Parental Problems

[Shadowknight 54]

So, I met this girl. She's pretty cool, funny, very laid back; just a nice person. She's a fan of good music, not crappy pop or rap. So I guess I like her, but that's not the issue here.

The issue is, she's half Japanese. It shouldn't be an issue, except for the fact that my parents and grandparents are moderately racist. Not anywhere near enough to deprive others of things due to the colour of their skin, and not enough to really even notice it (in the case of my parents, I mean. My grandparents, on the other hand, descriminate heavily against Mexicans and African-Americans, not physically, but just in general feelings). I only know because my mother explicitly forbade me from dating anyone who's skin is not white. If they are half-white but have white skin, that's fine, but if they're half-white and have darker skin, no way.

Which brings me to my main point: how should one react to this? It's not posed any problem to me yet, since the girls I've dated have all been European, but it still bothers me. I'm not the type of person to descriminate by ethnicity, but I'm also not the type to disobey my parents.

Thoughts? I'm seriously at a loss here.

[Arcane 12]

Do what your heart tells you. ;o I don't know your parents or this girl, so I can't think of any other advice... Just whatever feels right.

[Shadowknight 54]

Well, the issue isn't so much this particular situation as it is the fact that my parents are trying to push on me a predjudice I don't think is right. I don't want to submit to this, but I don't want to blatantly disobey my parents either. It's the idea of being forced to abide by something I feel is unfair and quite terrible that bothers me greatly.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

This is why "obeying your parents" isn't the best thing you could do. :/

If you don't feel it's right, then don't care about what they say. Tell them you have a problem with their prejudice and think you shouldn't have to choose based on their beliefs.

I know how you feel, though. My dad and stepmom are pretty racist, I have to say.

But it's the same thing as if your parents told you to rob a bank or something.

You believe it's wrong, so you don't go with what they say.

I say go for it. Love knows no race, color, or gender.

Neither do hormones.

So go for it.

Sahaqiel

[Shadowknight 54]

My parents still have authority over me, though. They can ground me, prevent me from going out, take away my car, things like that. See, I'm not a rebellious teenager. I'm more or less incapable of doing what I'm not supposed to.

Plus, I don't want to get grounded. I mean, my parents would probably be unhappy, but that's about it. My grandparents, however...they may just disown me. I'm not even kidding. I wouldn't be surprised if my grandfather removed me from his will and refused to talk to me ever again. He grew up on a farm in south Texas, so he's pretty racist. We were watching House with him, for example, and when there was an interracial kiss scene, he went off on a rant about how they should both be beaten for it.

I really, really don't agree with any of that, but I care too much about my relationship with my family to do anything that may jeopardize it, and this would definitely jeopardize it if his reaction is anything close to his reaction to House.

[Aethix 129]

Go out with her, and hope they don't have a problem with it. I don't know exactly how strict your parents are, but there's a difference between laying a rule down and enforcing it. So depending on your parents, there's a fair chance that they won't say anything about it if you go out with her.

[Sahaqiel 1232]

Grounding you for liking someone of a different race just jumps around the borders of silliness at inconceivable angles, to me. To me, that's abuse of authority, and should be dealt with via some sort of counselor.

And the grandparent thing, I'll give to you, since I've dealt with that kind of ignorance and generation gap.

Seems you're stuck.

If I were you, I would first subtly try to coax my parents into the topic, then work my way up from "What's wrong with interracial love?" to "What if I liked a girl who is not European?", and beg the question of whether or not forcing a selfish belief system onto their offspring is the best way of showing their love, but just not mentioning the girl until it seems safe, or if it's not safe, then rebel, I guess.

Then just keep it a secret from my grandparents. I'm thinking there isn't much you could do, for that.

I'm not saying you should disobey your parents, because I don't want you to do something you don't want to do, but I don't think you should deign to their selfish racism. :/

Then again, worst case scenario, you're secluded from outside life, your grandparents disown you, and the girl doesn't want to date you.

That would just suck.

