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  1. Necropolis added a comment on a blog entry 5/16/2014 - Because I haven't blagged in forever   

    I think Samus makes even more sense as a silent protagonist. She's like the man with no name from the dollars trilogy. Her canon does the talking for her.


  2. Michael added a comment on a blog entry Wow, that's Amazing!   

    Anxiety attack?


  3. Necropolis added a comment on a blog entry Wow, that's Amazing!   

    I know this is a bit late, but I get panic attacks occasionally, or what I thought were panic attacks, maybe its something else, and I've been calling it something wrong. I start to get tunnel vision, andn everything sounds like its really far away, like my ear canal is a mile long, and I sort of faint


  4. Iargely Iegendry added a comment on a blog entry Pre-Internet Era Gaming, NOW! (a FEZ discussion)   

    I'm gonna get Fez, y'all


  5. Iargely Iegendry added a comment on a blog entry Pre-Internet Era Gaming, NOW! (a FEZ discussion)   

    Pokémon Blue is the only game that I have pre-Internet nostalgia for.


  6. PrimaGaga added a blog entry in Phanta's Blog   

    Pre-Internet Era Gaming, NOW! (a FEZ discussion)
    So FEZ is a game that's gotten a lot of controversy due to it's creator, Phil Fish. But we arent gonna talk about that. Instead, lets look at the game he's created.

    FEZ is a platforming game about a 2D being discovering that he lives in a 3D world. It's simple enough, collect 32 hyper-cubes (and an extra 32 anti-cubes) to restore order to his universe and keep it from imploding.... or something. The story is more of a charming prompt. Not too important, but satisfying non the less. The game play is also very simple. You always see the world in 2D, but as you rotate your perspective, the world rotates with it. Platforms that were unreachable from one view becoming easy stepping stones in the next. There is probably a metaphor in that as well, haha.

    But here is where the game gets really interesting, for me at least. It doesnt hold your hand. The game is very easy to play, but super difficult to master. Not because the game gets harder, but rather because it gets "deeper." Youll come across a room and have no idea what secrets it holds, you may find some weird scribbles on the wall. but what does it mean? Well, all the "codes" in the game can be found within the game. Ill give it away, there is a room that acts as a Rosetta stone, but even realizing that it is indeed a Rosetta is a puzzle in itself. Even without learning the new language, the game has so many secrets, its honestly amazing! Truly a work of art in its own right.

    And the game encourages you to figure it all out yourself! sure, there will be a few times when youll just HAVE to google it, but the game doesnt require you to at all. Its really a throw back to the golden age of gaming when there was no internet. You'd play a game, get stuck, and then ask your friend for advice. This game is complete homage to that. Im literally watching my friend play as I type this and he just asked me for paper and pen so he could figure out this puzzle.

    This game is not only beautiful, with it's minimalist pixel graphics and hauntingly ambient soundtrack, but its such a challenge! My first play session lasted 2 hours, but genuinely felt like 15 mins. I cant recommend this game enough! Please, despite all the controversy surrounding it's creator, look into this game for yourself. You owe yourself that much ;-)
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  7. Chase added a comment on a blog entry 5/16/2014 - Because I haven't blagged in forever   

    Prime is my favorite Metroid game. Echoes was fun, but it's definitely not as good as the first, imo. I got it for Christmas one year from my grandmother, so it is special to me in a way. I remember playing the shitty multiplayer with two of my best friends though. We had fun.
     
    I still have yet to finish Prime 3, but I plan on doing so eventually.
     
    From my perspective, Samus is just another avatar to project myself onto while i'm gaming. Oftentimes when a character doesn't speak, like Link, I'll put myself into the character. It's why I like RPGs so much. So I really don't look at Samus as a "girl" while I'm playing. More like me in a kickass space suit. I only really lose the immersion when she is out of the suit, which doesn't happen often, so it's not a big deal. She IS really attractive, though. 
     
    Don't worry so much about girl gamer stuff. Like what you like. I play with a lot of girls online, especially in FFXIV, and I don't think it's a big deal. If you ever want to play online, you only have to ask. I'm sure most of us here would love to play together sometime. People like to give each other shit for all kinds of things. Just have fun and be yourself; most people won't even care if you're a girl. At least, I don't, and I like to think most people are like me. 


