Bad things come in waves.

[Shadowknight 54]

To be perfectly honest, I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. It's as though my life suddenly flipped, like all the good things were replaced with bad. I don't have the slightest idea what to do about it.

For the past month or so my relationship has been falling apart. Being at universities in different cities has made things difficult, though I have seen her a few times. The fact that my university is so based in traditions, when combined with how close those same traditions have made me with my new friends, makes me feel like my relationship has been lacking so much, especially since she simply couldn't care less about the things that go on around here. With the fact that we haven't been talking much because of our busy schedules and the fact that we're both changing and being shaped by the groups we're surrounded with (our groups are very, very different), we're growing apart fairly quickly. This has been on my mind for a while now, and she doesn't even really seem interested in the fact that I'm struggling with so much. I need someone who will care, and also I really just need someone to hug. It sounds lame, but I'm so overwhelmed.

It seems like everything is going to Hell at once. My great aunt, with whom I was actually pretty close, passed away last week after making some progress toward recovery. She simply didn't wake up. At least she went peacefully, and I can take solace in knowing that she's in a better place. But still, I'm sad that I won't have her around to tell her stories and share her hopes, hopes which I know she won't get to fulfill. The funeral is next weekend. I went home this weekend after my concert, and my dog is barely able to move. He's been my dog for almost 15 years, I've known him longer than I have my little sister, and he's almost gone. The worst part is that I'm not going to be there with him during the end of his life. I spent a good amount of time petting and hugging him this weekend.

Tears don't hold back well when you're typing up all the things that make you want to cry. I digress.

My grandmother's Parkinson's is getting worse. My grandfather and her were the only people to truly encourage me while I was growing up. They were my spiritual guides, building me up for the entire first part of my life. I remember a few things from going to spend the night at their house as a kid: first, whenever I would draw a picture or learn a song on the piano, they would be genuinely excited about it. They loved that I was interested in art and making things, and every child needs someone to tell them that they've done a good job. Second, when I would wake up and go into the living room where they were, my grandfather would be reading aloud from the bible. He has a warm voice and a thick German accent, but it's one of the most calming and peaceful things I've ever heard. I hate to think that my grandmother is getting worse, because I love my grandparents very much and it pains me to see them going through this.

I found out yesterday that one of my friends is in the hospital with Toxic Shock Syndrome. She was comatose when they found her, they don't know how long she'd been there. She's in ICU still. She's one of my oldest friends from church, so she's important to me.

There are more things that I can't remember at the moment. I'm so tired. I haven't been sleeping well and my mind is so fatigued. With the general stress from the workload of an engineering degree...I don't even know. I don't know what to do. My mind wants to do nothing, but I'm forcing it to do Physics homework instead. I don't think I'll be able to keep it up much longer, though.

I just don't know. A hug probably doesn't sound so lame anymore, or maybe it still does. I don't really care. I just want to know why it all happens at once.

[Aethix 129]

Reading this made me tear up. Although it probably sounds empty, I sincerely hope things get better for you.

[Jareddude 62]

Oh my, CC. I can't imagine how this is like...well, a little. I had a pet pass away, and I'll just say no one in the family took it well.

I'll always be here for you, man. I'll always listen. I can hug. I can Skype. Whatever. I can relate to a lot of things. Just remember you're not alone.

And I'll pray for you and your family. Good luck :'(

Edit - Just finished praying. I wasn't lying about that.

[Cascade 741]

CC/shadowknight, this totally sucks to read :< I'd give you a hug as well bro! I really hope things start to look up for you and your family/friends, and we're always here to listen and support youuu.

[Ammonsa 308]

Oh man... :/

I don't really know what to say.

[Chimetals 344]

thats awful, bro :< i hope you get some good news soon, even if its just a little.

i had a cat that was older than me for years...i still tear up thinking about him, and he died about five years ago. and another cat ive had since kindergarten (so hes about 14 years) is getting bonier and acting old, and im away at college for long periods of time, too, so i understand how it is :<

life goes on, though, i promise. itll get better after a while, even if it doesnt seem so.

[Shadowknight 54]

Freaking A, guys. Nothing that's stressing me out has gotten any better. And I'm starting to experience a constant dread or paranoia, like I know that I'm going to get hurt somehow. Physically hurt, I mean.

Maybe it's from not sleeping well. I don't know. I'm looking over my shoulder a lot. At this point, I'm drinking coffee in the middle of the day to take the edge off the anxiety, but I avoid it like the plague at night.

I don't know what's going on. I should see...somebody.