Our viewing of Hero of Time.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

I don't think we evaluated enough exactly HOW MUCH of a dickbag Link is in this movie.

They keep trying to make him go from manly man to confused youth to complete dickbag to struggling hero to stumbling child.

He totally just bags on Saria's mothership the whole time he's under her and constantly reminds her that he isn't her son and never will be.

He ties that dude up that he's about to rape and just leaves him to die in the forest, and when Link needs information on how to get out of the Lost Woods from him, instead of offering to untie him for the information, he offers to quicken his death instead. In fact, it started with Link knocking the sword out of the tied up dude's hands and wielding it against him with the most jerkfacish manner I've ever seen. The amount of Unwarranted Cool he was feeling surpassed record amounts.

He, instead of just finishing the guy attacking LonLon Ranch off with a sensible, quick death, throws a BLUNT, WOODEN TORCH into his abdomen, which then IMPALES him so hard that blood spatters onto Link's face from literally like 10 meters away. We're talking like, 80% of a baseball bat's diameter. And the other side of it was on fire, so eventually, the guy's slowly dying body would be set aflame. :/

Link never fights fairly with bosses, and uses a run away method, or a hit-and-run method, demonstrated with Chickensquidkrakenrok and Volvagiadragonmonster. During the Bubble (Poe, to the movie) fight, he demonstrates how useless he is when attacking a monster head on by missing every sword swing, with Sheik making the Bubble unable to fight using fire, which Bubbles are apparently afraid of in this movie. He literally kills Volvagia through, supposedly, multiple stabs to the NOSE after just running until rocks conveniently trapped him in place. What's funny is that he was blocking the exit, so Link might have had to cut through him, literally, to get out of the cave.

Don't even get me started with the Ganondorf fight. Sure, the Ganondorf in this movie is also a powerhungry jerkface, but the amount of pointless maneuvers Link used against Ganondorf just to be a douche were astounding.

First off, the Sages were just making this whole affair quite unfair. Once the medalliongems are put into the Mastur Sword with Link causing love interest confusion by cuddling with Sheik, who he believes is some random woman at the time, the Mastur Sword is powered up as it floats in some vague location. Before the Ganon fight, the Sages power the sword AND Link up, AGAIN. Then, after Ganondorf is officially laying the smackdown on Link's face with his FIST, the Sages power him up a THIRD time. It's not impressive Link even fought Ganondorf, because he had no training in swordsmanship and he was on super magic steroids. I could have beaten Ganondorf. A helpless puppy could have.

Link then defeats Ganondorf definitively with some kind of hold and stab method, which was extremely anticlimactic. It wasn't even a definitive ending blow. He stabbed him like three times in a row in, probably, a bunch of vital areas.

Sensing the anticlimax as Link literally starts trying to walk off into the sunset, he decides to make the ending more flashy, despite Ganon already groaning his death throes.

He turns around as if he forgot something, and CHUCKS the Mastur Sword like a throwing knife into Ganondorf's chest. Ganondorf, previously standing, starts kneeling on the ground in pain as he struggles to survive, the sword penetrating him almost to the hilt.

Instead of leaving that abomination to the canon stuck inside Ganondorf, which is more of a Twilight Princess reference than Ocarina of Time, Link hesitates for a bit, probably thinking of the coolest way he can finish this, even though he's greatly wounded.

Wasting his apparently dwindling energy, Link SPRINTS up to the Ganondorf who is kneeling on the ground, jumps onto his back, TAKES HOLD of the Mastur Sword, and jumps off his shoulder, taking the Mastur Sword out of the ALREADY FINISHED OFF Ganondorf, then ROLLS as he hits the ground, turns back at the probably-dead-five-minutes-ago Ganondorf, and Link decides to FALL OVER. That's it. There was no point in taking the sword out of him, making it humiliating by imitating an Italian plumber and finishing him off by jumping on him, and he wasted much needed energy in the process.

To be honest, the "Gerudu" were also being dickbags during this, since they decided to hold Zelda hostage in Ganon's name, even though he's already dead, but Link doesn't bother to tell them that, instead deciding to kill them all, another dickface move. I mean, sure, it's all good, 'cause they were probably planning on raping the weak and uncool Sheik, but Link feels so much unwarranted cool. He gets shot with an arrow, right? This sucks. We all know we wouldn't want to be shot with an arrow. So what does he do against the archer? He DROPS HIS SHIELD. Then he gets shot AGAIN, because the lesson of Arrow = Pain didn't quite sink in, but like a horror movie monster, Link keeps inching towards everyone. THIS DOESN'T MAKE HIM HEROIC. It makes him stupid. If he was fighting an army for his love unequipped in the first place because of how hastily he approached the situation due to not thinking, it would be a bit more heroic. But no, he just drops his shield and expects them to back off because he's so cool. He even grins. Then after he's defeated everyone through his slashing, the sole survivor tries to sneak up on Link and kill him. What does Link do? Turn around, flick his wrist, and cuts the guy's head off, apparently making physics bend to his will in a manner that both allowed such a feeble flick to part a man's skull from his head, along with some vertebrae the sword had to go through, but to also make the head spin three times before hitting the ground.