  8. Cirt added a blog entry in prime time of your life   

    5/16/2014 - Because I haven't blagged in forever
    Hey folks, thought I'd give another go at writing some more blogs on my non-Internet life. That sounds like I'm about to tell you about where my life's been in the past 6+ months, but that's a long story for another day and another time. To be honest, I was rereading my review on Super Mario Galaxy 2, and was inspired to write again on more vidya. I feel like I wrote a decent review and (some) of you enjoyed it, so here goes.

    As I mentioned in the "What Game Are You Playing Currently?" thread, I just purchased the Metroid Prime Trilogy from my local GameStop the other day. Considering it's three full-length games, I wasn't too worried about the price tag of $50. Additionally, because I am planning on playing all three of them in succession while I finish up summer classes, I have deemed this the summer of Metroid.

    Like I did before with SMG/SMG2, I'm gonna go into some background with my experiences with the Metroid series. Which, considering my fondness for the character of Samus Aran, is surprisingly little. I think I'll also go into some gender stuff too - what it means for me, personally, to be a female playing a kickass female character - but not overly so. But, I think you guys will find it interesting at least.

    My first Metroid game was on the GameBoy Color, Metroid Fusion. I've actually never completed this game, though I do remember enjoying it when I was younger. It is a sidescroller, as all classic Metroid games are, and I remember not really understanding how to use the map to my advantage to beat the game. Obviously, this is an obstacle that one overcomes with maturity, and I'm sure I'd have no problem going back now and finishing it. However, I remember loving the different suits that Samus would upgrade to, and this is something I'm even fangirling about in Prime. Why? Because I like the swag. It means I'm a badass. You don't want to know how much time I've spent changing different skins in Borderlands 2.

    Before I even played Fusion, though, I had my experience with Super Smash Bros, where of course, Samus was one of the original 8 smashers. Yes, this is where I'm gonna get into the whole girl thing. Because I didn't know, when I was a kid, that Samus was a gal. So you can imagine my surprise when I was going through that random character bio portion of SSB one day, and I see that the game refers to her as a "she." And that was it. This character, although her jump kind of sucks and she's sluggish as hell, is super cool. Don't get me wrong, though. Kirby was my main in SSB and will forever be.

    So let's talk about the girl gamer thing, because it's inevitable at this point and I've already talked about with some of you guys at different points, on IRC, skype, whatever. I'll go ahead and put out the idea that if you'd ever met me in real life, after talking to me for a few minutes, you might get that I'm a bit of a geek but not a gamer, per se. We all know the girl gamer stereotype. I do not match this description physically, whether you're thinking about girls who dress in nerdy t-shirts or the gamer grills on Twitch. I used to be subscribed to the r/girlgamers subreddit, but those girls are so entitled while being simultaneously offended that I seriously could not handle it. Like, games are not worth getting so caught up over, unless it's a huge freakin' deal to your identity. You guys know me, and you know that I am a generally positive, chill person. I could be one of those gamer grrrls and I could embrace that stereotype, with all its prejudice and negative connotations, but I really don't want to because I have more interests than that. The problem is, with the stereotype, is that female gamers are polarized. They're either extremely into it and viewed as, I don't know, unlikeable? Unattractive? Awkward? Or they're airheads "pretending" to fit in. So when it comes down to me, someone who's kind of in the middle, I don't get the credit for being genuinely knowledgeable and skilled, while being treated like an airhead (even if jokingly). I don't think I can ever play online with a headset, or even broadcast my playing out of ridicule. To be honest, it sucks sometimes, because even after four years at college, I have yet to meet someone else that is like me. This is how I feel, and I'm not looking to argue with anyone on the point. It's just how it is for me.

    Back to Metroid, you can see why I think Samus is a pretty cool chick. She was a badass before she was ever put in a categorical gender, which is something that nobody gets, ever. For the record, that one Metroid game that didn't come out in 2010 doesn't exist. But other than just being female, this is why she's top ten in my book.

