I'm getting worn out.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

So I don't know, last year was a really great year for me. My favorite, in fact.

I just browsed through my old threads and discovered parts of myself I had sort of just forgotten.

I have remarked upon myself that my personality changes a lot from one place to another, and for some reason, I never like my most recent self, which I regard as a different person than the last. My earlier years were marked by hyperactivity, instability, adventure, and lack of care for my physical well being.

Maybe it's because of the heavy wear and tear I've been going through emotionally lately, with the many extremes between unrest and unhappy thoughts, but my constant euphoria has started to slip. My posts aren't as lighthearted. I have started to look at things condescendingly, without warmth. I'm less wont to post threads out of spontaneity. My branches of friendship are overlapping in places unknown to me at the leaves, and not knowing about it or being a part of it really makes me feel lonely. I've actually thought of abandoning friendships or leaving them be without trying to mend them, and the action would have taken place if it weren't for some lucky coincidences.

If it was ever a secret to you guys, I have felt for a few years something I can imagine clear as day when I'm happy, and that is a connecting thread between myself and everyone in the world. My feelings of love and warmth, and my want to empathize with them and let them know I love and care for them. This is partially how I cope with having no one specific lover, as I don't believe such a thing exists for me. Lately, the threads have been cut to satisfy other needs, and I've become distant with not only others, but with myself. My negative feelings are taking over who I was, and I'm afraid of being unable to return to that self.

I associate this with, possibly, my intense desire to hone my skills, and to meet deadlines, and to prioritize. I used to get a bunch of requests to do things with other people, and then try to sort them out to make them perfect so everyone would be able to hang out. Now, I let my friends decide, and I have taken whole days of my weekend for myself. I want so badly to become great that I'm being greedy for knowledge, and that has been prioritized over the people I may not see ever again, like my stepbrother.

Which is another thing. Many of my significant friends have scattered to the winds, and it will only get worse after I graduate high school. Just before senior year started, it was like I accidentally selected "New Game". My stepbrothers were both gone, my mother had essentially become a single parent who argues with her partner with physical violence, T1G and pheo left for college, and I had to support relationship drama to my emotional exhaustion. Later in the year, many of my senior friends graduated early. This didn't help at all.

Despite all this, I labeled that summer, "The Summer of Sameness". My personality has consistently changed over every summer, whether it be by the places I go, the people I'm with, or by the isolation I keep to. The pattern is that I become more mellow and serious, but I felt like I'd kept my seventeen year old self intact and resolute. The right mix of serious and casual, heavy and lighthearted. But I've been growing more cynical, and more hostile, and more exhausted. Hyrule.net's user base is ushering in new people to take up our mantles, but I feel out of place with them, even if I want to befriend them. Even if I befriend them, they're simply not as much fun lately, and some are legitimately irritating.

Rather than living high on life as I had done previously, I'm forced to take up a campaign of self convincing in order to make myself more outwardly and inwardly happy. Even so, as I walk through the hallways, I can't help but feel I exude a sort of sinister air, like my cynical and grounded way of thinking has taken the physical form of a smiling teenager who doesn't have a face. I no longer just laugh when people are disturbed by my appearance, I remark upon the person who said it internally with degradation. I form an image of a negative thing, rather than a positive one. It's no longer automatic to just feel uplifted when I do the things I feel like doing. I don't act out. I don't try to get attention. I really don't try. I do what I feel like, and the results are just bonus. Which leads me to my next qualm with myself, my ego.

As it stands, I have been less tolerant about personal insults, and I've been really spiteful. And I don't really like bashing on Joshizzle any more than necessary, but I see him in myself sometimes, and frankly, I would rather it stay as far away from my inner feelings as possible. I've made snide, sarcastic comments with sincerity, and my actions reflect some of this.

For instance, pheo looked at a thread of mine recently and didn't read the story within it. I still don't think he has. Then he looks at a thread I made that is inherently comedic, and didn't praise it at all, instead remarking upon the subject matter to other people, as if I wasn't there, and it wasn't funny.

