rantstorm incoming

[Chimetals 344]

First of all, a disclaimer:

when i say "puppy" im literally typing out p-u-p-p-y. save the internet the effort of censoring me. though im gonna inevitably drop f*ck a few times.

i figure my biological sex is no longer a secret to this forum (though hell if i know what gender i am), so ill just say that first of all, im coming up on what i like to call "hormonal puppying happy time". this is relevant because while id love to say that the theory that girls get all mood-swingy during this time is a myth, its not for me. p sure i wasnt this bad a few years ago, but it doesnt matter now. long story short, im more prone to frustration, and for me, that means wanting to verbally decapitate people while simultaneously wanting to go curl up in a corner and cry and snarf down chocolate and ritz and whatever else im having major cravings for that i dont have any of.

that said, that particular time has a habit of coinciding with major tests, stressing times of my life, etc etc, and its not like the second induces the first, they just literally happen around the same time. believe me, its taken a while to sort out that my over-emotionality wasnt some bullshit naturally melodramatic response to stress.

and i feel bad about ranting, because whenever i get into this kind of a pissed off funk thing, its at /exactly/ the same time as someone else having an equally bad if not worse time of life, and im always the late one to rant, so typically if i /were/ to rant, id come off as this melodramatic bitch looking for pity. im kainda at an emotional point where i dont care about that anymore, or at least at the moment, and it really doesnt help that i have a bus that i gotta get on to go to class in a couple minutes.

and this is just the prologue to the rant. i havent ranted yet.

*deep breath*

alright, this isnt a relationship thing, i mean, sure, there are some people that i wouldnt mind dating, and hell if theyre not sending me mixed signals, but do i care desperately? no. you wanna know why? i just got out of a year-long emotionally abusive relationship, and i really really dont wanna risk that kind of crap again, evereverever. second, out of every relationship ive been in (a whopping total of three) ive been the financially responsible one. always. im the one blowing cash on gifts for whoever im dating, because whenever id see something theyd /love/ id buy it, even if there wasnt some reason to give it etc etc etc. i paid for the dates 90% of the time, and i was lucky as hell if i went on a date that was split 50/50. again, im stuck being biologically female, so although it really doesnt mean sh*t in a lesbian relationship, when im dating a guy, i should theoretically be free of all financial duties, right? apparently not. and although i was ok with this setup when i had a steady job, im definitely not gonna be okay with this crap now that i am once again, no longer working and depending on my parents.

which brings me to money.

my family is middle class or something, we dont have to worry about starving or anything, but ive grown up shopping for bargains and learning to handle money. out of HABIT i make beelines to the sales racks and bargain bins and all that crap. i consider $30 to be too much for a pair of jeans. THATS how bad i am. and not going into all the ways ive seen people throw their cash around with no idea what theyre doing, because thats an unrelated tirade from hell you dont wanna have to read, im basically the broke kid on the block. i dont know a single person thats on the same meal plan as me at my school, everyones on the meal plan above me, or their parents have money to throw at them whenever they want, or etc etc etc. though thee meal plan thing is half my schools fault, for not having an alternative at the same price and blah blah blah im off topic. but anyway. throughout those years of highschool and having a job and such, the number of times ive "loaned" people cash is just nuts. school events, convention badges, i dont even remember half the crap, whatever. and itd range from $1-20 based on what they needed--lunch, theater fees, bluh bluh. yeah, i never saw that cash again, no matter how many times ive been told "yeah ill totally pay you back as soon as i get cash i promise". even better, those people will blow their cash as soon as they get it, or they have other bills to pay, and conveniently forget later, and the few times ive needed some cash, dropped/lost whatever i had on me at the time, needed something paid for, ive been told "btw, you gotta pay me back". i just kainda rage inside at that...but im not gonna blow up on people, especially because theyre my friends, and i have that lawful-neutral kind of pain in the ass personality that keeps me from trying to get revenge, or seriously attacking people.