    I'm a person that appreciates and admires physical prowess. Samus wear this Power Suit, right, in all its varieties. Has anyone else ever actually looked at this thing? Because I gloss over it all the time. This thing is a work of art. It makes her look athletic (Those shoulders?!) strong, not to be puppyed with. As well as her helmet, which stares into your soul. Again, I'm fangirling, if it's not obvious.

    She's a bounty hunter. Please, insert "independent female character" trope here. While I (admittedly) buy into the whole "puppy yeah, independent women!" thing, that's not really the reason why the bounty hunter thing is likable. Being a bounty hunter allows Samus to be a silent protagonist (2010 Samus doesn't exist, remember). She's the Link of the Metroid world. Silent, deadly, and curious. And that's something I'm coming to terms with in Prime.

    Prime...is a difficult game, but a beautiful one. I am often surprised that it is a 12 year old game, because it works so fluidly (though I guess perhaps the port to the Wii in 2009 helped a bit). The Tallon IV world is haunting and silent, for the most part. Though the game does offer music, it is merely repetitive and ambient, which is appropriate for an exploration game. I wouldn't want something like music to overpower the experience. The game is also strangely lonely; I forget that as a bounty hunter, Samus rarely has allies. Another thing that adds to the solitude is the storytelling device, which is mainly scanning and very short cutscenes with no dialogue. The scanning tells of the Chozo who once lived in Tallon IV, and the logs of the Space Pirates. While I admire the effort that the writers put into both types of dialogue, the Space Pirate logs tend to be very technically termed, with a lot of jargon that I tend to glaze over. But it's always fun to see the Pirates refer to Samus as "the Hunter" and acknowledge their inferior technology to hers. Gosh, I love space stuff. Sci fi is so great.

    I honestly was not expecting so much backtracking and lack of direction in a game. I mentioned this is in the thread, but I suppose I've been playing linear games for so long, that finding my way around this mammoth of an overworld is confusing and time consuming. I don't want to know how many times I've made unnecessary loops in the Magmoor Caverns to the Phendrana Drifts. But the exploring is enjoyable for me, as are the puzzles. One thing I don't like, however, is how easily the enemies respawn. Like, holy shit. Can we please just chill out a bit. Though I am getting closer to the end of the game, I'm pretty sick of fighting Space Pirates, with the puppying thermal visor on. That shit is cray.

    I am enjoying it so far, and I'm glad it's a lot different than I was expecting it to be. I have played a bit of Corruption (Prime 3) back in the dat, but I know virtually nothing of Prime 2: Echoes, so I'm excited to see where the trilogy is going. But first, gotta finish the rest of this game and get good at the wonky controls.

    Might come back and edit this later to add more thoughts, like when I'm at the end of the game. Or even when I've played some of the other two. But, this is it for now. Hope you enjoyed the read.
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  9. Iargely Iegendry added a comment on a blog entry Thoughts about character creation   

    .


  10. Iargely Iegendry added a comment on a blog entry Thoughts about character creation   

    I like the end of Death Note when Light is confronted and is all like "I'm saving the world" and they're like "no, you're a murderer".


  11. Iargely Iegendry added a comment on a blog entry Thoughts about character creation   

    Somewhat related: the last few years, I've been trying to make changes in myself. Let's say that I've been not doing drugs for the majority of my life. And in the last few years, I've been trying different things. At what point do I become a drug-doing guy? I'd want to explain how I don't /really/ do them, only recently. Or maybe I've been reserved for a long time, and I finally made a "bold" move to a girl who isn't very familiar with me. I worry that without her knowing the context of my reserved personality, that she'd think that I am "bold" as the norm.

    And I realized that every judgment about a person is valid. If I had never stolen anything in my life and then I meet someone new who catches me in the act of stealing, that's all they know. I realized also how feeble excuses are when it comes to your actions. "I don't normally steal!" is really weak.

