Here's something interesting

[Shadowknight 54]

I am rebelling. I am doing everything in my power to resist, shove away the curse disguised as a blessing. It's not something you would expect from me, with my ideals and commitment, yet here I am doing something I never expected to do. What am I doing? Tonight, for the first time, I pleaded with God.

I begged, cried, desperately trying to prevent something from happening. Something that I don't want, but it seems that my wants are irrelevant at this moment. I begged God to make me loveless, to remove the part of me that is reluctantly falling into an undesired love.

It's not something that you'd expect from me, for a few reasons. First, I usually try and go along with things that God puts outside my control, emotions included. Second, I'm usually vouching for commitment, denouncing societies temporary romances and flames for something more serious, deeper. And yet here I am.

Now let me clarify that love isn't the bubbly feeling like you see in movies or books; it's much more complex than that. I long so much to be with her, I feel like I'm being robbed by not doing so. But at the same time, I want nothing more than to not know her, to never have met her. It's the most confusing series of emotions, and I want to be rid of it soon, but I know that won't happen.

It isn't simply a spur of the moment thing, and it's certainly not a "crush" (believe me, I've had enough of those to know what they're like). It's deeper, more caring. I know her hopes, dreams. I know her background, emotions, why she is who she is. Perhaps that was my mistake, perhaps I shouldn't have humanized her. But I did, and now I'm reluctantly falling into the trap I may as well have laid for myself.

The reason I'm posting it here rather than consulting my actual friends? If I told my friends, I have a feeling it would only make things worse. As reluctant as I am to even admit my situation, I know that if I told my friends, they would jump on me and tear me apart, telling me how bad of an idea it is, even if I don't want the idea.

Totally not what I need right now.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

I know how you feel, man. ;/

But honestly, I can't tell you anything except that time heals all wounds.

But scars will be left.

Sahaqiel

[Shadowknight 54]

Yeah, scars are already there. But even with that thick skin, I cannot seem to resist this. And I can't do anything on the other end, either, so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

We're in the same boat, I'd say.

I've also gone through life denying any emotional pulls.

This kind of stuff hits you like a brick. A very large brick that would render multiple bricks unnecessary when building a wall.

Unless you let time figure things out, the only way to get out of it is to satisfy your emotions or get amnesia.

Sahaqiel

[Silent One 2]

That's deep dude, I know how ya feel, alas I dont think I can help.

[Grandmaster Phoenix 26]

I do the "plead with God" thing a lot. Thats mostly when I have a bad day(Most days).

[Shadowknight 54]

As much as I'm fighting this, it doesn't seem to be doing much good. And she certainly isn't helping either, as she's constantly talking to me, texting me, things like that. And it's not like it's going to get any better, because the mission trip that I'm going on in two days is going to require me to be in her company for two full days, then 8 hours each day for 5 days, then two more full days. And since it's a mission trip, we're going to be sharing our testimonies, prayers, hopes, and stories with the group. Basically, God works in mysterious ways. And who am I to argue with such strong coincidences?

That doesn't mean I have to accept it without a fight, though. But I'll be perfectly honest, the harder I fight, the deeper I dig my hole.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

I hope things go better for you than they did for me. ;/

That's all I have to say.

Sahaqiel

[Arcane 12]

I'm sorry. I hope it all works out. I wish I could be more supportive but alas, I really can't say I know how you're feeling. I've never been in that position......

[Shadowknight 54]

Here's my new tactic. I will pray like this until it ends.

Dear Lord, you are great and almighty. You have done everything wonderful for me, and I know that you are always correct, but I would really, really like not to fall in love right now.

...Please?

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Seem good? I didn't think so either. I won't actually use that prayer, I just wrote it for humour's sake, though I will pray that God give me the the strength and mental clarity to get through this situation without too much conflict or pain.

You know, I keep telling myself that summer is going to end, the reason this problem exists is going to move off to college, and I'll get to have my love exactly as I feel it should be. But that's ignorant on my part, because I don't know if my psychological diagnosis is right and she's holding out until the end of the summer for the sole reason of not wanting him to remember her as the jerk. And then once he leaves, things will work between me and her, and I'll have interpreted all of her hints correctly, and we live happily ever after. The end.

But wait! Things are hardly ever that simple. I may be misinterpreting her hints, or maybe she is just the type to flirt with everyone. Maybe this is all supposed to teach me some life lesson about how I don't always get what I want. Maybe the world will end!

The point is, I know what I would like to happen, but I don't know if it will. All I know is that if it does, things will be much better.

[Silent One 2]

Just hope for the best and keep doing what you've been doing, patience. It will all turn out sooner or later.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

I don't know, dude.

Maybe God's busy right now.

Toughen your mental resolve!!

Run up and knee a bear right in the neck!!

The run away, never looking back.

If you accomplish this, nothing can stop you, not even flying volcano raptors.

Problem solved.

Sahaqiel

[Negation 1]

Try another pathway. Maybe Satanism?

No, seriously, all jokes aside, I really didn't understand most of that. What exactly is your problem with this girl?

[Shadowknight 54]

My problem is that I dated her once before. After that ended for reasons that basically destroyed my self-esteem (I got replaced), I held a grudge for a while and didn't talk to her. Then she decided to talk to me, and I'm too polite not to respond, and a week or two after that she got confirmed at church and I ended up standing right up there with her family as it happened (by her mom's invitation. Her parents like me quite a bit), and a few days after that we reconsiled through a very bizarre heart-to-heart, and she's pretty much been constantly talking to me since then, getting into gradually deeper conversations and personal topics.

Then, there's the hints. They really started when she texted me after school one day, saying that they had gone on a field trip to the art museum, which just so happens to be where our second date happened. She proceeds to tell me how it was still very nice, though they changed an exhibit, and then that it reminded her of me. A bit confused as to why she said that, I played it off by saying that I was glad to be associated with such a nice place. She goes on about how it made her recall some very pleasant memories and then talks about the good part of our previous relationship.

And through our many conversations, she doesn't hesitate to talk about how good the good times were, and when the ending comes up, she expresses an obvious regret. And I know her very well, on a deep personal level, and I could explain her probable reasons for replacing me with this specific guy by using Freudian psychology, though exactly what her intentions are at this point are unclear.

[Teto 2609]

My idea is that God writes fate, but he can't rewrite it. I do believe in God, but I don't think he's your go to guy for problems. All you can do is try and fate will lead you wherever it will. If you decide to try and redirect your fate, you can't.

Just wait and see is what I'm saying. You're stuck with your fate.

Edited 11 Jun 2009 by Rain (see edit history)