oh, friends.

most of mine are online. im seriousface about this one, as sad as it is. people im friends with from highschool? next to none. people im friends with in my major? z-e-r-o. most people i refer to as "friend" irl fall under the category of "person i know that i talk to and dont mind much but ive never gotten around to hanging out and we really dont have all that much in common other than whining about this class". im definitively not a social butterfly. in fact, most of the people i have been close to, if something happens and they show a really really ugly side of them, like...i just cant think of them in the same way again.ever. ive tried. its only happened a few times, but when someone has legitimately started hating me, and moreover, has basically talked to our "mutual friends that they actually know better than me" and whatever they said made /them/ hate me, like...i dunno. any "making up" afterwards feels fake to me, like theyre not horribly raging but they dont give as many f*cks about me that they used to, and never will give as many f*cks.

and my tiny social circle, the people that i /truely/ call my friends, is so small for two reasons, and they conflict like a bitch. this lil beast didnt rear its ugly head until highschool, when i discovered that i was kainda a freak in two different circles. i was in full honors classes in highschool. straight As in honors classes. thing is, is my personality and habits and interests caused me to run with the artist crowd. the kind that took regular classes, and had to worry about failing PE. can you see where i didnt quite fit in there? whenever report cards came around, the lunchtable was like "man, im failing english aaa" "dude, im failing /everything/ lolol" and eventually, someone would ask me what i got, and i had to BS some crap like "oh well im ok" or theyd get a hold of my report card (through pleading or something i dont remember) and sure enough "omg straight As 111 y u so smart111" and then itd get all awkward like they just realized i was an alien from some advanced civilization that understood rotational mechanics or something. likewise, as soon as honors kids discovered i could draw, it was like "ohhhhh youre so good, i wish i could do that" or even better "whatcha drawinggggg" and then i was like a circus dog that could spit paint into geometric patterns. that, and again, my personality was nowhere near the diligent studying type, or the thinking-about-the-future type, or anything...

oh gawd the future.

im not ready for it. im not nearly ready for it. hell, i still think people 20+ are old. im NINETEEN. and im supposed to be interning and doing research and what is this i dont even. im still a sophmore in college, and im seeing everyone in my major come to class periodically with a suit on, because they were interviewing with companies and im not ready aaaaa.

i havent even picked a track yet. hell, i periodically have spazzes of "am i even gonna survive in this major and get a job and be happy with it or aaaa" hell, im like the delinquent going-nowhere lack-of-drive kid that just....like.....im like the dude in the animes that gets the magical power and turns his life around with his newfound friends. cept i dont have any magical power, no matter how much i suits my damned knight-like personality, and im not special like that.

actually, forget the future, i have issues with grades.

remember the straight As honors thing in high school? if i got a B in any of those classes, i would have been grounded. grounded till my grade was an A again. and this has been going on since i first started getting letter grades. in fourth grade i CRIED because i got a B on a test. one test. out of many. hell, it was my first B. im not gonna break down and start bawling over a B but hell if i wont freak the f*ck out over a C or lower. and speaking of Cs, ive got one from my math class that i took over the summer. my mom doesnt know. shell flip the puppy out more than i ever would if she did--she figures that since i was only taking two classes, and wasnt working a job or really doing anything, that i should get two As.

theres more, yes.

i have basically no self-confidence. i was fine in grade school, i was the highest in the grade for like everrrrr (a five-way tie-ish) but when i hit high school, suddenly there were people a f*ckton smarter than me, the kind of people that are just so freakishly above and beyond that no one wants to compete with them. i could deal with that. i still didnt have to study much, and math, physics, and chemistry were things that i had way better than the majority of the other honors kids. well, not in college. i cant remember half of anything that got me a 4 on the AP chem test, and i hope like hell i wont need to use it. physics was fine until this semester, where nothing makes sense, and they cant teach it right, not to mention the lacking equation sheet and general confusion. and i still have 2 more physics classes im gonna have to take. and my math grades have taken the biggest blow. let me put this in perspective: in grade school, i took highschool math through jr high, had no problems understanding anything in high school.....and then calculus. this bastard offspring of mathematics has just f*cked me over something awful, and its just not getting any better. thankfully i only have one more math class that needs taking, but i suspect its the bastard that my roommate is taking right now, where one problem takes an hour to do.