    Another real life example is that I felt like I was never dominant or assertive with a girl. It never really bothered me, but I set small goals for myself. Like to be more assertive. And as I've like dated and been with more girls, I feel like I've gotten more accustomed to an assertive role. And then I got called out about being too pushy or like crossing lines. And in my head, I was still the non-assertive guy whose intentions you could read plainly on his face. It was really weird and I felt really, really bad. I was the pushy guy. I was that character, and I didn't realize it. It was eye-opening. It made me understand people a lot more. I wanted to be like "no wait! I'm not really pushy, I'm just trying to get comfortable with myself!" And I realized, maybe that's why anyone does anything. And that excuses don't matter.

    The concept of actively and purposefully going against my "baseline personality" really put a lot of things into perspective for me. It helped me lean towards the idea that there's no baseline self. Just a bunch of equally valid judgments about my actions.

    The few times that I've really liked someone and wanted to impress them, I found myself giving them some sort of backstory for myself. I wanted to establish my personality, or what I thought it was, really quickly. So I could give context for the changes that are currently taking effect. I wanted to override their small window of experience with me and I realized that it wasn't cool. I forgot what I thought I knew about no baseline. Anyway

    I just like thinking about perceived actions and then reacting to them. It makes me think a lot.


  12. Teto added a blog entry in Teto's Blog. Blogto.   

    Thoughts about character creation
    Thinking about character creation and conception. I’ve never really made many characters outside of roleplaying games (including making up personalities and moral codes for games like Skyrim and Morrowind). I’ve been thinking lately about personality, characters, and understanding other people.

    To start with, here’s a story about my dog. He’s a nice enough dog, and I love him a lot, but when he gets around other dogs he acts aggressively defensive. At first I just thought it was okay, and put it out of my mind or excused it somehow, but the last time he got aggressive with another dog, it made me take it more seriously. He’s aggressive because he’s pent-up. He’s more energetic than we have time to exercise out of him, and so he gets frustrated and acts out. Just because I understand him, doesn’t mean that I can let him off. I’ve reformed and decided not to let him off his lead when I’m uncertain of whether I’m approaching other walkers (on a woodland trail), because he’s a big scary thing and he can sometimes be not that nice. I used to only tell myself “he’s a good dog but he can appear scary, so I’ll be careful about other people” but now I’m more aware that not only does he look scary, but he acts scary as well, under certain circumstances. People he’s okay with. Unfamiliar dogs less so.

    I started to more level-headedly consider his personality, and as I did so it dawned on me that I can’t rightly say what he’s thinking, nor predict what’s best for him. Like, I know he just needs more exercise, but as a philosophical thing the thought interests me.

    Moving on, I started to think about the fact that I had begun to build a personality for a dog. I had started to imagine the connections and meanings behind his actions, as you would with people. We get to know people directly through experiencing their actions; their words.

    And so I thought to myself, what about this as a possible method of character creation?

    Rather than fussing yourself over what their key aspects are and then using those aspects to predict their actions, do it the way you would with people: Predict their actions by knowing their personality, and know their personality by analysing their actions.

    Start with a blank slate character. A nothing. Then imagine what actions you want them to make, and then, from your own personal philosophy, explain their actions, and begin to build a framework of their personality. That’s the idea.

    It had me thinking also about how people understand fictional characters differently. People have their own philosophies about life and themselves, and from this they understand other people, by using their own knowledge of themselves and their own motivations. People who share your interpretation of characters will probably also share parts your personal philosophy, and so they’ll probably be the people you’d befriend, because they get that part of you and you share it.

    People often disagree with either the author’s decisions for the characters, or with other people’s interpretations and fan-made representations. I’d put that down to personal philosophy, and how people choose to relate to characters, thus shaping their understanding of them, leading to different predictions of the characters’ future actions. So don’t hate peoples’ interpretations, because it’s just them expressing a piece of themselves. Your interpretation is just as personal as theirs.
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  13. Sahaqiel added a comment on a blog entry More problems   

    Alright Phanta, I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, or what I have to do to prove it to you, but I do respect other human beings and I don't put anybody underneath me. That's why I'm willing to try and level with someone who may be unreasonable even if I disagree with them. I disagree with your interpretations of my views, but I am taking you seriously right now because you are saying something that's both coherent and straight-faced, and it kinda' sounds like you read my post.
     