As a side note, Link didn't mourn Malon's death at all. His expression was that of a guy at a funeral who has better things to do like talk on his cell phone.

I'm sure there are more examples of Link's dickbaggery, but I've been using that term way too much and I can't quite recall everything, so I'll stop here.

Sahaqiel

[T1g 1503]

GOOD GOD WE HAVE HIT LIKE 7 PAGES OF THIS (not counting the pictures)

*Checks it by pasting in word*

NO WAIT ITS 10 PAGES

[Eka 387]

After reading through this topic, I can honestly say that I CANNOT BREATH, DUE TO THE AMOUNT OF LAUGHING WHICH ENSUED FROM ME. XD

Seriously, this topic.

It made my night. XD

[Sahaqiel 1232]

It said "Inspired by".

Which doesn't necessarily mean not based on.

Its plot still conflicted with itself, and the overall quality was rantable, so I believe the notes were justified.

Sahaqiel

[Shadowknight 54]

I watched bits and pieces of this movie, and laughed at almost all of them.

I did see the torch impaling and beheading, and also thought it was funny how they didn't even bother to cover up the name of the church they used for the Temple of Time.

[FreckleFart 0]

This topic made me lol. I think. I can't really remember.

[FreckleFart 0]

Here's the trailer, if anybody feels like laughing at the small amount of clips they show.

Seriously. It's enough.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPTpjK88apc

[randomfan 0]

That is seriously entertaining! Especially the random camel in the middle of Castle Town, and Link shooting an arrow more sideways than forward.

[T1g 1503]

Everyone I have shown this to has gotten a few lols out of it.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

Just in case you goiz didn't read the credits, they spelled it "Gerudo" at first then switched to "Gerudu".

Also, Zelda's Lullaby, which is some random tune we like to refer to as the Super Secret Tree Sodomy Song, is supposed to be a royal secret, but she sings it so loud everyone can hear it in a crowded street. THAT THERE IS SOME GOOD SECRET KEEPING.

Also, while Link is listening to it, and this is where the joke stems from, he does the following actions which can either be interpreted as him loving the tree or him deciding on whether or not he is going to comment on how retarded his Triforce of Sharpie looks.

He goes outside, since he heard singing. So he leans on a tree, full body. He looks softly downward, only at an angle that makes it look like he's looking at the tree. Then he looks away like he can't stand to look at the ToS or he is feeling guilty about how he can't keep on living a life with his secret Tree lover, even though it looks like he is making love to it.

And he does this a few more times like the tree is his lover and he's going off to war.

So we were like what.

Sahaqiel

[pheonix561 2080]

treeeeeeeeeeee sodomyyyyyyyyyyyyy

[Sahaqiel 1232]

I've found another testament to their complete lack of trying with this.

When Link takes off his glove to drink the water, he takes the right one off.

When "Dariu" tells him not to drink his water, it zooms in on Link holding up both hands. The glove moved to his right hand.

They seem to have a lot of directional confusion, which is probably why Link travels in the totally wrong direction when going to Death Mountain even though Death Mountain can be seen from the other side of the world, practically.

I mean it does launch meteors that far.

Also, the gems on the right of the Mastur Sword go to the left of the Mastur Sword after he obtains the medallionspiritsagelaserdiamonds.

Also, when Link climbs up to the Great Fairy of Flame Sage, he demonstrates just how much dexterity he has by TAKING ONE HAND OFF THE CLIFF and putting the Mastur Sword onto the rock floor in front of him, when he couldn't even climb up a fair sized rock face just ten minutes before. Also, that's stupid, 'cause he had a sheath for the Mastur Sword.

Also, Goron royalty is the only group supposed to go in the Fire Temple, and Gorons have their own writing system in this movie, OUTSIDE THE FIRE TEMPLE, yet when Link enters the Fire Temple, there is Hylian writing on the walls.

We've totally confirmed that Link does in fact run out of the Temple of Time without the Mastur Sword and it does magically appear next to his bedside as he sleeps.

You know, I wouldn't bag on the movie so much if they tried a bit harder. I mean they did hand this out to thousands of people.

Incidentally, Nate, for those who know who I'm talking about, also laughed hysterically for multiple minutes with the torch scene, and also thought Sheik was throwing the torch to Link for him to use his Magical Ability of Blunt Impalement.

Sahaqiel

[pheonix561 2080]

You watched it with Nate? Whats the verdict?

[Sahaqiel 1232]

He lold at it pretty much as much as we did.

He thinks it's worse than Dragonball: Evolution.

Which is pretty freaking terrible.

Sahaqiel

[T1g 1503]

My god... I just read that whole Dragonball: Evolution review... I hope that movie ceases to exist at some point due to its crappyness