I really doubt he was trying to inadvertently hurt my feelings like that, or purposely, rather, but normally, I should have bore with it and kept it away from my perception of our friendship. However, he and kaffles also got accepted for roles in someone's fan dubbing of Homestuck, for which I sort of tried out for too, and I assume I wouldn't get in with a revised audition, since I feel the recruiter is biased to her friends (/self) and patronizing about how I did on my audition. pheo later sent me a voice recording of his and another voice actor's dialogue, and I downloaded it, but didn't listen to it at all, (still yet) and questioned why he thought I would be interested in this.

I felt it was a really acid tongued comment, and I'm glad he didn't remark any ill feelings towards it, but it is still crawling in my skin how bitter I've been. Recently, Ganny has interacted a lot with people from my area, and I feel left out for not being a part of it. My friends are forgetting me on their invite lists, and sometimes, I feel like if I didn't already complain about it, I would be the last to know about plans.

I have been having strains on the relationships I have with my friends, too, whether they be real or just my imagination. More people than I previously would have thought. I have two friends, Isabel and Rachel, that were suddenly hostile and distant from me when I neglected to talk to Isabel for a couple weeks, and this was followed by them both being somewhat hostile and avoidant of me for a week or so. I'm just now patching this up. I feel sour towards Phanta because of my negative perceptions. I feel like Soap and Pleuey getting more distant from me. pheo is being distant and less considerate. Cirt reportedly hates me now, in short, angry bursts. Kimmy is being condescending to me. I recently had discrepancies with Tappy, and I have tried a few times to get him to talk to me more to no avail. Kaffles and I have had this big block in friendship normalcy that often sprouts a lot of intensely negative feelings that we persist in trying to get through. I still haven't sent LL that letter.

I want it to end with everyone happy, but I can't be happy unless everyone else is happy with me, and I can't do that if my methods of happiness are changing, because I won't know how to be happy.

My method of keeping my ego in check, which is to constantly mentally berate myself, which is a product of mental instability I had earlier in life, will only work if I am already happy. If I'm unhappy, it only serves to make me feel worse and make me feel full of myself and more important for no reason. At the same time, my cynical side makes me feel like I'm just another common person who isn't anything special to anyone else. My berating voice responds by telling me I will never succeed in my goals.

These are honest perceptions I hold and I don't want any of this to be like that. I don't know if how I have changed is what caused this, or is a direct cause of all of this.

I'm going through an emotional rough-and-tumble, and I came to you guy to tell you I want to do better. I want to go back to how I was, rather than the selfish person I am now, and I felt talking to the people I shaped myself with would be the best option, even though many members have abandoned what was once a carefree place. For my personal happiness, and to make life easier for those who interact with me.

I love you guys.

[Teto 2609]

Oh hey, reading this and I'm like "this is like me but more intelligent?"

Cause that's what I'm getting here tbh

Except I'm not sure on the bitter bit. Am I bitter?

I do linger in threads I post watching the current viewers though (REPLY REPLY REPLYYY DAAMMMMMNNNN YOOOU) (even though, how does anybody reply to anything I post since it's just so INSANE)

ilu2 <3

[Knuckle 484]

Have you ever considered just taking a week off to indiscriminately give to people? Like, just blocking out your thoughts about self-loathing and depression and just do nice things in spite of your raging conscience? Maybe you could join a church mission service like I did? I really think doing stuff like this changes people drastically for the better.

Maybe you should try something like that. Turning frustration and negative energy into a force for making a positive difference works for a lot of people.

[Teto 2609]

Donate your hair to charity like you always said you would never ever ever do

So that a lonely bald man can look like a man in drag, if only for a day. He'd probably be fat. On second thought, don't, I don't want fat drag queens. Do you? I'll let you decide for yourself on that, but I and my opinions deeply resent the idea. DRAG QUEENS? No way! Get them oouutt

[Fortissimo 2]

I think volunteering would be a great idea.

Also, a couple of points you made are how I've been feeling lately, too.

And

I don't like it when friends get distant. :<

[Teto 2609]

I get the feeling that I'm the distant friend when it comes to friends having that problem >:

I only contact a few people, and whenever I get in touch with an old friend, they're the one who initiates conversation.

