, make him skeptical. If I heard the voice of someone I stabbed in the forehead with a sword as big as me, I would think, "Hmm. Maybe I should listen a bit more to find out if this is really the dude I stabbed in the forehead a while back. The voice sounds familiar. Check. But I have no identification on him. I'll wait until he says he's Ganondorf, or wait until he gives some cryptic hint that makes me know it's Ganondorf." Put a comma after "never find me". Don't capitalize thought. It's not a proper noun.

"You will never find me, little boy."

"Could this be!?", Link thought.

This could be better if you describe more and don't rush. The plot doesn't have any mystery in it besides Ganondorf and the island's appearance, which all seemed too blunt.

It's like...

This happens.

That happens.

ISLAND!

This happens.

HYRULE CASTLE!

That happens.

Tetra screamed!

GANONDORF!

It's a bit of a hodgepodge of revivals and oddly appearing isles.

You can get better! Do not take this negatively! I mean no offense!

Just take the advice and try a bit harder.

Sahaqiel

[Wicker Basket 2]

Meh... There are good stories, and there are bad stories. The bad ones get replies telling the writer they have talent and get high ratings for no apparent reason (idiots), and the good ones get praised a lot and the writers entertain people with more chapters (yay Sahaqiel).

Edited 3 Aug 2008 by quazy1 (see edit history)