This is what school counselors are for, though. Mine pries into the lives of any person who is even rumored to be having trouble and tries to see what he can do. I think you should take it up with someone like that and get through this whole thing.

Sahaqiel

[pheonix561 2080]

UGHGHGHGHGHGH. school counselors. theyz crazy. I've dealt with generation gaps before. My grandpa on my dad's side hates gays with a passion, and my stepgrandpa on my mom's side was a Marxist. I think. I dont know if my granpda knows Im pro gay, and look at me! we get along just fine! I guess what Im saying is, frankly, if you want to be friendly with this girl then do it, take it up with your parents and keep it from your grandparents. GO FOR IT DAMMIT.

[Shadowknight 54]

My school counselor doesn't really do anything, I'm afraid. I wish pastor Ron hadn't gone back to college, since he was a far better counselor than anyone else.

As is the case with just about everything, the initiation of this process would be the most painful and difficult part. My parents would probably be fairly understanding, but my grandpa has more than half-a-century of built up bias. He does have at least a little bit of a reason for his racism, even if it doesn't constitute what it's grown into. The town where he grew up had a high number of illegal immigrants, most of which were uneducated and fairly poorly behaved. They unfortunately filled the stereotypes he now accepts as true for all foreign ethnicities.

Reasoning aside, his reaction would be far more serious than my parents'. I'll probably sleep on the problem, think about solutions for the next few days. I may consult with my new youth pastor, though I've not connected with him yet.

I suppose I can't really keep lying, my family situations are pretty screwed up. Things do need to be set straight with us, with my mom's constant negativity, my dad's passiveness, my grandparents' racism, all of it. Perhaps a counselor isn't such a bad idea after all.

[Teto 2609]

Sucks, shadowknight. All I can say is to go out with her as you feel like it and if you're parents have a problem, to hell with them. Give them a piece of your mind, I'm sure you deserve to voice your opinion, you have a right to it after all. Your parents don't have a right to not be told off for ignoring their responsibility to not discriminate against ethnicity. You're in the right here, according to law at least, and they're not. I'm sure you know that. (Not sure what religion has to say about it though)

Wing it and take each problem individually. Sometimes your natural approach of taking on the whole problem at once doesn't work, shadowknight. From the past, I know you like to have it all planned and consider every eventuality so you can properly tackle it. Winging it works quite alot though. For me, at least. But then again, I've never had this problem. All I can say is that you have to trust your reflexes a little.

(Same goes for school, kids. Don't bit off more than you can chew; you might choke!)

Anyway, good luck with your problem. Here's hoping you might have taken something out of this.

Edited 19 Sep 2009 by Teto (see edit history)

[Grandmaster Phoenix 26]

I'm going to give you the short version.

Racism is pathetic. Seriously. If you love her, you have a right to not give a crap about what anyone else thinks of her.

[Teto 2609]

I'm going to give you the short version.

Racism is pathetic. Seriously. If you love her, you have a right to not give a crap about what anyone else thinks of her.

lol Captain Obvious

[pheonix561 2080]

Wait, why would you like a half japanese girl anyway

are you asking why he likes her because he hasnt named any real reasons for why shes so awesome, or are you asking why he likes her because she's half japanese? because half japanese is totally ok. and frankly I want to hear why this girl is so great. so I agree with the first one and strongly disagree with the latter possibility.

[Shadowknight 54]

I find it interesting that I made this thread with the intent of discussing parents pressuring their children with ideas that the child doesn't agree with, namely racism, yet the focus shifted to the girl. I don't mind, I just can't help but notice.

Also, Figurehead has a tendency to troll, Pheonix. I'll answer your question anyway, though.

It's just an interest, I'd like to start by saying. Call it a crush, if you must, but it's not like I'm head-over-heels in love. Nowhere close, in fact. I just like her. I'm attracted to good conversation, good musical taste, high moral standards, things like that, all of which are qualities she has. She's a good person, there really isn't much more to say about the matter.

[Linkprow 42]

Do you live near your grandparents?