and inb4 anyone brings up self-confidence and art, thats nonexistent as well. i dont know where it went or why it left, but it packed its bags and probably carpooled with what was left of my "confidence" in writing. and it really doesnt help that some 14-year-old on deviantart can work her pen tablet a f*ckton better than me, coax colors out of the same program i use that i could only dream of, and just generally kick my ass in every way you could think of. oh, and "critiques" of "what the puppy is this why do you think this is good puppy you have no taste, weeaboo, etc etc" never made i better either.

and for the seasoning on top, body issues.

im not gonna make you vomit uncontrollably on sight or anything, but im just....bland. all my genes come from the same gene pool as everyone else in my area--germanic/english/wtf-decent, brown hair, brown eyes, not skinny, not fat, just kainda average, on the short side, lacking on the top by female standards, and with a lower half that does nothing for any self-esteem i have, not to mention makes buying pants a pain, and wearing short shorts impossible. the /only/ thing i have going for me is that my hair is naturally straight. ive tried using a hair straightener, all it does is make my hair less thick-looking. but anyway. there is literally nothing physically special or particularly attractive about me, as a male or female. hell, you know those cosplayers, with the awesome outfits, that make you say "that is an amazing cosplay, but.....their face isnt really right...." thats me. the obviously-amercan cosplayer. and theres very little i can do to change any of this. i havent grown in 6 years. seriously. the dress i wore to my 8th grade graduation, i wore to my high school graduation. but if you were to ask me "well what would you like to look like?" in all honestly, my answer would be "four to six inches taller and a f*cking bishounen." im serious. the kind of dude that could 100% pass as a chick, and not in a "well thats obviously a ftm crossdressing as a girl" kind of way. or a "hey sorry i thought you were a chick from behind" kind of way. though i dont want the dick. you can keep that part, put it back in the box, and mail it to the manufacturer. while im wishing for crap, gimme a winning lotto ticket. and i dont really feel like going into all the genetic defects ive inherited from my gene pool (btw, i count my hair and eye color in with that, esp since my brother has blond hair and blue eyes) but you can throw in my underbite, which my orthodontist never really corrected, and now it shows and it doesnt seem like hes gonna do jack about it, or having to wear glasses for most of my life and finally getting rid of them last year, and theres some other stuff, but lets just say that it adds to the hormone/chemical instability around this time.

tl;dr

life sucks, i wish i was someone else, and im gonna have a hellish, hormonal week.

ok.....thats it, i think.....p sure ive gotten everthing....sorry its so long, its kainda the rant ive had every month or so, for years now, and i just wanted to holler it across the internet rather than in my head for once.

*EDITING THIS*

because ive been told to "not repeat [myself] because theres only so many times [they] can hear [my] whining before [they] stop caring."

and if i edit it, im p sure its not gonna show up as me posting again, and everyones basically already read this crap already, so its like my secret corner of the internet to yell at, since social networking sites arent really my thing.

i dont remember if i mentioned my lack of self confidence, in that everything ive even been mildly good at has been yanked out rom under my feet. if i go back to read to check, ill just wind up crying more. and ive done enough of that crap tonight, and im not even hormonal atm.

