A dating situation

[Shadowknight 54]

I haven't been single for six months now. Before that, it was kind of just an occasional thing with this girl who I'd been friends with for years, but then we decided to make it "official" back in January. We shared some good times, trips to the zoo and art museum and movies, but I'm feeling a bit stressed over a problem that has grown over the six months we've been together.

See, her father doesn't like me. I'm actually pretty sure it's not personal, it's just that he doesn't like his daughter dating anybody, but he has almost constantly been preventing us from doing anything. When I say anything, I mean anything. I'm not allowed to drive her, meaning her parents have to do so, and they typically don't want to drive her more than five miles. That severely limits any kind of date ideas. Then there's the fact that she can't stay out after 8:30, which is made worse because she's got driving school that goes from 6:00 to 8:00, meaning I can't see her after 5:00. She has Summer school in the mornings from 8:50 to 1:00. We can't do anything outside because her parents have deemed between 9:00 AM and 7:00 PM "too hot."

That has led to what has been called the "invisible girlfriend situation" by my church friends, who have never met her because her father won't let her come to church with me (he thinks she'll stop being Catholic if she goes to a Methodist church one time). They didn't know the full situation when they made the comment, but my mom knew all about it when she asked me, "how can y'all be dating if you never go on dates?" As much as I don't want to admit it, she does have a point. I'm lucky if I get to see her once a month. When I was dating girls who live across town I got to see them more often than that, and I actually still see those girls more than her because I go to church with them.

I guess the problem I'm having is, in a nutshell, this: we rarely get to see each other. I like her, and I want to do things with her, but honestly, I'd rather do things with other people than do nothing at all. And I feel guilty when I do fun things (like swing dancing, one of the things that escalated my thinking about this)without her because I'm having more fun with other people, mostly girls, than I usually do with her.

I know it isn't her fault, and I feel bad about thinking this way because of that reason. But I do have to ask myself what kind of a relationship I'm in if I never get to do things with my girlfriend. Am I a jerk for thinking about ending this? Because that's what I feel like.

Do you guys have any advice or anything? This has been on my mind for the better part of a month now.

[Aethix 129]

You are not a jerk at all for thinking about ending it. You wouldn't even be a jerk if you did end it. You're 16 years old, and you've been with your girlfriend for 6 months. Therefore, you are under no obligation to stay in an unhappy relationship. I have no actual experience with these things, but I would recommend you to share your feelings about the situation with your girlfriend, and then have a serious discussion on where things go from there.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

Looks like someone's parents are jerks.

How does your girlfriend feel about this situation?

[Neku 1]

Some parents just take it a notch TOO far; it happens, but you shouldn't have to put up with it.

Quoting Saha, how does your girlfriend feel about the whole parent thing? I'm summising she's 16 too, and she should have the freedom to make decisions on her own accord by now, surely. If her parents can't be convinced, then they're pretty stupid, if you ask me.

[Shadowknight 54]

She's 17. Six months older than me.

Anyway, she's frustrated by her father's constant restrictions. However, she really can't do anything about until she leaves home. She's like me in that she wouldn't rebel. And she wants to do things just as much as me, but she's not really allowed, which makes things difficult.

Yes, I've thought about ending it. I'm pretty sure I couldn't bring myself to hurt her, though. I hate making people unhappy.

[Grandmaster Phoenix 26]

Look, I'm not the best advice giver on this, since I am uninterested in relationships, but I think you need to have a talk with her parents, espically her dad. Don't be angry if he disagrees with you, be civil and calm. Be respectful, and try to compromise.

[Shadowknight 54]

My girlfriend and I, it would seem. I keep waiting, thinking that things will eventually improve, but her dad still won't have a conversation with me.

[Skippy 82]

actually, LL, is pretty close to the mark, you have two options, you can try to do something about it, namely, talking with her and her parents, or being a rebel and sneaking around behind their backs.

The second is to leave the relationship, you are 16, and you will recover, and find someone else, part of working together in a relationship is physically being together and experiencing things together, if that isn't happening, you are in a relationship only by name.

[Skippy 82]

Not exactly, I wouldn't say he would leave her because he doesn't care enough, but because it is unwise to continue with a situation he can not control. He may care greatly, but there is simply nothing he can do to help it, as such, breaking up may be the best option.

[Skippy 82]

is there something he could do? yes. However, sneaking around behind her parents back seems against his moral code, and he and/or she may be unwilling or unable to have a happy or successful relationship knowing her parents do not approve. If he wishes to live up to his moral code, and hers, and he will have to to be happy, then there is nothing he can do.

Which to me, is just too much to be worrying about while still in high school, for a relationship that will, statistically, not last forever.

[PrimaGaga 1025]

Who has these problems outside of family sitcoms?

I swear, I've seen this episode before.

[Skippy 82]

lol, no, that's just one option, not one I am necessarily saying is the one he should use.

High school relationships have a huge amount of factors as to why most of them fail. which I'm not going into, because it would just be another whole huge block of text.

And if I sound like a dick, so be it, the truth sucks sometimes, I'm not going to sugar coat it to make someone feel better.

[Shadowknight 54]

No, no. Don't worry about it. I know what you mean.

It's not like I ever expected this to last forever, there are some major differences that make sure of that. I just didn't want it to end like this. I feel like if I were to end it, she'd feel like it was her fault, which it totally isn't. But I think Skippy is right; at this point, we seem to be in a relationship only by name.

The worst part is, I know she wants to do more. She wants things to work, and she wants to be closer. But her father is the one who always says no, and he avoids me. I've met the guy, like, once. He has no intention of getting to know me because he doesn't want me around. I know her mother, and she is fine with me, but she doesn't have any say in anything because her father is so controlling.

The only thing that won't happen is us sneaking around. The last thing we need is to violate the trust of her parents. But as for the other options...I just don't know yet.

[Skippy 82]

Well, you seem to be being very mature about it, I'm sure it'll all work out well for you long term, regardless of what you do.

[Kimmy 0]

I was in a relationship similar to this, except he was kept away because he was grounded due to not keeping his grades up. He wouldn't get his grades up for me, and so it was actually something he was doing to perpetuate being an invisible boyfriend. Your girlfriend seems blameless apart from not talking to her parents about it. When I was in this relationship, I was miserable. I had some trouble after I finally decided to end it, but I got over it quick and I have been much happier since. <3

Do what you gotta do.