The Mystery of the Unexplainable Package from Dekalb, Illinois

[Cascade 741]

Disclaimer: Absolutely none of the following photos have been edited. This is nothing but the complete TRUTH. All photos have been spoiler-tagged for your protection. Blame my lack of good cameras, I could not accurately record this event. Read ahead at your own risk.

 

So, today when I got back from an awful shift at work, a strange surprise was waiting for me at home. A bizarre package. There were so many ways in which it was bizarre. I didn't understand anything about what it was and why it was here. Let's look at it together:

 

 

 

Like I said, bizarre? Ignoring the fact that... someone... already attempted to open it, let's just count the ways it's bizarre:

1. Sadly my name isn't Sprinkles MacLollipop. It's only a lame, ugly name like Cascade. Someone must have confused me for their much sweeter friend. shame it IS a cute name
2. I have never heard of a place called "Dekalb, Illinois". Where is that exactly? Nobody in all my interpersonal relationships lives or has travelled to such a place? Same with "USA". Isn't Stirling the only place around? This is just dumbfounding everything I have ever known. The sender/post office seriously have puppyed up here.
3. Who on earth would have a name like "Ben Christianson"? Well lemme tell ya it ain't somebody I'd WILLINGLY associate with. Nor would anyone here be given such a terrible name. Again, what the puppy?
4. Does this package say there's a stuffed toy in there? Did a five year old send this? I'm way too old for this stuff gosh. How did the sender manage to confuse their friend with me?
5. ...How did he know my address? I would NEVER give out such personal information to STRANGERS. Clearly a dangerous person.

 

Anyways, enough rambling. Since I don't know any Bens from imaginary places, I can't really send it back to them. And there ain't any Sprinkles around here, so delivering it to them is also out of the question. So, all I can do is open it and find out what the horrors lurking in it are, right? You're still with me, right? Good. 

...

 

 

There's... so much... PINK... I absolutely hate the colour pink... but sadly, I have to keep going to make sure it's awful and this Ben is not to be trusted.

 

 

It's....

 

This is...

 

It's... so... cute... Although I've always said I've preferred narwhals... but again, I don't know who this Ben is or who he thinks he is... sending me such a cute, pink whale plushie... he sounds like a right tool... idiot...

 

 

I don't think Sprinkles will miss this wee baby whale, do you? Naaaaahhh. What should I name my new pet, guys? Since you made it this far, it deserves to be named by all of you! :3

 

 

No, thank YOU, ben jammin'. I will treasure this whale always... the stranger danger whale... :3 Sometimes puppy-ups can be good things!

 

(probably one the dumbest threads I've ever created BUT. IN ALL SERIOUSNESS. PHEONIX561. Pheonix. Pheo. Ben. This is really awesome and you did not have to get and send me this awesome present just because I stupidly drunk called you one time two years ago and accidentally got charged £60+ for it. The joke's dead now but I gotta say it: you're a GOOD FRIEND. for serious. :> still a total NERD though. but some things will never change...)

[Necropolis 763]

Thats a cool whale.

[pheonix561 2080]

･:*:･⊂(^(工)^)⊃･:*:･

FIND A SCANNER AND SCAN THE LETTER I SENT YOU OR TRANSCRIBE IT

[Cascade 741]

The whale has the same expression that I imagine Pheo wears on his face at all times. Just a big ol' :B i'm a nerd :B :B 

 

HOLY puppy I FORGOT TO EVEN OPEN AND READ THE LETTER I WAS TOO DISTRACTED BY THE CUTENESS OF THIS WHALE. holy shit i will get on that asap

[pheonix561 2080]

WHAT THE puppy GO READ THE WHALE
 

EDIT: I MEAN LETTER ASLIUYW#HO*&GDASKJD

[Sayubie 405]

TSUN

 

(probably one the dumbest threads I've ever created BUT. IN ALL SERIOUSNESS. PHEONIX561. Pheonix. Pheo. Ben. This is really awesome and you did not have to get and send me this awesome present just because I stupidly drunk called you one time two years ago and accidentally got charged £60+ for it. The joke's dead now but I gotta say it: you're a GOOD FRIEND. for serious. :> still a total NERD though. but some things will never change...)<-DERE

Interrogation says he's been holding that whale for a year and a half.

THIS SHIP.

[pheonix561 2080]

I literally meant to send it a year and a half ago too but I just forgot to get around to it hehehehehe

[Sayubie 405]

...You had her address a year and a half ago then? (I was already being carried by a fourteen year old and his six year old brother and you made me DIE. TWICE.)

Edited 1 Feb 2014 by Sawoobie (see edit history)

[pheonix561 2080]

I did not.

Wait, you asked everyone to name it before you read the letter? I specifically wrote in the letter that I never named it because it was up to you to name. Huh. Anyways SCAN OR TRANSCRIBE IT.

[Sayubie 405]

Cascade, hurry transcribing/scanning D:

Edited 1 Feb 2014 by Sawoobie (see edit history)

[Sahaqiel 1232]

Did you hug it, Cascade? Hug it close.

[Cascade 741]

I can confirm that I have snuggled with the whale. The belly rub has been indirectly passed to me. You can all cheer now. ;3

 

Blubberrubber or Poppasaurus for the whale's name?? AKA Team Nabe or Team Saha??

[Sayubie 405]

I vote Poppasaurus. Blubberrubber only so it can be called Blub

[T1g 1503]

My anime club's first meeting is today, I can ask people if they have names if you want

 

(i bet someone has an awesome name)

 

Also, did you remember to check...inside the whale?!?!?

[emsomniac 239]

totally Blubberrubber