though speaking of hormones, ill just come out and say im clinically depressed. itss shit genes that run in my family. i have a bottle of pills right next to my alarm clock and my nail polish. thats right, i keep my antidepressants next to my puppying nail polish. and i suspect my dose needs tto be upped, given that i /still/ feel this crappy. reality still is bombing out, and at the age of nineteen, i still feeel like ive already become a failure at life. like the delinquent kid in the anime just before he has to go save the world, except im not even that delinquent, nor am i gonna be told to go save the world. i fail at being a delinquent. i dont even

and as far as gender goes....ive been seriously considering top ftm surgery. if i still feel this way in a year or so, ill see if i can /try/ to explain this to my parents, but given their response to my bisexuality--no sleepovers with either sex, regardless of if theyre my friends or not--and just general confusion, not to mention that when i brought up gender confusion to my mom...i love her, but her response to transgenderism was to come back a weekish later and go "i googled 'transgender'..." i mean, what. and then to explain to her that im gender neutral, and want a male top? uhhhhhhhhhhh

id have to do a /lot/ of talking. half of it is convincing her that its not for cosplay, though itll be nice, then another chunk of "yes mom, i want it, no, this is not a whim, yessssss i know what im talking about" followed soon after by "no, mom, i dont want a dick"

and of course, theres the childhood friends and people that know me as a chick....really, i wouldnt know if itd be ok or awkward to take off my shirt in front of them, given how they know me and such. super triple issues for pheo and t1g, as theyre basically the only people in my friend circle remaining from grade school.

ugh, went back to read what my stand on my gender was during post one, and just skimming that old post, i started crying again. f*ckingggggg

and thats all for the same old crap that i repeat, so next time i feel like ranting, maybe i should just link back here, and save myself the theraputic stress relieving of saying all this, i guess.

or copypaste, if i feel like being an absolute dick.

[2356 23]

I...I feel like I reminded you about all this considering we talked about a bunch of this that one walk back :<

Chimetals! You should just come to me and I will fend for you!

[Cascade 741]

Chimetals :< It is totally cool for you to vent out to us, this is what this forum is for! If I could I would take you out for dinner and we could have the best chatttt :<<< ugh I wish I could be more helpful. I really hope this funk gets out of your face soon! <3

(would a skype video chat help anything lol got my webcam back when I was home for the weekend just for youuuu!)

[T1g 1503]

sorry if i missed little details and stuff. i am doing a short skim of this thing because i am busy

First of all, a disclaimer:

when i say "puppy" im literally typing out f-u-c-k. puppy saving the filter the puppying trouble. it is puppying there to puppying censor me. i will puppying say puppy as many times as i puppying want. puppy.

dating thing: yeah you breaking up with your last boyfriend was possibly the smartest move you have made. as for financial, the money spent on gifts are exempt from the financial responsibilities thing, that is just you buying them stuff. as for dates, thats a matter of personal opinion. guy's paying for dates is typically the social standard, in my opinion it is ok if the two just split costs or pay for their own food.

financial thing: no problem with going for bargains, but with lending out money you should not do it unless you know they are going to repay you and quickly. (i still owe you a birthday present but that was going to wait until you get a 3ds) i am assuming a large chunk of this complaint is revolving around your ex again. you bought too much stuff for him. you basically spoiled him

friends thing: you more or less have the exact same group of friends as me. you were even at several of our escapades this last summer. who cares if you dont keep in contact with all of your high school friends?

now here is the thing that you seemed to have overlooked:

friends made during college > friends made in highschool.

any of that high school social bullshit doesn't matter here. you hang out with people because you want to hang out with them.

or did you not notice how your "tiny social circle" has expanded to include me, you, sayu, earthy, multiball, bokusatchii, and several other people from anime club

and what is wrong with having lots of online friends? this further expands your social circle into a much more intimidating social network

future: just do what it is you want to do. you can still change majors if you dont know what you want to do with the one you are in. we already talked about that and how you dont want to do any of the things you like because they dont pay well or whatever.