    And unfortunately yeah, I do encounter a lot of people who wander aimlessly without ambition, or have ambitions that they're too afraid to pursue. Rather than feeling like I'm better for them, I would rather try to encourage them and push them along what they want to do so they don't live an unfulfilling life. The way I see it, everyone's stuckin the mud of life, and we're all trying to dig ourselves out one way or another, and some fight harder than others. I think even the most ignorant person has the capacity to become great, to learn better, to fight as hard as I do, but they just don't have my mentality about it. I don't think my mentality is the best one, either, because I'm not successful, and other people are. I am angry about being unable to be successful. I'm impatient, in other words. While I see a lot of people who don't aspire to be something great, they still live great lives in their own rite, and I respect that. But nothing makes me more disappointed than someone who wants to be something more and is stuck in a bigger rut than I am, whether it be a cycle of ignorance, or a lack of connections or resources, or whathaveyou.
     
    We're all really similar fundamentally, so I wouldn't put someone else down, because that would be putting down the potential of human beings as a species, and I have no higher respect than the potential of the human race. I hope you understand my ideology better and realize that I do not look down on people.


  14. PrimaGaga added a comment on a blog entry More problems   

    You literally said in your post that it might be difficult to read the whole post in one sitting. But I've read most of it now and it's very clear to me that, yes, you DO look down on other people. As LL just stated, you see everyone as "mindless zombies" with no ambitions of their own. Just cogs in the creative machine of some "higher" person, which you seem to consider yourself as. Like, nobody is just gonna hand you a grant and let you make your dream video game without proving yourself first. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, all of your problems appear to stem from your self loathing and how you think you're better than everyone else. You'll never admit it, but you do. And you probably won't even take this post serious because you look down on me. But that's your fault and not mine. I'm trying to give you some honest-to-god tough love, take it or leave it.


  15. Sahaqiel added a comment on a blog entry More problems   

    I'll respond to your post later today LL, but I'd like to thank you for writing it. Many times, particularly lately, I feel like a hate-fueled monster, and I don't know how to make it stop.
     
    Phanta, you didn't even read the whole post, and you do not know the extent to which Nate suffers from his own faults and how much I've been there for it. I do care about him as a friend, and talking about how his problems has affected mine is completely within my rights as a human being and a friend. I don't look down on him for smoking weed and dealing it, in fact I don't think I look down on people at all. But even he knows how much he's messed up, and he's either too apathetic or too ignorant to pull himself out, and I'm not sure I'm the one to try and pull him out again.


  16. PrimaGaga added a comment on a blog entry Wow, that's Amazing!   

    Yeah, it's almost like a sense of pride when you see your favorite characters on the big screen.


  17. Iargely Iegendry added a comment on a blog entry Wow, that's Amazing!   

    I teared up at the unveiling of the Batman statue in TDKR. I don't know why, lol


  18. PrimaGaga added a blog entry in Phanta's Blog   

    Wow, that's Amazing!
    So i saw Amazing Spider-Man 2 tonight. This entry is going to be about me, not the movie, but I must caution you for spoilers up ahead. Don't care or have already seen the movie? Then lets jump in!

    So there is a scene fairly early into the movie when Electro (Jamie Foxx) first discovers his new powers. He stumbles into Time Square where he eventually confronts Spider-Man (Andrew Garfield). Now Electro is how you say.... bat shit insane. He's obsessed with Spider-Man and is a man of great paranoia and nearly crippling depression. A man occasionally I find myself like. So basically, Spider-Man and Electro are in Time Square with police and civilians at the sides. Spider-Man, being the hero that he is, tries to calm Electro down to talk about his problems, and help him with his new powers. The police have backed away and things are working out. But suddenly, a sniper (squat teamer?) shots at Electro and freaks him out. Spider-Man reacts accordingly. The civilian crowd, now watching from the side-lines, starts cheering. "Get that freak, Spidey!" stuff like that. That's it. Electro full on freaks out and as he does i am reminded of past panic attacks that I've had myself.