[Fantasy Panda Dreaming 0]

Even if I befriend them, they're simply not as much fun lately, and some are legitimately irritating.

If I'm one of the legitimately irritating ones, you can just tell me. I won't feel insulted.

I feel like I should have more to say, but I haven't really taken the time to really get to know anyone on the forum. The only ones I know and can distinguish are Pheo, Kimmy, VRS and Harajuku. And that's just because of skype and Facebook.

I would suggest some way to help, but I don't really know you well enough to suggest something that would be something that sounds like something you'd do. (That probably didn't make grammatical sense, but hopefully you understand what I mean)

But yeah, you seem like a pretty cool person. And frustration is no fun.

[Fortissimo 2]

I get the feeling that I'm the distant friend when it comes to friends having that problem >:

I only contact a few people, and whenever I get in touch with an old friend, they're the one who initiates conversation.

Guh, I know how you feel. I'm the exact same way. I never have anything to say even when people contact me, but I can't seem to change being that way.

I miss my highschool friends. I really do. But something always keeps me from trying to talk to them. Maybe I'm just scared, I dunno.

[Cirt 612]

Cirt reportedly hates me now, in short, angry bursts.

This is a rather extreme way to put it, as I don't - and couldn't - truly hate anyone in my life, but I must say that I feel like our relationship has gotten rather strained, Saha. Some things get on my nerves and some things get on your nerves, and in effect, it's led to overall feeling of abrasiveness and dislike. It does make me sad, and I do miss the optimistic you. I know you weren't always like this (and it's probably some of my fault, too) and I suppose that since I wasn't around very much, what was a gradual change was very sudden one for me to observe, and I really didn't like it. And I regret that I acted on that and was spiteful and bitter to you. People do change from time to time, but I think in the end you'll end up as who you want to be.

I can understand how you're feeling, and I'm sure many others can too. A lot of us have gone through this. I'm glad you're coming to terms with what is going on and that you want to change it, as opposed to continuing to fall down this hole. We're here for you Saha, and we'll be patient and forgiving or whatever you need to mend things. I really discourage berating yourself. I can understand its usefulness but I think, sometimes, you need to give yourself a break from the constant self criticism and live on happy impulse. You know, do-good feel-good stuff. It works.

[T1g 1503]

first off i want to apologize about the anime club laptop video call thing going kind of lousy, and i felt kind of bad for not letting you get a chance to talk to anyone because me and chimetals had this insanely tight schedule and had to rush out after the meeting ended. i felt kind of bad for not letting you get a chance to talk to rob, but i'm pretty sure we can find a better time for you to talk to him anyway. If we are lucky we might be able to get this U of I thing to work out because i know a change of scenery would be very helpful for you. and if you cant go to this college we can at least find some way for you to visit for a weekend or something

also if it means anything hanging out with you guys made this last summer the best one i have ever had and frankly getting to be friends with you has been one of the most positive things thats ever happened to me because most of high school was spent in kind of a reclusive state and not really fitting in at all, but you helped me feel like i fit in and since then i have been a lot more outgoing and energetic and have been able to make a lot of good friends and i have been feeling real good about myself.

so yeah thanks for all of that

[T1g 1503]

Behold! You now have a pile of cardboard boxes in which you can discuss your feelings!

[Sahaqiel 1232]

I don't want anyone to feel alienated with me. I'm glad I have such good friends.

Sadly, they denied my application.

I didn't think I would be so crestfallen about this. I was really looking forward to a change in scenery. I don't know where else to go, now.

also lol I have expressed much disdain over my use of cardboard before.

I want to expand my abilities.

[T1g 1503]

dammit that sucks, i was really hoping i could get you into this college

they dont know what they are missing out on

the engineering GOD

[pheonix561 2080]

Well, you could go to some other college for your first year and try to get transferred.

[Kimmy 0]

My friend didn't get into the school she wanted, so she went somewhere else for just a semester. A semester isn't long. And by then she had the grades to transfer.