Grades:

fourth grade i CRIED because i got a B on a test.

lol why is this even a legitimate complaint. you were in puppying fourth grade.

if your grades are low then study the shit out of the course. i failed my first calc 2 test. i then worked hard and got a B in the course.

no i dont care if you think it is confusing. if you think it is confusing then start from square 1 and work your way up to the confusing part. the confusing part will make sense if you have it in the context of everything before

The Rest:

Do I need to go down there and verbally beat the puppying self confidence into you? because i don't feel like typing anymore

[2356 23]

Some points I agreed with and other times....

Chimetals.

I decided. I am taking you out on a date for no other reason than attempting to give you one good experience. This is not an offer. This is not even a question. We are doing this.

It will probably be the cheapest date but it will still count I swear.

[T1g 1503]

while i am at it

who the puppy needs a love life when you can have awesome friends instead

It definitely got frustrating for me, Knuckle, a long time ago. Eventually I realized I really didn't have anything to worry about, and I even felt like I just never wanted to have a relationship. You've got a lot of years ahead of you. Maybe during one of them, someone like kaffles will punch you in the face and tell you a relationship is happening between you or else. (That's not how it really went down, but like, yeah, it took quite a bit for me to agree to it) Friends are like lovers without as much intimacy, only there are a lot more of them, and they're less prone to breaking up with you than a girlfriend or boyfriend by a lot.

[2356 23]

Yes, t1g, that is understood. That... I feel like that can stop now.

[T1g 1503]

i think you are underestimating how awesome it is to have the friends you have right now chimey

now go learn how to puppying breathe Bio Engineering.

because i said you can do it

[2356 23]

i think you are underestimating how awesome it is to have the friends you have right now chimey

Yoooooouuuuuu need to stop that.

[T1g 1503]

were you talking to me or her

[2356 23]

were you talking to me or her

Yooouuuu need to learn to read context clues.

[T1g 1503]

well when you just say you, directly after quoting me, i dont know if you are telling me to stop saying all these things or if you are telling her to stop underestimating how great it is to have friends like us

[Jareddude 62]

I know what it feels like to have very little friends. Trust me. Having almost no one to trust, no one to open up to...I get it. For the past two years, I hung out with many different groups. The drama kids, the "Oh they're my friends from grade school but they're goofs (And turn their backs on you)", and now, the smarties. The "smarties" are three girls, who absolutely love me. I met them in freshman year. I knew one form grade school, where we talked about Pokemon every morning. Heck, I STILL don't feel like i belong with them! But, I do. You just have to look around for people with the same interests. Sometimes, you just become friends with people you don't think you would. It happens. And another thing. If you end up making friends that make fun or you, or don't truly care about you, DROP THEM IMMEDIATELY. I learned it the very hard way. Trust me.

On the grades thing, I can also relate. I thought I was one of the smartest people ever, in grade school. I was even chosen as most ambitious in my middle school yearbook. When I got to freshman year, I got put into ALL honors classes, and did okay in most But, then in sophomore year, I was pulled from ALL of them. To this day, I still don't know why! I am now in Junior year, and I was put back into one; English 3 Honors. I already failed my first test, (60%) because I didn't read the top, and I put the synonyms instead of antonyms by mistake. I'm never making THAT mistake again! Just make sure you ask your teachers for help if you don't understand, and ask questions. I know this sounds cheesy and typical, but it helps. It still have trouble doing it too, but, it DOES help.

Let me tell you. I have NEVER had any self confidence. At ALL. Still don't. But, that doesn't mean it can't change. Don't have much to say on this, but I just want you to know I know what it feels like. But, at least you have a boyfriend....I couldn't even get anyone interested in me if my life depended on it.

[Chase 390]

Yeah, I mean, I understand these rants because occasionally the world just sucks and nothing goes right. There isn't anything I can really say that will make it better, but I hope you realize you have people that care about you. And I'm kind of limited on what I can do, but you can always ask and I will do my best to help in any way possible.

That goes for all of you.

[Chase 390]

Man if I could mail a fist bump I'd send you a few hundo of those.