    Okay so the scene was probably really cheesy to anyone who cant relate, but to me? It was definitely the most accurate representation of a panic attack i've ever witnessed. At least how I experience them. Electro's heart starts racing, filling him with rage and angst. Voices start chiming in, saying stuff like "They betrayed me" "they think your'e worthless" "they need to pay" etc. all while playing to the beat of the music. It's like a song, actually, a song i knew all too well.

    When i freak out like this, as I have recently on new year's eve. My heart starts racing. I start thinking these awful thoughts and they come at intervals that match my heart beat. Its really like my body is singing evil intentions to me. Looking back on it, it's actually quite fascinating, but in the moment its absolutely terrifying. Where Electro and I are similar end here, obviously, because he can shoot electricity at people and i just ran into the employee restroom and broke down crying. But yeah, Im sure I was the only one in the theater crying at that scene. Not full on tears but you know, a little jerk in the heart, a drop of water in the eye.

    The moral of the story is, despite not being a perfect movie, the Amazing Spider-Man 2 was really fun! I recommend it.
    PS- I actually cry at almost every Marvel Flick i see in theaters. When the Avengers all lined up for the final battle. When Cap fought the Winter Soldier. puppy even when Tony summoned all of his Iron Man suits. It just gets me right here!
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  19. Iargely Iegendry added a comment on a blog entry More problems   


    "See, I was never really one for the safe route. I think safe routes have their place in the world, but I don't think safe routes are the ones that give you the most out of life. They give you security, yes, but they don't offer nearly as many opportunities, and not nearly as many unique experiences. The safe road is one traveled by everyone; a systematic, institutional way to keep people in check and happy, and even that's imperfect. I would rather struggle than regret not trying to claw my way out of the muck if only to shape my own life. I've only got so much life left, and it's already about a quarter over."
     
    This might sound offensive, but I am not trying to be mean. I think you may have justified this to yourself too much at this point. Again, not trying to be mean or critical, but you say that everyone goes the safe route, as if they're mindless zombies trying to only provide for their most basic needs as an animal. Your tone is really condescending, even though it's aimed at no one in particular (or "everyone", as you said). I didn't come here to pick about your own writing in your own space in your blog. It's just that this is so scornful and mocking of the educational system, as if you have everything figured out and that "everyone" is wrong. You aren't going to regret getting an Associate's Degree. You aren't abandoning your dreams and becoming a mindless drone by finishing off what you've already gotten close to completing. I think it's incredibly easy (and pretty annoying to read) to write off the need for education. Of course there are many types of education. But to say that you have more opportunities outside of school is supremely twisted.
     
    This is your blog and you can say whatever you want in it. I willingly came here and was exposed to what you wrote. But still, you imply that college is "safe" and for "everyone", mockingly. I am going to be in a huge amount of debt for my college choice. I've been at a community college for twice as long as you have and only recently did I scrape up grades and recognition that was worthy of scholarships at SCAD. And my scholarship is really shitty compared to Betty's. That's incredibly humbling. I've been through ups and downs at that school and I know where you're coming from for a lot of this. It's not like I've been busting my ass there since I graduated. I've been going at it with varying levels of intensity and devotion. I have grown so much there. Not even from the classes. That's actually a very small part of it. I've felt the same hopelessness and hatred for the school and the people there. But I learned to drive myself to get away from them and to go to my dream school. I am not going to use 90% of the stuff I learned in class at a university, and especially not as this art school. But I don't regret it. The most valuable thing that I learned there was that I should have done it sooner. Being at that school for so long is humbling. I am not trying to make this about myself, but all I can do is speak from my point of view and experience: 
     
    The safe thing to do is to stop going to school. For you to imply that my working at the school for years and my choice to risk literally the majority of my life, the upcoming part that is not yet lived, on loans for my dream school is "safe" is incredibly condescending. I am wagering my happiness and livelihood on my goals. For the first two weeks straight at SCAD, every single night, I was have terrible anxiety about the loans. The reality was sinking in, and this is just my first quarter. Think about all of the things that come with the burden of loans. If I fail and am not able to pay them back, the consequences are far-reaching. As an example, what kind of future wife would want that? That's really far down the road, but that's how influential the consequences of my risk are. I don't know what will happen, nor do I claim to. I know that I will adapt to the debt and to the pressure, hopefully in a positive way. So it is a little irksome that someone who has not yet been in this situation to call my choices "safe", as they risk very little. That's not a criticism about you. I hope you'll interpret it as more perspective. 
     
    The harsh reality of the working world is that future employers aren't going to read this entire blog, trying to understand your situation when you are trying to get a job. Instead they'll see that there's no education. In the same way that I know I will adapt to the pressure of debt, I think you will adapt, too. I sincerely believe that school has more opportunities, but I think you will find a way to do what works for you. 


  20. PrimaGaga added a comment on a blog entry More problems   

    I couldn't read past the part where you talked shit about your only friend. I mean we all talk shit about our loved ones, but damn that was a little too intense. "Omg he deals weed and had a crazy gf and got his GED what a loser" you know what? Good for him! He got his GED, and dealing pot is great money!! He doesn't sound happy but maybe because his self esteem is based on people talking shit about him on the internet. Some friend you are. I'll go back and read the rest in the morning when my stomach had settled. Good reddens.


  21. Necropolis added a comment on a blog entry More problems   

    I forgot these blogs existed. I understand your frustration with the school system, and I share it. I try to think just in general terms what i've gained going to Swic. I think the biggest thing is that I've been introduced to a whole new network of people and made a lot of new friends, that have all been influential in my further development. In terms of classes? Ehhh? I've definitely had some interesting ones, but I'm not sure how much of it I couldn't have gleaned from a book, on my own. Looking at my college career like that makes it seem like sort of a waste of time. So I guess its been 50/50.
     
    I feel similarly trapped as well, though my situation isn't as caustic as yours. Since I was a Junior in high school I've been shuffled around to live with different relatives because my dad's either been too poor to support both of us, or he's lived with a girlfriend I can't get along with. Once I lived with an Aunt and I went to visit relatives for a week. When I came back all of my stuff had been packed up, sent to said girlfriend's, and my dad got a text saying, "I'm sorry, I can't afford Aaron." Since then, I've had this existential fear that wherever I live next I'm gonna come home one day and find all my stuff boxed up, and I'll have to go somewhere else, if there is a somewhere else. I know this isn't likely, but every once in a while, I interpret, probably wrongly, some small comment or thing my current host says, and then I retreat to my room. I hate it. It all makes me feel like shit, like I'm not worth anything.
     
    I'm getting my associates soon, and afterwords I'm done with swic. I'd really like to take a semester at least off from college, kind of as a test. I like to write, that's what I want to do for a living, be it comics, short stories, TV. I'm really interested in Serial fiction of all kinds. I want to see if, after taking away school as something that takes up my time, what I can accomplish. And if, by the end of whatever arbitrary date I set, I've done nothing? I'll do something safe. Clearly if that's the case, my drive is just shit, and I'll do something safe. In the mean time, my dad supports my taking a semester or 2 off, but that doesn't help me a whole lot, since I'm not living with him. I know for a fact no one around me would go in for it. I'm the first generation in my family to go to college, so everyone puts this big emphasis on it, of course, none of them have been to any kind of school in the last 3 decades, so they are somewhat lacking perspective.
     
    I don't know. It just sucks. All of that isn't figuring into any of my personal faults, of which I have many, and I get into these pity parties where all I do is doubt my abilities, and my goals, and all this time I've wasted, and I don't do anything, I just languish in a miasma of my own creation. puppy.
     
    Anyways, I just wanted to tell you I understand a simulacrum of what your going through, and I have similar problems sometimes maybe. 


  22. Teto added a comment on a blog entry More problems   

    I dunno what to say. I can empathise with the anger a little - I get that way if I'm stuck in the house with no human contact for more than 2 days. Desperate and trapped. I'm just trapped by my own weakness to overcome difficulty though, and by the temptation to do nothing and be comfortable.
     
    There was a day once when I hadn't been out of the house for a whole weekend and I hadn't seen or talked to anybody. I was planning to go into town but missed the bus, so decided that despite my getting ready, I would have to wait 5 hours for the next one and went back to my computer. Before I even sat down, the frustration rose up and out of me, like gears grinding in my stomach and chest, resulting in a strangled scream. I went outside, and walked the 12 miles into the town, and felt a lot better for it.
    Another time under similar circumstances of isolation I was just walking the dogs in the rain, and when I got home, I just stared at the warm suffocating comfort of the lights inside, and turned away and walked them up the road through the rain and through the same forest again. I was still apprehensive going back inside, for fear of that comfortable isolation. I felt much better exposed to the outside.
     
    So it's not the same trap you're in. I've got very few obligations, but it's just my comfort and laziness that keeps me from making myself get what I need. I've got better at it this year, and it'll keep getting better probably, so long as I keep trying to get out more.
     
    But anyway that's my vent in reply to yours. I hope you get your Associate's Degree, as another tool for your belt. It's not long now. Hopefully venting like this here will help you make it to the end without getting yourself too out of hand. Oh well, I dunno. Keep doing what you think you should, but again don't let your desire for freedom distract you too much. I'm a bit tired and won't read the comments here.
     
    Anyway that's that. Keep being alive.


  23. Agent Zako added a comment on a blog entry More problems   

    I fully support your goals, but I just couldn't live with the exact same philosophy. I've spent too many long stretches of my life without real friends, and I'm obviously not so certain about my ability to keep the ones I have. Thankfully all of my friends at the moment support me, although what I want in life specifically is still kinda nebulous. But I don't doubt that you can find new friends easily enough if you're running low, and I guess that makes the culling easier when it has to happen
     
    I think I misunderstood just what kind of situations in particular you were referring to as negative influences on your life. Everybody you meet is going to disagree with you at some point, and I thought you might be saying that it's 100% support for everything Allen all the time or the highway, but it's starting to seem more reasonable. Well, of course if Betty told you "video games and music are lame. be a biologist or we're over" well in that case it's dump-city, and the same for any friend. But the odds of that happening are so low. I got this sense of urgency from what you were saying and must have been swept up in it and misconstrued things. I know a thing or two about considering worst-case scenarios with friends and family in my head, despite it never accomplishing anything in my case. v_v
     
    Now at this point I think it's abundantly clear I don't have any worthwhile advice or insight to give, but if you want to continue to clear things up I'm listening.


  24. Sahaqiel added a comment on a blog entry More problems   

    I used to be very aggressive about maintaining friendships, but it's not as cold as it sounds. If someone is trying to interfere with you living a good life, then they're not really doing you any favors, and you need to distance yourself from that person, or you need to learn to ignore them. I'm saying that if it comes to letting people go that are holding me back, then I have to do it, and by that point, I don't think we could be considered friends, because there's a clear lack of consideration for each others' wishes.
     
    And say I catered to Betty's wishes, or really any significant other, and say those wishes meant that I had to go through the safe road, do all the safe things, and never experience what I wanted to. Then I would be catering to their ideal life, and they wouldn't be considering my ideal life. I'd wake up unhappy one day with tons of regrets and they'd be just fine. That kind of selflessness isn't romantic, it's sad. So yeah, if Betty tried to push me into that life, I wouldn't have it. I want to wake up with the least amount of regrets possible, and I can't accomplish that by honoring obligations that don't advance my own goals.
     
    I could someday get over breaking up with her, and we could both move on, but honoring a request to give up my dreams isn't something I could ever fix with enough time. It would ruin my whole life.
     
    Friends do come and go, and I learned to accept that. It doesn't mean that friendship wasn't important, it just means that it came and it went, and I need to find new ones. There's nothing manufactured or disposable about genuine friendships. Just like people.


  25. Agent Zako added a comment on a blog entry More problems   

    I see. I can't really relate since I'm not a very ambitious person, but I think I get it. You get to decide what you enjoy the most, so I can't argue there. It does make me kind of sad you view friends as semi-replaceable. At least it sounds to me like you mean particular friends will come and go, but that doesn't matter as much as just having people around you can label under "friend." I can't really relate to that either, since I don't make friends as easily as you do. I might put too much value in them individually because of that. So there's really nothing more I can say. I wish I could have been more helpful and alleviated some of the anger, but I've never been good at that.